Monthly Archives: May 2014

Feed your hungry soul!

Doing what you like and doing it right makes you happy. You feel fulfilled, you feel important, and you feel a joy that invades your whole body and spirit. Let me put it other way: it’s way more juicy than an orgasm!

For a long time I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, there were too many things I wanted to do, to experiment, but there is always something you love the most. It’s that one thing you could do at any hour, any moment of the day, anytime, anywhere, without feeling any shame, any constraints, anything. If you find that one thing that makes your heart bumps, than you find happiness. If you are happy with you when you do your thing, it means you’re happy! Appreciate if you have already found it! Oh, and the most important is to not caring if you make money out of it. If having benefits from it primes in your priorities, than it’s already a lost cause.

Money don’t bring happiness. So if you’ll do it for your soul’s pleasure, you will find happiness. In brief moments, maybe, not a state of mind. I do believe it’s impossible to be happy for ever and ever… maybe if you’re really nuts and hospitalized in a home and kept on drugs all day long. That’s also an option.. hmm, why didn’t I think of this earlier? that’s an option, also. So, getting back to the subject… love… well, think about when you spend time with family… and I mean your family, not in-laws or something. When you’re a child and you go on a park with your mother or learning to drive a car with your father. You feel joy. Just joy. I look at my daughter when we spent time toghether. She’s happy. I’am happy ’cause she’s happy. It’s a circle of love:) And there is no one paying you. You don’t earn money, but you are happy! There are precious moments in life that money can’t buy! I won’t speak about love between a man and a woman (or two men or two women, doesn’t matter), because there are moments when some do make money of that :)))

I talk about love. Real love. No interest love. “Moneyless” love. Doesn’t matter if it’s for a person, a passion, a dream, a state of mind, a place, a souvenir, a tv show (yes, there are tv shows that makes me happy… you don’t wanna know which one…. Ok, if u insist: I love The Young and The Restless, ok I said it! I fucking love Young and Restless. You wanna know why? Because it’s the only thing that still makes me travel to my childhood. Doesn’t matter where I am, if I watch Y&R, I feel as if I were home, in my room, back at my grandparents. Yes, I know, it’s stupid and boring, I care less for the story… it’s the principle. It’s still on air, I watch it since I was 9… it’s been almost 18 years since. I have just realize it’s been almost a year since I have watched an episode… I really miss that 🙂 So, doing what you love, means you’ll do it no matter what. Because you need it. You can’t live without, you can’t breathe without!

The bad thing is that we’re adaptable beings, and sometimes we are obliged to adjust to the new life’s condition and we learn to breathe artificially. This is not a good thing. It’s not natural. And like almost all artificial things, it begins at some point, to fail! This fall I call depression! Depending on the case, it can be a light one, a hidden one, a “on the edge kind of” one and the worst is that we crack. Even if we’re not conscientious of our fall, it does happen sometimes. The crack may have many faces from losing confidence, lack of communication, stressful moments, sadness (without any obvious cause), to even more bad stuff like addictions of any kind: pills, drugs, alcohol, men, women… and in the end we all die. Yes, just like that. You never know when it hits you! Sooner or later, it all ends… life ends without knowing why we lived. I’m not talking about meaning of life, even though I do believe each and every one of us is born with a specific role that will change the destiny of the entire humanity (or that was just me 🙂 ) just like the atoms who bump themselves creating a chain reaction).  

But what the fuck… why should we not take advantage of this beautiful gift called life?? Every day, every morning we wake up it’s another chance. Every time the sun rises it’s like chalkboard we have just cleaned and we start over! Just have the courage to admit what you love! I think the hardest thing to do is to admit your dream, your love, you…! Sometimes I am ashamed, I think I should let dreams be a night activity, but it’s wrong! Dreams are the first steps. I read somewhere that if u can see it (visualize it) we can do it! I try to tell myself: don’t be afraid to dream, dreams are free! Don’t believe that bullshit that waking up is the price we pay! Waking up is the chance I have to start doing it! There are people who don’t even have the chance to wake up the next morning! (Look at Schumy, alive in a senseless body). I am sure there are always ways and baby steps I can begin with!

For example, I like singing, singing makes me feel good, satisfied! I just need to open my mouth and sing, accompanied or a capella, doesn’t matter. Someone loves to draw, you just pick pen and paper and you draw. You like to act? You grab a play and you start acting, you find 2-3 dreamers like yourself and you start acting… at home, on the street, in a parking lot… anywhere the police won’t throw you away! Or better, you write your own one (wo)man show. The examples can go further and further… baby steps are always there…

I always questioned this expression with baby steps. Why do we call it baby steps? You know why? Because babies grow, they become strong and independent, eventually… and their steps will be big and powerful! I have realized that many times I dreamed about the fame and fortune! But life has its own ways to show you the path… Dream the passion and the satisfaction and maybe someday fame and fortune will arrive (or not).

