Monthly Archives: July 2014

Adult vs. Teenager

As I have always said I’ll always try to inspire myself from things that happen around me. Writing about how you see things can’t be any better. Trying to invent stuff it’s not always as good as Andersen fairy tales…

Today I chose to write about growing up and how we change our perceptions. Why?

Because I have never thought that I could really grow up and change my mentalities. When I was a teenager, I did it all… beginning with the age of 13… I bloomed early… too early… let’s say my family had to stay awake many nights… especially my grandma’ 🙂

Well, maybe grandma’ is not the best example as she still stays up until I get home (when I’m Home) even though I’m 27, married with children and I live half the continent away.

But I remember my mother… I couldn’t get it why did one hour (or two or three, or the whole night long) counted so much. What was the big deal if I were home at 1 a.m. or at 7 a.m.  And there were those long talks afterwards… and the threats, and then the screaming… and everything was on repeating twice a week at least 🙂

And I just couldn’t get it… why such a big deal?

And then… the great search…hidden under the cleaning pretext,   my backpack, my pocket… my desk… everything was under the search warrant of my grandma’s. CSI couldn’t do better than my grandma. So you see, all these stuff made me do it more on more…hide more and more, being more and more rebel, just to show everybody that I was the most stubborn, and I was the boss of myself and that it’s me who decides and not them! Short… I was teenager… first generation of teenagers with internet access and first generations with mobile phones (in Romania), and no talking about not selling smoke and booze to minors… it was Romania after the Revolution… we were the free generations… and God, how we took advantage of that…

Yeah… so, things weren’t easy… for my family, but they they sure were great for me 🙂

I have always been the kind of person that lives for the moment… I’m afraid of dying and not did it all… I try to do all my guilty pleasures, I try to taste a bit of everything… I need it! I need it for my soul, I need it for my inspiration, I need it like the air I breathe… so I have always said that if something is to happen, it will happen anyway, no matter how much we try to avoid it, so… being careful was not on of my strongest points. Plus, I have always considered that I’ve remained at 17… I don’t see myself as a 27 year old. I still do teenage stuff and I’m still a teenage dreamer… fuck, I still watch cartoons…that is even lower…

In French psychology they even invented a name for it… from adult and adolescent … they came up with adulescent. Yeah… so, normally, I have always seen myself as someone who would get along with teenagers… hey girl, kinda 🙂  And not only getting along, but also, understand them, agree with them… defend them… because I see too much parents complaining about the teenage of their children like the WWIII.

As I became a mother, things wanted to change a bit, but I kept on going with my idea of freedom… hell, I even let my 4 old daughter go on a one day trip with her school all by herself… (I went on all my one day school trips accompanied by grandma’ and occasionally by my mom also, until I was 11…) So, I’m very open minded… Fuck, I listen to Lana del Rey and I adore This is what makes us girls.

But… as I have said before, things aren’t always as they seem… We can all do the talking, but when life puts you face to face to a situation, never take for granted how you might react.

Fate made it happen that I watch a 14 year old teenage this week… one of my best friend’s daughter. Yeah, sure…no problem… I love the girl, she’s bright, she’s talented, and she adores me… and I’m sure her parents over react when they say she’s difficult… so why not, how hard can it be?… As long as she takes the shower by herself, eats alone and she gets dressed alone, I have no problem…

Two days went smooth… I tried to do all her pleasures, I took her with me at work, we had breakfast on a pretty isle on the Seine with sun bathing our faces… I cooked her what she wanted… I let her use her phone as long as she wanted, and not confiscate it at 10 p.m. as her mother instructed… you see, I tried to be cool…. The cool big sister or the favorite auntie style… I have never had that so I know it’s a joy to have someone like this… it’s like I was 14 again with stories about boyfriends who call to often or they don’t call at all, with a special ring that worth nothing but has a huge sentimental value because her best friends wears the same one 🙂

And then, one evening… I noticed something fishy (fishy in my fucked up mind)… I won’t say anything about the subject matter, because her parents might read this so, I don’t her to get in trouble for nothing… Mom and Dad, chill, everything’s OK, nothing to worry about! It’s about me, not about her:)

Short: I was too curious about something in her phone and I was shocked to see she won’t give me the code to unlock it!

