Weight

Weight.

Yesterday after I have finished writing, I couldn’t sleep. It was stuck on my mind what I had wrote about weight and me believing that most of my problems comes from my weight issues.

We live in a society where the wrap is everything. I won’t be a hypocrite and say that I have a solid opinion about weight like… be proud of your curves. The only thing solid here is my body. So, most of my days are haunted by my weight frustrations. Who isn’t these days? I like to eat, I’m a sugar addict, and I’m the slave of food! Actually, it goes like this. I wish to be thin. It is the obsession of my life. To be thin. To be able to wear everything. Any color, any type of clothes. But that’s hard to achieve when you are me. I tend to associate any event, big or small, with food. For me food and sugar and even a bit of alcohol are life’s little pleasures. I cannot imagine a night out with my husband without eating, or a day in bed without sugary, a road trip without a picnic, a walk in a park without a snack, everything I associate with food and drink. Even the smallest occasion I want to celebrate it with food. It’s a culture. It’s a disease.So, losing weight turns out to be the hardest thing in the whole world.

I’m sorry. I’m trying and I’m trying to stay focused, but I’m really tired, so, writing about food and my weight problems would not be the most inspiring thing. Why should I force myself? A little angel on one shoulder tells me that this is how champions are born. By pushing their limits, by going over the edge, (sliding in the same time images with Rocky Balboa climbing the famous stairs) not by quitting at the very first sign of fatigue. And of course there is also the little devil’s voice who is singing me a lullaby. Not even trying to convince me of anything… just a sweet lullaby 🙂

So, my weight? I’m not happy with my body… But, there are times when my clothes are so tight and black that they make me feel thinner. So, I’m confident and all the garbage men are whistling behind me. And I become more confident. I feel sexy! I look on one or two plus size model, read an article, and voilà, a perfect day :). Too bad, that’s so rare I cannot even remember. So, I’m struggling to find the solutions.  To lose weight or to feel good in my own shape?

I think that this subject needs a lot of time and silence, two vital elements which are not my high point right now so I think I’ll just postponed this issue.

Sorry, we’re not super writers every day! /

 

 

My game, my rules!

So, I had planned for today the next post I’ve written in chronological order but you know, sometimes things don’t go as you plan. There are events, unexpected events that can turn your world upside down.

When you think you have everything under control that’s when faith strikes you with the unexpected! But that’s nothing to be afraid of! in our genes as human beings is written this feature that makes us feel fear of the unknown. We have this weird desire to know everything in advance and the tendency to plan each second of our lives (at least most us, I really hope there are a few species left who are trying to make a difference in the human kind, or else we are doomed 🙂 ). So, when something intervenes we sometime panic. We panic when we pass a quick quiz at school, we panic when mom or dad comes home in the middle of the day and they find us at home, skipping school and smoking on the balcony with a bunch of other kids, we panic when we find out that our parents get a divorce, we panic when we see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test- which was not in the plan ( it’s valid for both girls and boys) and we panic when we get to be all alone for the first time with that little human being… the kid!

What can be more natural and ordinary and in the same time the most frightful and the scariest thing in the world than having a baby? Maybe there are those super parents who know everything and nothing can scare them and they are the perfect ones with the perfect child.

Even if you’re a man or a woman, there are almost the same things involved (except one little detail such as giving birth). Basically, becoming a parent changes your entire life. Whether you like or not, you become responsible. It is said that every great power come with a greater responsibility. I believe conceiving a child is the world’s greatest technology.

Creating a new life is the only thing that takes us closer to a god (and god is written with a lower case because I’m referring  to a common noun that represents a power or a energy that rules this entire Universe). Creating a life from basically a few milligrams of sperm projected inside of a woman’s womb is more than my mind can process:) And all the living mammal creatures own this great power. But this power comes with great responsibility. Unfortunately, some skip this chapter.

