Tag Archives: Life

14 zile intensive. Ziua 8

Ok, astazi o sa va explic de ce azi am mancat cam toate leftovers-urile (resturile).
Nu sunt ecologista, nu triez gunoiul, las apa sa curga, poluez aerul mergand cu masina, nu sunt vegetariana, nu ii condamn pe aia de poarta blanuri (si probabil ca daca as primi vreuna cadou, as purta-o), si cu siguranta ignor cu buna stiinta ca ma imbrac cu haine fabricate in cine stie ce conditii, si cel mai posibil de catre copii de varsta lu’ fii-mea!
Da, imi asum toate astea si probabil multe altele! Dar in toata nenorocirea asta care zace in mine, s-a nascut un principiu, unul singur.
Imaginea copilului aluia murind/mort de foame cu vulturii asteptand hoitul, care a inconjurat planeta cu ceva ani in urma, m-a tulburat atat de tare incat si acum ma bantuie! In completarea acestei fotografii mi-a mai dat o palma si #VictorHugo cu al sau roman #Mizerabilii, roman care descrie atat de bine saracia si degradarea umana incat mi se pare cea mai mare batjocura pe care o pot aduce omenirii si naturii, aruncand mancare.
Doar atata pot sa fiu de #eco! Deocamdata!

#micdejun paine #faragluten cu crema de branza light, rosii cherry si ardei iute

#pranz supa phu phu, phi phi, pho pho, luata la pachet alalteri, portia lu’ cumatra! Si…o mana (mica) de home made cartofi prajiti…fii-mea face pijama party si nah…ce sa le fac daca nu cartofi…si nu, nu am rezistat! Nu e dulce si nu e nici gluten… nu se incadreaza tocmai bine in “intensiv”, dar macar nu va mint 🙂

#cina supa de pui facuta marti, data in fiert azi si a fost super buna! 🙂

Got to go…am de supravegheat doua caprite!!!

14 zile intensive. Ziua 7

#micdejun 2 felii paine #faragluten, unt de arahide si dulceata de afine #farazahar. Cel mai misto la aceste doua produse e ca sunt chiar naturale, fara indulcitori artificiali, in cazul dulcetei, doar fructoza din afine, evident.

#pranz supa de pui cu taietei de orez pe care mi-am luat-o ieri la pachet! Da, iau mereu la pachet, pentru ca mi se pare ca risipa de mancare chiar e bataie de joc contra naturii. Si am luat si jumatatea de portie curry cu pui a lu’ cumatra Diana Ionescu 🙂 Si cum lu’ Printi a mea ii era pofta de indian ca ar manca in fiecare zi curry, astazi, doar ce am trecut strada la Taj sa ne porcim cu niste sosulete.

#cina branza in sos de ceapa, legume picante si orez simplu.

La pranz am mancat o patratica, doar una, de ciocolata neagra #farazahar.

I’m half way there!! Yuhuuu🏋🏋🏋

Have you ever been in love?

They say sometimes you gotta let go the past In order to live your present… but how can you, when everything you miss the most is that same past?

Not rarely I have seen people anchored in the past. Anchored in past realities that no longer stand for today. Relationships are by far the best working sheet to observe this phenomenon. How can a relationship pass the time test? How can two people update themselves in the same time in order to keep the fire going? Or when do you decide that your life lanes are no longer on the same path?

Today, divorces rates are higher than anytime in history. Society is developing so fast in so many ways, that sometimes we lose sight of primordial needs. What is with people today that they quit so easily upon a marriage? Instead of taking advantage of today’s resources, it seems to me that those exact resources are provoking the exact opposite of what they should be doing. Health, education, culture, access to information, freedom of speech, women’s emancipation, those should be beneficial factors to a better life, instead it seems to ruin what they should built stronger. Time runs faster and we don’t have the patience to repair what’s broken, and many times we choose to replace something that has only a scratch. Why?

Returning to relationships, I see my grandparents’ generation in a totally different view with my generation today. They sworn until death takes them apart and they stuck with that promise. For good and for worse. And that’s not necessarily always about remaining in love like in the first day. It’s more to that. It’s about a solid partnership that stand in storm together, it’s about completing each other in times of need, it’s about building a strong family that overpasses any obstacle. They choose to repair when something gets broken. Because not everything new is necessarily better or improved. It’s just new! And history teach us that trends come and go, but classics remain immortals. Just take a look at an antique furniture. It will always have a greater value than any modern piece. That antique furniture may be full of scratches, but every single scratch tells a story. It comes with an accumulated energy that no new thing may acquire. And sometimes even those scratches can be reconditioned. So, why can’t we apply the same principles to relationships? Why are we so fascinated by new stuff? Why can’t we value what we already have? Why can’t we update ourselves by removing the signs of time? What’s the Botox for our relationships’ wrinkles? Do we let go of the past? Do we search for the present? Or is it just an excuse to keep fighting?