The most important thing is to feed your soul. Your soul will become numb, paralyzed and will die eventually as anything else that needs to be nourished and it’s not! Feed your soul and you’ll be happy! If you are happy everyone around you will be happier! Even sex will be better after 15 or 20 years of relationship (when, almost all the time is practically… nonexistent). 

This is what they call this century…the stress…I call it hungry soul!                        

The simple things…

Sometimes I feel my life passing near me and I think I’m not doing something special to fulfill it. And today, when I woke up, I felt like one of those days when you want to do everything and in the end you do nothing. So I threw away my TO DO LIST for today. I didn’t save Africa from starving and I haven’t stop the floods in the Balkans like a freakin’ superhero but…Well, today turned out not so bad.. I took advantage of this day off and I felt goooood… I wrote, I created my page, I cooked a nice dinner for my family and we shared a moment together. 
Sometimes it’s all about the simple things:)


To be or not to be…? :)

When do you know how to act like a lady or …not? Diplomacy or street style? Should you turn your head for the second slap or should you raise the blade?

In my country it is said: The bent head, the sword won’t cut. It’s an universally convention that we should not lower ourselves and enter in polemics with persons inferior to us. It is said that silence is also an answer? But… is it, really??

I think there are times when your nerves are so stretched out that not even a whole bottle a Xanax could not calm you down. What do you do? You pull out your claws or do still go with civilized way? Remember, the battles are won by people who rest Zen, read some Sun Tzu 🙂

I believe there are two kinds of people. First, the really stupid ones, that no matter what you do or say, they will never understand it. They just don’t have the capabilities to process any information. They are so locked up in their stupid heads, that no one can release not even one neuron to function.

Second category: smart, intelligent people, with whom you really enjoy having a contradiction, a battle in arguments. For me, it’s always a pleasure, one of my guilty pleasures 🙂

But, there is also a third species, the most dangerous one. Capable enough to make the effort to respond, but widely stupid to have a good argument but insisting and taking action as their damaged brain commands. What do you do? Will you sit as an asshole without doing anything?

Sometimes is really good to let it all out!

And yes, sometimes you need to shut the fuck up! (when the situation requires it) I, for one, have a big mouth. And I might over talk sometimes. Then I regret for not keeping my mouth shut.(because sometimes I really do talk a lot, and I mean A LOT).

But most of the time you have to say what you think. It’s better to have it said that not saying it at all. It’s like the character of Valmont from Les Liasons Dangereuses by Choderlos de Laclos, or was it Iago from Othello, … doesn’t matter, it’s not mine the reflection, I’m just rewriting a famous quote that says something like “better hanged for tasting than drowned in desire” I have it written somewhere, I’ll look for it.

So, yes, I prefer to let it all out than continuing to hide. Time has come to step out behind the mask. I am what I am. Time has come to take it to another level. I won’ keep this my “before sleeping activity” and have it read only by my best friend.  It doesn’t serve for anything and it’s all in vain. I believe the next step would be to have the courage to reveal …me.

What the fuck is a life hidden behind the masks we wear every day? I sincerely believe that humanity would have so much to gain if you try to be… you. Sometimes I really feel that I lost myself between these different roles I played. The rebel girl, the party setter, the slutty teenager, the independent young woman, the artist, the non-conformist person, the romantic soul, the “I don’t give a fuck” kind of one, the cool young mom, the dominating wife, the sexy woman, the tortured artist, and I could go on like this… at least two days, and not mentioning an almost permanent “I know everything and I know best” shitty person. Oh, and forgetting, the “I’ll do everything to stand out, including very embarrassing stuff”. And I’m getting tired… I am really tired…

I have always tried to stand out of the crowd, to be original and different, but I have never tried to be… me! By wearing all these mask I have lost myself on the way. Who am I? What do I want?  These are the question that are haunting me every day. But I learned something: pretending to be someone else that you’re not can’t bring anything good.

As I begin to think now about my past experiences, I realize the more I tried to be original and extravagant in a copy paste way, the more I had seemed shallow and superficial. I now began to see that the best you to impress, and to make those around you listen to you, respect you and appreciate you…is by being you! Why? Because the ‘you mask” is the oldest you have and usually the more experience you have with one thing, the better you know it. The better you know it, the better you can control it. And if you really get in that point when you take control over yourself, you can do anything you put your mind to! You have the power to control your life and take the best decisions!