Yes, in that moment I realized how worried I was. You’ll say… it’s not your child… no, it’s worse… her parents trusted me 100% to let her with me, so I was responsible for her… 100%. Then I knew the feeling of my grandma’ when she searched everywhere.. I wanted to know what she is hiding… obviously if she’s hiding something, it’s something bad!!! It can’t be any good if she’s hiding… why doesn’t she trust me to tell me what is it about?? And when she gave me the … It’s my business, not yours, I was on fire!!!

And, yes, I have started reacting as an old adult, forgetting in that instant all my teenage years!! I did the talk, I did the threats… blackmail, everything… just to know what is happening!!! I started giving her lectures, when in fact I was the one that needed the lecture! What the fuck was wrong with me??? In an instant I forgot all about hey girl and Lana del Rey and everything… I was an adult giving the talk to a teenager!

Then, I saw her… she was so sad that broke my heart in two… I then realize.. What have I done… yes it’s true, I was afraid… what if she had in mind to run away or something?? Can you imagine that happen? See, I start think immediately at worst possible. Why? Why do we start thinking at the worst when we grow older?

When have I lost that feeling that everything’s gonna be ok? When did I grow up that fast?

And to make things worst possible… the thing she was hiding me was so unimportant and meaningless that made feel even lower than I was already feeling.

I realized that teenagers act just like a normal human being. They feel the need to have things for their own. They have business that they want to keep out the reach of someone… They even hide things from their best friends.. It’s not like they have something with adults… it’s just like you and me! I eat that cake without anyone seeing me! It’s my secret! (Not anymore, obviously). My grandma’ keeps an economy account without the knowledge of my grandpa’ … and I’m sure he’s doing the same thing! I have a special place when I go from time to time to read and meditate, and I have never took my husband with me! It’s my place, my secret place and I want to keep it that way! Am I doing something wrong? Am I bad wife??And you can go on with your own examples!! I’m sure you have plenty. Yes, we feel the need to have something of our own. It’s in our nature!! So why can’t teenagers have their own business??

It took me a while till I finally got it… she has the right to keep her things for herself. And yes it should be enough when they say you can trust them ‘cause it’s nothing important! How can you demand their trust if you don’t give yours?? It’s simple, actually… forbidding something it’s like inflame them more to do it! Having the attitude of the grown up who knows all it’s even worse! Yeah, you knew it… but it seems now you are forgetting… And please, I don’t wanna hear about that stupid theory that kids should learn from parents’ mistakes… not a chance… if you think you’ll go on telling stories about how you did this and the bad consequences that fallowed, hoping your child will be too afraid of doing it… you’re really wrooooong 🙂 It’s logical… your child sees you live and well so he’ll think that if you made it out alive… so will he:)

So, why is this happening? Why do we forget our wild teenage years and we always have this conflict between generations? Why are we so fearful and so trustless? What happens that makes us be this way… is this growing up?? Live a hell when your daughter goes on a date for the first time? Remember your first date?? ……. I thought so… you hold hands 🙂 )

So, whose fault is it? Society? When it rains with predictions from everybody as they were fucking Nostradamus?? Media? That empoisons us with rapes and thefts and kidnaps’ and car accidents? Family? With everybody starts giving you lectures on how to raise YOUR child…

Stop being afraid! Life is too short! If it is to happen something bad it will happen no matter how much you will cocoon your child! I am a mother and it took me a while to decide letting my daughter alone on that one day trip! So, I know the feeling. But I’m trying to remember more of my years as child and as teenager and think less about my mental and social inheritance.

And yeah…. Thank you girl for teaching me an important lessons this week!

Remember: you were a teenager once 🙂

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27

All my life I have waited to turn 27… I don’t know why I’ve always had this idea that 27 will bring a big change in my life…

At first, my fucked up mind thought it has something to do to with that creepy pattern of Jim Morisson, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse… but as 27 was approaching so fast, I’ve realized that I needed the fame and fortune to die in glory… And, clearly, that was not my case (please don’t laugh 🙂 )
So, I began thinking that something else is waiting for me at 27… but guess what what, 27 found me on a 14 hour long working day with the sole desire to sleep.