I know… you had other plans. You haven’t finished college, you still live in a rental, you don’t have enough money, you don’t have a car, you have no family close to you to help you… you just got married or you are in a relationship that still has points to work out and a baby is just not in your plans! What can you possibly offer to a child? You don’t know anything about children and your friends’ children are not your thing. You know nothing about children and you don’t see yourself as a parent in the next 4-5 years which are so far away and you think by the time you’ll have 10 apartments, 5 cars, 2 yachts and loads of money and then you’ll be able to raise a child. And this is the tendency that  most of us have.

No one knows before what will come after:)

But you know what? Everything happens with a purpose, and the reasons are always positive!

Happy Birthday my little one:)

Today was my daughter’s anniversary so she will be always the only reason for which I change the route!

2014

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Happy New Year! January 1st! Still! It’s almost 11 p.m. so I’m trying to keep my promise to myself and start this project! I was sleepy and tired and there a lot of good movies running on TV, so basically, not in the mood to do this… but then, I stopped for a second and I thought (yeah, I know, that’s not too often) : I’m going to take advantage of this new full of shit beginning that’s turned crazy most of my Facebook friends. I can’t even reproduce the lame statuses I’ve read today. But in their stupidity they are actually right.

It’s like going to church and confess or telling your mom about a bad grade or other imaginary problems you think you have. After that, you feel eased. You can start over with your consciousness cleared. So I believe New Year gives the same feeling. At the beginning of each new year we write down our resolutions. I believe most of the time we think about ourselves as superheroes and the resolutions might be slight unrealistic. A thought has just crossed my mind. Why the fuck do I start to think at me as we??? This is the influence of all the shitty inspirational sites I’ve looked up lately. But, thank God, there was this good part that inspired me to write my own shitty inspirational stuff.

Yeah, about New Year’s resolutions… I have made a kilometric long list last year. 17 big points that some people don’t achieve in ten years maybe. And, of course, last week when I checked it out… I was disappointed. I managed to achieve only… 5. So, I get frustrated each and every time a year ends, plus that another one is adding to my age… I realize that time is the only stable thing in the world. He will do his job no matter what happens. He will pass.

But in the same time, every New Year washes up all that has happened last year. I feel relieved. I feel like a new born. I feel it as a new chance. The possibility to start over again. It’s a cycle. New Year it’s like Mondays. It’s always Monday that I want to begin something: reading a new book, cleaning my face off makeup before bed, and definitely it is Monday when I want to start a new diet. So New Year it’s like the king of all Mondays. It’s THE Monday. It’s funny. If you split Monday you’ll come up with Mon-day, like a frenglish word saying my day or mon jour.

I visualize all my frustrations buried with last year. What’s the use of crying over the spilled milk? On contrary, I should be glad that I could drink some of the milk in the bottle before it was spilled down. This is the thinking I would like to develop. It was not all a waste. I haven’t spilled all the milk. I drank some… I finished school, I got a job… not the great resolutions I had in mind, but everything is better than nothing. It’s weird. Yesterday I was so sad thinking about the New Year’s Eve and all the thing I haven’t done…but today I feel more optimistic. Yesterday was about ending and I don’t like endings. For example I love watching series, but I hate the endings, I get attached.

But today is about beginning. I’m sure there is an energy going on for New Year. I have less than 20 minutes till 1st of January ends so let’s see what can I write down as resolutions for 2014?

Even if it is THE most cliché thing in the world… losing weight would be my top head resolution as I still believe that losing weight could solve a lot of my problems. I know, I’m superficial. Who isn’t in this century?? The second one may be this auto-therapy-with-myself-which-could-turn-up-into-a-successful-writing-shit. I told you today I feel optimistic (at least until the point where I have to think what I’m wearing tomorrow at work to feel thin and beautiful in spite of the high number of kg my balance is showing, and my happy world will crash in a zip).  I need a third one because 3 is a much prettier number than 2, so 3rd stuff: get another job, maybe? Yeah, that’s big… it fits among resolutions!

Having all said, my sense of reality is telling me that I should get my 4 hour sleep before the 11 hour day work that is tomorrow.