Maybe I have mentioned ti before, the story with my coordinating teacher at the university in Bucharest (while studying Film and Television)… the first lesson he taught us, was to write or speak about things we know best, real stories. The dirtiest diamond will be the shiniest! So, I talk about my stories, my emotions and my experiences. What could I know better than this and who could know me better than I do?

And, in the end, I’m proud of myself today. Today, I managed to be a lady, even if I did open my mouth and I did speak for myself. This is self-control. Trust me, one year ago, I would have used all the bad language vocabulary can provide and I would have made a scene to remember. It is not important the subject matter of the incident, it is the way I handled it. It could range from an argument with a driver or a hot discussion with the boss, it doesn’t matter. It matters that in the end you stood for you in an elegant way but firm enough to impose yourself! … I stood tall, and I did it my way 🙂/

Freaky Friday


Up at 7 o’clock, prepare the kid for school, prepare yourself for work, go to work, come home, do the chores, spent time with the kid, go shopping, go to rehearsal, come home, prepare the next day, download a bunch of self-confidence crap and you don’t know how time passes without doing nothing special for yourself. If all days are like this, when on earth you could find the time to work out??? (That crossed my mind because Friday I bought myself a jogging costume on sale and I really want to use it!). I’m no freakin’ Wonder Woman! Sometimes I just need some time to myself…

I know it’s not Friday today, but this is the story that came to my mind for today…

That moment when I must choose between family and career… what will it be? I remember one time when I felt a lot of tension between me and my hubby right there next me who prefered to watch a scandal show than sort things out…

The end of January

Nobody wants to open the subject I brought up earlier on the phone, during my rehearsals. Next week his family comes visit us. The problem? I can’t stay for the family dinner nor take them to the airport as planned, both because rehearsal planning! Is not that I’m crazy about them, but I know it is important to my husband.

Sometimes, I don’t like things my husband appreciate, but if it’s important to him, they matter also for me… but what do I do, when his priorities overcome mine? That’s an answer I have searched for a long time? Is this love? You give up your priorities for your partner’s? But who decides who gives up on what! He might give up as well? What the fuck will we do? We’re gonna pick the short straw? I think this chapter is called Compromises! The question is… who does what when? Fucking complicated! Everyone should do what gives him pleasure… why there must be compromises? Each of us thinks that his thing is more important than the other’s. Honestly, I’ll be even more cliché and say that the key is communication… not right now, maybe 🙂 it’s pretty tense right now. After a good night sleep, everything seems clearer! /

After a good night sleep…

…Tension has grown! Let’s say we had a stormy morning! Yelling is our family sport! Some say that yelling is not nice, neighbors hear you, the child sees you and so on. I couldn’t agree…… less! I believe yelling is damn good! Yelling releases the tension! Yelling sets free the anger inside! You yell at each other a couple of minutes and that’s it. Yelling needs a lot of energy, so, unless you’re a long distance runner, I believe couple of minutes of yelling are enough to take your breath away! I really do believe that tension kept inside can cause serious damage. A later implosion is what we call a heart attack! Let it all out! If I have something to say to my husband, it must be said! This is communication! If you leave things unsaid, it’s going to get harder and harder to be said! If you want to avoid big yelling, let the small yelling take place.

So, I was questioning compromises. Should they exist in relationship? Is there a relationship without compromises? What’s the ideal relationship? Clearly, it doesn’t exist such a thing like ideal… something, except for me :)!

I build my own ideal and it’s perfect for me! There is a saying: you are unique, just like the rest of the world! The fact that we’re unique is the sole characteristic we all have in common! Paradox, ah? Many times I wondered… how do I know that my husband is the one for me? Let’s say I was no Virgin Mary before marriage, and I have lived all the Hollywood teenage movies experiences and life has never stopped giving me precious lessons.

I have made mistakes, but I’m proud to say that I have learned from my mistakes. Every time I am about to do a stupid thing, I have in mind my past experiences and knowing how they turned up, I reflect a second time, and even a third time if necessary!

In the world’s eyes, I’m not perfect… nor my husband. He had also his bad boy era! But there’s a thing… when I look in the mirror I see only my imperfections, but when he looks at me, I see my perfection in his eyes! I really hope I haven’t seen this in a movie or something because it sounds so good and I would love to see it as a quote on Facebook, signed by me! 🙂

I’m difficult for those around me, I have always been, as a child to my family, as a teenager to my best friend, and as a woman to my husband! I will never pretend that we don’t have problems in our marriage, but who doesn’t? And there are times when we disagree, there are times when we step on each other’s nerve and there are also times when sex is not enough and when it is, it’s not a Sexy Emmanuelle orgasm every time, and we threat with divorce and there are even times when I just want to lock him in a box where he can shut the fuck up!!! But then I imagine not opening that box and never see him again… and I start to suffocate! I can’t breathe if I imagine life without him!

