To be or not to be…? :)

When do you know how to act like a lady or …not? Diplomacy or street style? Should you turn your head for the second slap or should you raise the blade?

In my country it is said: The bent head, the sword won’t cut. It’s an universally convention that we should not lower ourselves and enter in polemics with persons inferior to us. It is said that silence is also an answer? But… is it, really??

I think there are times when your nerves are so stretched out that not even a whole bottle a Xanax could not calm you down. What do you do? You pull out your claws or do still go with civilized way? Remember, the battles are won by people who rest Zen, read some Sun Tzu 🙂

I believe there are two kinds of people. First, the really stupid ones, that no matter what you do or say, they will never understand it. They just don’t have the capabilities to process any information. They are so locked up in their stupid heads, that no one can release not even one neuron to function.

Second category: smart, intelligent people, with whom you really enjoy having a contradiction, a battle in arguments. For me, it’s always a pleasure, one of my guilty pleasures 🙂

But, there is also a third species, the most dangerous one. Capable enough to make the effort to respond, but widely stupid to have a good argument but insisting and taking action as their damaged brain commands. What do you do? Will you sit as an asshole without doing anything?

Sometimes is really good to let it all out!

And yes, sometimes you need to shut the fuck up! (when the situation requires it) I, for one, have a big mouth. And I might over talk sometimes. Then I regret for not keeping my mouth shut.(because sometimes I really do talk a lot, and I mean A LOT).

But most of the time you have to say what you think. It’s better to have it said that not saying it at all. It’s like the character of Valmont from Les Liasons Dangereuses by Choderlos de Laclos, or was it Iago from Othello, … doesn’t matter, it’s not mine the reflection, I’m just rewriting a famous quote that says something like “better hanged for tasting than drowned in desire” I have it written somewhere, I’ll look for it.

So, yes, I prefer to let it all out than continuing to hide. Time has come to step out behind the mask. I am what I am. Time has come to take it to another level. I won’ keep this my “before sleeping activity” and have it read only by my best friend.  It doesn’t serve for anything and it’s all in vain. I believe the next step would be to have the courage to reveal …me.

What the fuck is a life hidden behind the masks we wear every day? I sincerely believe that humanity would have so much to gain if you try to be… you. Sometimes I really feel that I lost myself between these different roles I played. The rebel girl, the party setter, the slutty teenager, the independent young woman, the artist, the non-conformist person, the romantic soul, the “I don’t give a fuck” kind of one, the cool young mom, the dominating wife, the sexy woman, the tortured artist, and I could go on like this… at least two days, and not mentioning an almost permanent “I know everything and I know best” shitty person. Oh, and forgetting, the “I’ll do everything to stand out, including very embarrassing stuff”. And I’m getting tired… I am really tired…

I have always tried to stand out of the crowd, to be original and different, but I have never tried to be… me! By wearing all these mask I have lost myself on the way. Who am I? What do I want?  These are the question that are haunting me every day. But I learned something: pretending to be someone else that you’re not can’t bring anything good.

As I begin to think now about my past experiences, I realize the more I tried to be original and extravagant in a copy paste way, the more I had seemed shallow and superficial. I now began to see that the best you to impress, and to make those around you listen to you, respect you and appreciate you…is by being you! Why? Because the ‘you mask” is the oldest you have and usually the more experience you have with one thing, the better you know it. The better you know it, the better you can control it. And if you really get in that point when you take control over yourself, you can do anything you put your mind to! You have the power to control your life and take the best decisions!

Maybe I have mentioned ti before, the story with my coordinating teacher at the university in Bucharest (while studying Film and Television)… the first lesson he taught us, was to write or speak about things we know best, real stories. The dirtiest diamond will be the shiniest! So, I talk about my stories, my emotions and my experiences. What could I know better than this and who could know me better than I do?

And, in the end, I’m proud of myself today. Today, I managed to be a lady, even if I did open my mouth and I did speak for myself. This is self-control. Trust me, one year ago, I would have used all the bad language vocabulary can provide and I would have made a scene to remember. It is not important the subject matter of the incident, it is the way I handled it. It could range from an argument with a driver or a hot discussion with the boss, it doesn’t matter. It matters that in the end you stood for you in an elegant way but firm enough to impose yourself! … I stood tall, and I did it my way 🙂/


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