Short: I have been waiting something to fall out of the sky. And the only things that fell was a big slack over my head waking me up at reality!
What have I done to receive that big change? What big sacrifices have I made to deserve such a reward? How much sweat my self-discipline has poured?

I won’t be a liar and say 0 efforts, but trust me, the result is not that far away…at all!
Yes… 27 gave me the biggest lesson! You see, all my life I have taken everything for granted… talent, beauty, luck, chances, family… but you see… life gives you the lemons…but the lemonade can’t be done by itself. You have to take the lemons and squeeze them until the very last drop to make the best lemonade… by yourself! Always finding someone to do it for you… it’s not an option!

You must earn that lemonade with the price of your sweat, with the pain of your hands because of too much squeezing… I took too much for granted and now I’m realizing how difficult is to make lemonade by yourself! And if you don’t take advantage of lemons as long they are fresh and juicy… they will mold! And then the only option is to throw them away! Who likes molded lemons???
Think of the lemons as you think at your years of youth, of strength and don’t let your beauty get mold! And I’m talking about beauty in the largest way possible, from inside to outside! Take advantage of your most beautiful years and go conquer the world!

One day we will be too old, and there is nothing you can do to turn back time. Those years of youth when you can be the king of the world, will never be back! And, no, I’m not giving lectures to others…I give a lecture to me, in order to motivate myself to pursue all my dreams! (and so do you) And yes, even if it sounds silly… I do believe you should not stop following your dreams! And I will repeat myself until I, also, will get it!

Yes, life will put heavy obstacles… and yes, time will seem your biggest enemy and yes, you will feel like everything is put up against you… but… no, those are not signs to give up… those are challenges you have to pass through in order to achieve your goal! It’s like a job… you work, you have the money! You don’t work… you’ll be a homeless!
Simple as that! You want to lose weight… well, you have a fucking fight going on… Like the first day you go on detox, and your colleague return from holiday with a special cake, especially for you. A cake she has carried on her arms thousands of miles on her knees, in an airplane… in the car… on her way to work… just for you and she can’t wait to see how you will have that gastronomic orgasm while eating! What the fuck do you do??? Yes… life can play you well! And yes, I’m sure 99% would eat the cake, but… I want to be that 1% who stand still and not eat the cake!

So, here I am am… 27! And the biggest change I could have is to realize that without hard working nothing can be achieved and this is the most valuable lesson! You must feel the pain before enjoying the pleasure… Nothing is for free and nothing will lay at your feet just because you have an ounce of potential. That ounce of potential will grow only with tones of practice and hard working.

Yes, you’re tired everyday with the job, with the the daily chores, with kids and family, but somehow, time must be made to pursue your goals! If ain’t you who does that… no one will do it for you! When I realized it’s been more than a week and I haven’t write a single word, I felt something was missing in me… and I started complaining and blaming all the circumstances and everything except me. But, the truth is there is no one to blame but yourself. You will always have the time to do what you love… even if sometimes it requires to sacrifice something else… instead of spending one hour in Facebook or go for a 3h long marathon of Grey’s Anatomy, go out and do that jog, take those photographs at sunset, write those ideas you had in mind all day, go cook that delicious meal you saw in the magazine, read the book full of dust on your night shelf, write that CV you want to send, learn that new language you’ve been wanting for so long, draw that image that’s been haunting for you for so long, practice that new song… One hour per day just for your passion, multiply it by seven… and imagine what can be achieved in 7h per week, 30h a month… it’s huge…

And never think at failure… you will fail often and you fail maybe everyday, but the real courage is to not stop trying. Always think at tomorrow as another chance! And someday you will conquer! Enough of expecting everything from somewhere else but from you. Enough with the self pity and no remorse for the past… what is done, it’s done… what it matters is the future, and that’s your path to build! Waiting for things to happen is just a waste of time. Destiny is written by those who take their time to write it!

Step in that rhythm and dance as long as possible because, someday arthritis will leave your body numb and Alzheimer…dumb!