I see myself an old woman… and there he is, right beside be, bubbling about something I did:) this is how I know he is the one for me! So, this is the best test for me! We’re WE… we’re special, we’re not a regular couple (yeah… I know, every couple thinks of themselves this way… what can we do, i’m not an alien, it’s normal to think like a human being), we don’t do stuff other couples do, we make fun of our internal gases, we love to eat a falafel on the step of a closed boutique in the Marais instead of entering inside the restaurant in front of us and we make our fat bellies dance imitating Baloo from The Jungle Book.

And the last but not the least is our daughter. If we have been capable of creating such a beautiful, intelligent, crazy and perfect creature (yeah, I know… every crow sees his baby as the perfect white dove:)), it has to mean something… I believe it is called love! It’s my love! And where love exists, compromises are called solutions! You don’t have to give up on anything, you just need to find a way to find yourselves in the middle. It doesn’t matter if you come from one way and the other one from another way, or if you come both from the same way. The important is to always find yourselves.

Don’t get lost in the spur of the moment. If bad words come on the top of your tongue, take a shot of water and keep it in your mouth until offenses are melted. It’s good to yell and say things you have on your chest but try not to offense! An offense came from the loved one hits a million time harder than a Kalashnikov. We say it’s only words, but be careful, the word is the most powerful instrument humanity has ever developed! Words kill just as they can heal! Be a healer instead of a killer :)… yeah, world peace also!!! 🙂

The final score in my dilemma? Well, let’s just say things sort it out for themselves… My in laws  went on shopping so I had spare time with my cousin…  boys from my band wanted the rehearsals in the afternoon, so faith took care of everything:) Sometimes you just need a bit of luck… and patience!!! 🙂



Faith – part 2

Part 2

Well, I’m gonna be very short about our few weeks spent in Paris the first. Let’s just say we changed a couple of social hotels (my mom didn’t have the right to keep another two persons where she lived at the moment), we were the new comers in the European Union and our rights were pretty… nonexistent, so the chances to find a job were below 0.

After we spent all my mom’s and grandma’s economies, we had to go back home. Broke. In every possible way. Financially, spiritually, and so on. We had our whole lives in 2 suitcases that we moved from my husband’s mother to my grandparent’s and we finally settled in a small one room apartment in my home town. Honestly, I don’t have any fucking idea how we survived for three months. Fortunately, we raised money from all the members of our family to pay 2 months the rent and the third we left it hanged in the air when we decided to give it one more shot in Paris. This time my mom found us a 7 square meters room to live. Imagine the smallest room in the world with a mattress directly on the floor, a sink, a toilet (in the same room) and an improvised shower. Better said, we were living in bathroom which had a mattress on the floor. We tried to work on the black market with no papers and a shitty pay, but in the end, after 3 weeks we had to live again an unpaid week and go back to Romania, because there was no hope of surviving. To have a better view of the picture, let’s just say my husband had to stay awake in order to keep the rats away from me on the last night in Paris that we spent in a subway station! When I saw The pursuit of happiness, when Will Smith had to sleep with his son in the subway toilets, he had 5 stars conditions…:)

 This time I said, ok, Paris doesn’t want to adopt us! We must accept it and move on. Paris had thrown us away once again. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I left school the first time we went away. After one year and a half of university, I dropped out for the French dream. It’s not like I was mad about my school. I was doing something just to say I was in school. When I finished high school, my hopes were to be admitted at a film school. After the first rejection at low standard school I was so disappointed and I said I will never get in a good school, so why bother? I went to a private school just to say I was attending university!

Faith has made it possible to arrive in Romania just one day before the closing of inscriptions at the school were I always dreamed to get in. it was a Thursday morning when we arrived at my grandparents and I don’t ask me why I had the impulse to go online and check the dates of inscriptions. Friday was the last day and Monday the exams began. I packed my stuff, I went to my best friend in Bucharest, I didn’t sleep for three days and I got myself prepared for the admission exams. I didn’t tell my family about my plans. This time I didn’t want to play the drama queen role if I was to fail so I kept my mouth shut until I had the results.

The first day we had the written stuff. You can’t imagine how I felt when I met all the applicants. They were talking about film as if they had a 20 years career on their back. Directors and movies and stuff I had never heard in my life before. The terms and the language they used, their way of talking made me feel so small and dumb that they almost made me think to run away and drop everything out! But… I was thinking about the inscription fee I paid and they were my very last money I had so I said to myself… this is now or never.