So, goodbye 2013! Welcome 2014! /

Christmas time

It’s Christmas. Or at least the last 13 minutes of it, in French time schedule. So who the fuck stays on at midnight writing bullshit? But that was not the point I wanted to mark at this very moment. I want to use the magic of these last, now 10 minutes of Christmas to immortalize this year most spiritual experience…concerning Christmas of course.

Yes, I will not be a hypocrite and tell you that I won the bet by writing every day since 11/12/13 but I believe that is the true and real purpose on this experiment. That we are not perfect, that we don’t always keep our promises…even if it is with ourselves. So what, that means that we don’t have the right to a second chance? Or third? Or a tenth, or even the one thousandth (I don’t even know if a spelled that correctly). What if we fail? We don’t have the right to live anymore? We don’t deserve to go back and try as many times as we need until we make it? So, the next day after I wrote my first page I was really tired, being up at six, preparing an almost 4 year old for school, going to work, cook dinner, prepare the child for bed, planning the next day…that takes time and I am sure that most of you moms out there know what I am talking about. And I only have one child…I could not imagine having more. So, you moms who have more than one…chapeau! As the French say…a sort of like… I lean before you. So, days passed, Christmas fever started to show up, extra hours at work, so here I am, on Christmas day, with my husband snoring beside me, trying to keep up the good work. It doesn’t matter that days have passed without doing what I was supposed to do, it does not matter the bet nor the leap I took…it matters that I write know, it matters that I have not quit, it matters these little baby steps I am trying to do, it matters even the smallest gesture that one cannot even notice it. The point is to open your eyes and look. There are a lot going on around us. You can find real joy just by watching the little thing that happens before you, or at your right, in my case.

Enough with the bla bla bla, so just allow me a few minutes to tell you my Christmas Eve thing. So, there was I, driving home for work.( better said, crawling with the speed of an …that animal who wears his house in the back, yeah I forget the name, ohh…snail, the snail carries his home on his back, because at 5:30 pm, you cannot use the word driving when it comes to Paris on Christmas Eve).  And I was a bit sad. Better said, disappointed. Why?

Because the night before I went over my ass struggling to make homemade gift baskets for my boss and my co-workers, in the spirit of giving. I like to give on Christmas. Plus, the promise from my boss was to have a Christmas bonus. So, you know the feeling… You are excited, you are curious, you are just like a child waiting for the promise candy if you’re good. So, you always try to make a good impression, you always stay after hours, you always come before your normal schedule, you always run services, you always say yes at everything they ask you and you are always the good guy! The question: is it worth it? Did I get my bonus? No, I haven’t got my bonus. He fucked me up! On Christmas Eve! I was all shiny and goldish with a little Santa hat, white fur and everything, singing Christmas carols all day long, being the nicest person with my clients, in the await of my bonus. I feel bad for myself describing me like a puppy lingering for a bone. But no, no bonus. Instead I got chocolates from my colleague. At least my body had its thing.

I wasn’t mad, my boss is a good one, most of the time… so that’s why I used the word disappointed. I was let down by a someone who I trusted… did I mentioned this is my first job? Yeah, the thing with bosses, is that you don’t know if or when you should trust them. The point is that my trust in people, in general was pretty much shaken up. Everyone is selfish, everybody thinks only for themselves? What’s the point of being nice? Why should you be a good person?? There no rewards for nice people, apparently! So I put the question once again… is it worth being a good person? The logical answer would be NO, but hell, logic is no trend anymore.

Going back on my way home in my car, I lived my own hollywoodian Christmas sequence. In front of me a family car with three girls on the back seat watching me, talking and giggling… as if I was a monkey. I know I’m cute…but…not that cute. They turn, and 2 minutes after, they turn around showing me a piece of paper with a hand written Joyeux Noël (Merry Christmas).