And of course, because my life is a soap opera, guess what? It ended with a very happy end. I got it! I cried my eyes out. You could have left me without food and water and let me live underground or at the subway, nothing was more important than the fact that I was accepted! That was the day when I got it why Paris didn’t want me! He knew I had left unfinished business back in Romania. Even though I was indoctrinated with the Maktub (this is how it was written) stuff from the Paolo Coelho novel, The Alchemist, since I was 17, this time I was proven that everything happens to a reason. I can’ describe you the tragedy that it was for me to come back not once, but two times, back in Romania, after I bragged at all of my friends that I was going to move in Paris and then come back with my tail between my legs. Yeah… no comment 🙂

My four years of college will make the subject of another story, because they were too great to give them just the supporting role in today’s story. 

Conclusion: No matter how hard you try to escape your destiny, it will always get you back on track.

 Keep your mind open at everything that happens to you. The biggest tragedy is just one episode that leads you to the next greater step! Don’t let yourself disappointed by faith. Everything, and I mean everything happens for a reason. That superior force above us… it’s not resting. Someone once told me… Don’t try to force life, just let it follow its natural course. At that point I said he is just an asshole who didn’t want to take our relationship to the next level… as in… introducing me to his friends as his official girlfriend ( I was 16 and something) :), but you know what… he was so damn right 🙂

So, after exactly 4 years of school, I finally got to live my French dream! Faith has brought me back to Paris and this time was for good! What can I say, it was worth waiting 🙂

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” 
― Paulo CoelhoAlchemist

The end of a working week

Sometimes you just need a bit of sleep… Sometimes all you have to do is to… just sleep! You need it, your body needs it, your mind deserves it! Just go with the flow….. and sleep!

See you in Dreamland:)


In Romania we say… a cold one and then a hot one :). Last time was F for Failure, today is another F, but for Faith! I have always said that one thing leads to another and things happen if you go with the flow. Everything happens for a reason. Even if sometimes the final purpose is not that obvious, believe me, it’s there! I’ve had quite a few events in my life that re-enforced these believes! And the examples… let’s just say I have enough stories to tell ‘till I die..! For example, the first one that comes to my mind right now, is about how we came to live in Paris. Yeah, I can’t complain, it’s fucking fabulous!!! It has worth trying three times! It was not always this fairy-tale we’re living now (I understand fairy-tale by not paying rent because we still live with my mom… I know, I have low standards 🙂 )

1ST time- December 2007

I still remember how we packed everything in one night to free our 1 room apartment, afraid that the landlord will arrive claiming his last 3 month rent! Let’s say we had no job, no hopes to get a job, my mom had left the country in august, leaving me with a small land to sell and pay a lot of debts to a lot of angry men, my soon to be husband’s parents had just had a divorce and they were in another galaxy, so we were pretty shaken up. I would lie to say that we had no one! No matter what happened, I have always had my grandparents to support me, in every possible way a person can be supported. I owe them everything I am today, even if I’m not much. I know if someday I’ll be someone it’s thanks to them and it’s because I owe them this! No one believes in me more than my grandmother does and no James Cameron could compare with the bedtime stories my grandfather would tell me every night. They gave me the wings to fly.  It’s true they never thought I would fly 1500 miles away. So, when we’ve decided to leave the country for the first time, it was the hardest decision to take. It was just a few months after their only daughter had left, so this second hit was not easy to take. I spent my last days in Romania, in my home town, Pitesti, just 50 miles from Bucharest (the capital). Only the thought to leave them alone was killing me. How I cried those day… I even cry now, as I write… this is one of my strongest demon that’s haunting me! The fact that I can’t have my grandparents here with me… they’re old, they are alone… and they get older and older… and I’m not there! It’s hard… and I know there are thousands and thousands of men and women and children out there separated by much bigger and suffering reasons like war and poverty, but we are built to think that what happens to us is the worst. I can’t help it…

So, on December 23, we have all our lives packed in two suitcases. Ready to begin a new life, ready to live the immigrant dream! Full of high hopes, in one week we’ll find a job, in one month we’ll have a house, and in one year we’ll buy a land in Romania to start building our house! Oh, I forgot to say, we were 20 years old at the moment yeah, cruel age! Still believe that pigs fly! I left with my heart broken, literally! I cried all the way to the airport, in the plane… in the bus that took us to the entrance in Paris (Porte Maillot) from the airport… I cried like a baby! That cry you cannot stop! That cry that comes from inside! That cry of pain! A really big pain that’s eating you inside! You simply feel how your heart is broken in thousands of little pieces and it seems impossible to have it ever fixed! /

…and cry some more when I arrived in Paris. When you say Paris, you think of that vintage city with fashionable people and cute cafés, berets and lovers on the keys, red wine and Camembert cheese… For those of you who know Paris, my destination was Chateau Rouge neighborhood. Travelling in the metro (the subway) I was not able to make any sightseeing so, the first time I have ever saw the light in Paris was directly in this vibrant place! No description needed. For you out there who have no idea what this means, let’s say you’d swear you’re somewhere between Maghreb and Africa, with a touch of Asia. Instead of my cute cafés or brasseries for a glass of red wine, there are salon de thé for the Arabs to have their gun powder green tea, halal kebab fast food instead of fromageries, and boutiques full of African fabrics to keep it trendy. Nothing French at all. Bye bye French dream! And I forgot to say that all this is at a 3 minute walk from the famous Montmartre 🙂 Where the fuck was I?

Any hope I had made about Paris was soon to be broken! The shock was that big that for an instant I had all forgotten about Romania and the fact I left my grandparents alone. Yes, that big the shock was! Even though it was just one day before Christmas Eve, I couldn’t have any Christmas spirit vibrations! There was nothing I imagined to be. I don’t know if it were the emotions of seeing my mother, my disappointments about the city or just the normal fear of a new challenge, the fact is that my inside was upside down! /

To be continued…

P.S. We have just found our own place!!! Waiting to move out from my mom’s!


Today I hate myself. I hate that I’m so weak. I feel like a cockroach. Today I have failed. Why can’t I be strong and ambitious and do what I deserve?

There were times when nothing could stop me! I remember the days when ambition was my middle name. What can I do to find that strength again? I’m ready to admit that I am a food slave and a sugar addict. I weight ….. a lot…and I’m just 26 years old! I know I need help but I really don’t know where to ask! Everything is about money today! Everybody pretends to help you, but I don’t think there is someone really out there who is doing this just for the desire to help others. And for the love of God… I WORK IN A PASTRY SHOP!!! I feel like a coward! I know I’m a coward. I try to think at all the famous failures in the world and how Oprah Winfrey was fired from television because the producers thought she doesn’t fit for TV. And, look at her now… she did pretty well, I may say!

Is it such a big sin being oversized? Should we all be in our perfect size? What is the perfect size? When was the BMI invented? Who said that being thin is the standard beauty? Why should we follow the crowd??

I sincerely admire oversized models…

Normally, this post ended here… when I wrote it… about 3 months ago… but today I feel the need to continue because the purpose is here to come. My dear best friend advised me with a book to read, it is called Steal like an Artist , by Austin Kleon. Wonderful book, I recommend it also. In less than one hour you can finish it. I won’t talk about the book, but I will mention a piece of advice which the author insists on: google everything! from questions, to dreams, from frustrations to ideas, everything… google it! Chances are there a lot of people out there who questions the same things as you do. The thing is I was already googling everything before I read the book to see if someone else is as fucked up as I am. Guess what? 🙂 there are a lot of fucked up people out there:)

My point? I began reading other people stories, I began listening other people stories and I began to see the real stories behind the fake people. There is no one out there living without any frustrations. We are not perfect (and even if some try so hard to pretend they are, you can’t even imagine how conscious they are about their imperfections). Each and everyone of us has those tiny little creatures living in our brains making us go mad sometimes. And the feeling that I was not the only one (yeah, at some point, I thought of myself as the Messiah on Earth), made feel better. Actually, this was the main reason I decided to publish my writings… because sometimes, the courage to let it all out, might inspire someone else. I got inspired by so many stories that I wanted to give something back… Thanks to so many persons that had the courage to release their demons, my confidence starts to gain weight and my body to lose it. And even when things go rough, I learned that gaining 2 pounds it’s not the end of the world. Not being all stressed out, way less tension in my body, my mind is free of dark thoughts (I’m not saying that I have a whole week without a depression day, but it’s a difference than having all days, black days), and the most important thing… less time spent to choose my clothes in the morning:)))) and … time is money:))))

Hasta la vista, baby:)


Part 3- Bolognese Theory

Bolognese Theory

Fortunately, everything in the world, has its reverse. And this story is about pasta a la Bolognese. I always hated Bolognese. All that ground meat, tomato sauce, garlic… too… ordinary…too… not inspiring. But I actually had not tasted a well done pastas, except one time made by a friend who was not such of a good cook.