Oh, the joy, the thrill, the tears… I had my own movie like moment. I was the main character, disappointed by life, by people, on Christmas Eve, having no hope in humanity (yes, not having your Christmas bonus can cause the loss of faith in humanity, dare to say it’s not true), and they there were, these three little blond hair girls waving at me and wishing me a Merry Christmas. In a world full of stress, anger, fatigue, envy, we, adults(or, better, the adults, because I’m not sure I fit in the category), forget to look around us and cherish the little things. We want everything big, we want to go straight up, as high as possible without turning left or right. We ignore these little gifts that life has to offer us every day. I thought that a big bonus could make my day. I thought nothing could cheer me up after that. But those three little girls remembered me the magic of Christmas, remembered me that material stuff could never replace the human warmth. We are warm blooded beings. We need the warmth, not the money. Money are made from steel. Steel is cold. We need little things that makes us happy, like a chocolate, or an honest piece of paper with Merry Christmas. With the risk of using too many times the word Christmas, I can say that this little moment restored my belief in Christmas magic. You don’t see these sort of thing every day. You see it in films but, brother, life beats film. And when it happens in real life that makes you feel special… yeas, this time I was the chosen one. It happened to me! And you know why? Because I turned to look!

Once my Christmas magic restored all of my Christmas wishes have come true: a curling styler (the very last generation), champagne (the real thing) and a day in bed watching B class Christmas movies with tones of chocolates. Weird, ah? J Weird or not, it’s ok, I must like myself…I am the one with whom I spent most of my time…so I should really love myself.

Conclusion: Christmas is cool! /

11.12.13

I believe everyone has their own story to tell, and for the first time, I’ll be writing my own role and I’ll be playing on the big stage.

And as every story, mine, also begins with… Once upon a time…

My demons are haunting me. I can’t sleep, I can’t rest, I can’t work, and I don’t have even the fucking energy to take a bath. I’m starting to stink. In every possible way. What the fuck is wrong with my life?? I guess we never appreciate what we have until we lose it. The story of my life!

So, what do you do when you don’t know what to do? You start writing in the middle of the night having no fucking idea about what you write. But you keep going, and going and going… till something comes up. Maybe nothing comes out. Tonight. Nor Tomorrow, nor the day after tomorrow, nor the whole fucking year! But you keep going, not knowing that these failed attempts create in the end a true masterpiece. This masterpiece I call it Life. True life. With real characters and real locations. With real feelings and so fucking hard experiences. I try to deal every day with my life. I beg, I borrow, and I steal. In this new game called surviving there is one rule and one rule only: there are no rules! Surviving equals growing up. Growing up stands for welcome to a world where people bite harder than dogs, dreams start to crash and smiles are sold only during sales.

Welcome to my world. Maybe yours is better and you have no worries at all so reading/following this God knows what will just blow up your precious pinky time, but I seriously doubt it. I see most of my so called friends with there so called perfect little lives  reading this and I can’t help myself bursting into a hysterical laughter imagining there acid faces as they think they hit the jackpot marrying a second hand prince charming and living in their little golden cages. I’m sure they have all an orgasmic life. Don’t let me be in your way. Don’t forget to lock the cage! Just go live your happy lives! This is not for happy people.

So, yeah, where was I? I was just wondering where I’m going with all this. Maybe so did you. You know, I watched a lot of Murder, she wrote/NYPD/CSI style series… groupie type of, so I know that any action or better said, reaction, needs a motive. I, too, have a mobile for my weird 1 a.m. activities. As I stated in the first sentence, I’m haunted. I believe every human being is haunted by its demons. Mine are starting quite of a family free. If life gives you lemons, you should do lemonade. I have questions! I want answers! Being a fan of mixing practice and theory, I have made a bet with myself. Writing every day (starting today, 11/12/13 with no deadline) in order to complete a practical theory of how to exorcise your demons and find the answers.

I know it is very hard to believe, but have you noticed the fucking date I’ve chosen to begin?? I’ve only realized it when I typed it. So, yeah, thank you, Providence! If, that’s not a sign, then what is??

It sounds complicated and out of line with no logical explanation… but it resembles with something that we deal every day… life! So, we should all have the required qualification to face this experiment. It’s simple. I believe one ordinary live can’t become an extraordinary one just by high lightening it. So, I will just try to turn on the lights of mine. /