This until winter came and the boutique had to feed a lot of hungry men and women with high caloric dishes so they can be able to face the cold outside. Oh, yeah, Parisians love Italian food! And once I was hungry. I was in the mood for pastas, but, when I turned to see what’s left… there were only two bowl of… of course… Bolognese! One thing led me to another to taste this dish I have always hated… and… it was not so bad… far away better than the lasagnas. Then I warmed it… I put a bit of cheese and there I was, having a blast by eating Bolognese. There were actually not so bad! After a half of bowl, I was like… I couldn’t let the bowl aside… it was that good. Just like one good mercy fuck with a geek which turns up to be not that bad, actually great in the end, unlike the Lasagnas which was the “captain of the football team” who fucks quick and terrible and it’s only the image we are mad about 🙂 

Conclusion: Never judge before you know! You might get surprised! Let yourself time to know before you put a verdict. Things might surprise me if you let time do his job. Many times we let ourselves fooled by the first impression (which can be good or bad). We hurry to put an etiquette on people, marginalize them just because they don’t look in a certain way. We reject people and we discriminate only because we don’t allow the time to get to know them. And, unfortunately, today we discriminate a lot. I watch my 4 year old daughter telling why she doesn’t want to be friends with I don’t what girl because she has an ugly dress. And this is our fault, our society’s fault, because before that my daughter was marginalized in front of our block by other kids because she wasn’t speaking well (she was two years old and they spoke a different language than her’s. And now of course, they are all friends because I bought them with sweets and candies and awesome anniversary parties! Yeah, I know, it’s not the best example I could give to my daughter but I was raised in a world where I found out that everything has a price! Or at least… almost!

So, the thing is, we have the tendency to make what others do to us… why??? I know, we’re no fucking Jesus… but at least… can we try to be more good with other? why all this cruelty, why all this envy? why all this hypocrisy? why all the gossip, why all the interest on your neighbor’s new car? These are the little things that can change our kids mentality on the long term… Just be who you wanna be without being interested on x or y and why he did that or where she went and with whom!! It’s not your fucking business! And don’t try to make any suppositions on someone else’s life! You could never know what’s inside someone else’s soul! 

In my personal experience I have no greater story than how I met my husband. When I first met him, I was not even 19. Last year of high school, and even though I was attending that school for over a year we had never met. One week before school end, we had The Prom! Something like the American one, but without the queen and the king. Let’s say we turned out to be the royal family after all, in a very Bolognese style, but this story is way too complicated for this evening and plus that I had to type on my laptop all yesterday stuff, so, quoting Scarlet O’Hara: Tomorrow is another day. 

Stay tuned:) 

Scent vs. Taste

At the boutique where I work we serve Lasagnas and pastas a la Bolognese. Lasagnas I always loved, or at least their reputation. Back in my country, it’s not something you eat often. So, maybe it’s the fantasy I was mad about. On the other hand, Bolognese… bleah!!! Ground meat, tomato sauce… not something among my favorites.

Lasagnas, Bolognese and other stuff…

Part 1- other stuff…

The thing is… if you want to make time for you, you can sort it out somehow. I have been using all the pretexts and all the excuses in the world for not doing what I had in mind. Not having the time is the lowest excuse ever! If you love something real bad, you find the time! It doesn’t matter if it’s 5 minutes or 5 hours. It’s important to be all the time, ideally on a daily basis. Each and every day of our lives, it counts!

Imagine you’re on your death bed (even if it sound creepy… that day will come, except when you die in an accident, so you are not in your bed). You would do anything to have just one more day. I can’t even imagine how much it means one day! Lives change in one day! Destinies are written in one day. One day can make history! And examples are countless. Think that it was just one day, one moment when I don’t know what Slavic prince was killed and First World War has begun. It was one day when Hitler’s mother decided to get married and have Hitler and we all know how it went. Or, think of the day when Lady Diana died. That changed the course of history. Imagine if she would had lived and had a baby with Dodi… an Arab being the brother of the future king of Great Britain! I can only imagine the face of that castrated boiled rat of Charles and that infatuated non-fucked mother of his. And it was one day that changed everything.

Then why not appreciate every day I have? Why not make every day a celebration of life? Why not take advantage of all the days I have? I work hard every day, I’m there only for the money because living as a bohemian is no longer an option for me when I’m responsible for a little creature which is my baby. I start to realize that I’m in my comfort zone… but really, where’s the soul’s satisfaction? And I don’t understand one thing… why the fuck is it called comfort zone? If you’re comfortable in that situation, why leave it?

It’s true, I don’t have a lot of choices right now because of my immigrant status, but one day I’ll have done all my paperwork… What will I do? For the sake of my life, I hope I’ll wake up and have the courage to take the risk and find something else, even though, changes are not my things. I get attached, easily. It’s hard to let go. But since I’ve emigrated from my country, life has taught me things the hard way, so my ass is so kicked off that it has become senseless. Sometimes is good learning the hard way, I’ve said it before, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger (ok, I know, it’s someone else who said it before… who cares? … the message is important, not the messenger). So, ok, I don’t believe in this quit your job shit, I have a child to raise, a car to pay, I want to move out from my mom’s place… and my hubby is no Donald fucking Trump, he works hard for a shitty pay check! Welcome to immigrants’ club!

The question is… Can that stop me looking for another job? We’ll see by the end of the year if this goes… somewhere… over the rainbowJ

Part 2- Lasagnas Theory

So, I began writing about scent vs. taste. I know I left it unfinished but the important is I have started in the first place. There is no problem, look, I’m finishing now.

However, beginning things and never finish them that’s another thing.

I have mentioned the lasagnas. Let’s say I’ve drooled…literally, I’ve drooled about those lasagnas. The scent in the air, Good Lord, they were making me go crazy… pouring water in my mouth (saliva, actually). Once I said, what the fuck, I’ll bring two casseroles at home. I was having my band rehearsal so I didn’t want to eat in hurry. I wanted to have a special moment, with a glass of wine, candles…I’m joking with the candles. But I like making a special moment with something I love eating. I may say I have a sick cult of food…But that’s not important right now. So, I told my family I brought lasagnas. I said to myself I will eat in the morning.

Next day, I wake up, I go directly to the fridge, and … no lasagnas! What the fuck? Next second I hear my dear husband Oh, honey, you’ll be glad to know we eat until the very last bite, they were great the lasagnas! He knows I’m happy when he loves the food I cook/bring/buy, but the feeling I got! guess what? This time I felt like someone had just hit me… with a hammer… in the head! It’s like planning a hot date, and the other one doesn’t show up! Fuck, double fuck!

So, I remain with the lasagnas cravings. Every day the smell was killing me softly. Usually, we eat after lunch service, so if there is no lasagnas left I can go fuck myself! I had butterflies in my stomach when serving those lasagnas. I was like… horny over the lasagnas! I know, I’m weird with the food… but that is the word… horny!!!

Days went by… I was unfucked by the lasagnas and the desire was making my food hormones go crazy.  Till one day… the miracle was there. A holyday with not so much clients… so there were three lasagnas left… I couldn’t wait to take it home, so I just wanted there… at the table, right now! My own, juicy, greasy, hot lasagnas… my wonderful lasagnas… no foreplay, nothing… I went straight ahead with the first bite. I was hoping firework in my mouth and satisfaction in my stomach… I had one bite, two bites, three bites, like a savage… waiting for my taste papillary to start doing their job… and BOW!!!!…I hit my head so hard like fish jumping on a water bowl asphalt drawing. Nothing special, nothing that could give me that gastronomic orgasm I was expecting for. It’s like receiving a very big present box under the Christmas tree and inside you find only a pair of ordinary socks! That’s the feeling I got!

With the first occasion I got I went on a Chinese restaurant and got myself a healthy plate of noodles with all kinds of Ho Chi Min, Kung Fu, and Jackie Chan chicken and had my classic but sure orgasm!

Conclusion: Things aren’t always as they seem! Just because it’s pretty and shiny, and it smells good, doesn’t mean you hit the good stuff.

And I think that stands quite alright with people too. Or situations. I have high hopes usually. I trust people. I give them credit from the start. I don’t know why, considering today’s society where everybody will fuck you at some point (almost), but I do, I trust people. I want to believe the goodness in us still exists. And many times I’m disappointed. And I haven’t stop believing this. I do believe in humanity… still! I’m thrilled by new people, by new situations, new clothes… and I’ve never known why there or so many times when it turns to be not so good. And normally, then,  I feel bad. Disappointment is not the nicest thing in the world.  A person who seems nice is actually a snake, a situation can have many turn ups, and a dress you have dreamed for a month to have it makes your ass looks as big as Chinatown!

And over the years, I realized that I throw myself ahead without thinking. So, as Celine Dion says, Think Twice, would not be such a bad thing. First impression can fool you. I sometimes get so excited that my neurons are like… drunk. And when you’re drunk you usually call and text your ex… stuff like this that you regret when you wake up.

My point? Let myself a bit more time to know what I’m dealing with. Reflect before act. I think this would be a very mature thing to do. Accepting or not, I’m a young adult and as my best friend says: there are times when you simply cannot blame age, anymore. Wise words, my dear! Plus, reflecting before acting means not so many disappointing stuff, which results in happier life! Ta daa!!!

So, at the beginning of today’s post I’ve stated something: that you can always find time for the thing you love. Proof: The Lasagnas Theory was written entirely during a Saturday at the boutique. I have taken advantage of the Saturday’s quiet profile and I brought my notebook (a real one with sheets) and I wrote down between two clients! /

To be continued…