In order to live the present we have to accept the past, not letting go of it!

Well, first of all, I think the pollution for relationships today it’s society high speed evolution today. We forgot how to be patient. We want it all, we want it now. If it doesn’t get better by next week, we consider it done. Just like any diet. Why do we quit? Because we wanna see the result immediately. In one week we want to lose fat accumulated in one year. That’s not possible, but our brains today are used to be one click away from everything. With one click, you get face to face from China to America, with one click you do your shopping, with one click your dinner, with one click you do almost everything today; fortunately, love remains more than just a click away.

But to be in love, is to understand first what love is. Love is not an illusion, love is not what makes Hollywood movies be drama blockbusters. Love is not just falling for someone. Love is not that screaming orgasm in that sexual act. Love is not only the feeling of butterflies in your stomach, love is not lust or desire. Love is more than a late motive.

Love is more than yourself, love is what makes humanity exist. Love is in everything you wish to see blooming. Love is wanting to share your life in every possible way with someone who will always be there no matter how many scratches you’ll have. Love will change in desire to protect. Love will wipe your tears away when you are down and it’ll pick you up and learn you how to walk again. Love will empower you to stand on the edge of the greatest heights without being afraid. Love will warm your heart you when you are cold as ice. Love will still see the beauty in you even when your demons will come out. Love will vanish those demons and bring light back in your life. Love will be patient, just like the Bible says, to rebuilt over and over again what has been destroyed. Love is what makes the sun rise even after the longest night.

So let me ask you, have you ever been in love?




Yes, I am alive!

Indeed, I am alive, maybe for the first time in life I really feel alive! It’s been a looong time since I’ve felt the need to write down my thoughts, but as I had stated in the first place, writing was my auto- therapy. Let’s say I haven’t felt the need for therapy for the past few months… like…since …last September, I think…

Maybe you wonder why! I’ll tell but not right away because so many thing have happened in my life that I don’t even know how to start. Remember my summertime? Well, I think you do, since it’s been my best viewed post 🙂 That gave me a lot of confidence, my great summertime and all the changes that came after that.

Ok, I’m not gonna push your patience: I became a singer! A payed one! A real one! Like in….people pay me to sing for them!! With real money, not monopoly money nor invisible money! People actually pay ME to sing for them! Hope the IRS doesn’t read this :)))))) ( dear IRS, I dream a lot, don’t take me serious) :))))

It all started with a desire! MY DESIRE! the desire to do what I want, to be in front of a public, expressing myself through music! So, after a marathon of WEEDS and Modern Family I started to take things very seriously! I began forming a REPERTOIRE, mostly of Romanian Folklore and Traditional music, two genres I had never thought to perform! But this was my rope, remember the rope from my previous posts? If not, get your ass reading! So I knew I could have a chance with traditional music because our Romanian Community here in France is enlarging every day, and of course we get married here, we baptize our children here, we celebrate our anniversaries here, and it’s our custom to have live singers for our celebrations and I may say that there is quite a demand. Practically I knocked at some doors… literally… where I knew they collaborate with singers.. After some unopened doors from the French side, I began knocking at Romanian doors… and guess what… it opened… and this is how everything began… with one open door at a Romanian restaurant… and my intuition told me to knock at the best door, so I went straight to THE top Romanian restaurant in Paris… and apparently I was exactly what they needed 🙂 MAKTUB! Right person in the right place at the right moment! When it’s written to happen, it will happen!

You will never guess what happened. The more I began discovering my traditional Romanian music, the more I fell in love with this genre of music, a music that I had never had the patience to understand, the capacity of penetrating beneath its simple yet powerful lyrics. I knew I have reached that age of understanding life in a different manner. Our folklore speaks about that simple and happy life! It speaks of love, of nature, of faith… of a life surrounded by family, sharing all that God has given you.

One thing led to another and private parties turned into public shows, public shows into live concerts, from restaurants to theaters and even big open air scenes like Festival of Europe where I had the honor to represent Romania last Sunday (may 22nd). Let me put it this way… I haven’t had an weekend off since the beginning of the year – my official launch was for the NYE party 🙂

I really can’t describe you my big start. It’s only the beginning and I realize I’ve climbed my rope so high that I can see a lot from above. There is a hell of a way until I will reach the top, but I will get some day! The most important thing is that I grabbed my rope…and, boy…I’m holding to it like my life would depend on it!

Yes, it’s hard, and yes, you gotta do great sacrifices…and YES, they will try to pull you down…every single day! And you might get “bullied” and you might get hit, but like my old friend Rocky Balboa said… “it doesn’t matter how hard you hit, but how hard you can get hit and still go on…” Here’s to you, Balboa!

But you learn to deal with everything, as long as you keep your faith and self confidence. Nourish yourself with the positive sides and don’t even pay attention to negativity! Close your eyes in front of the evil and it will disappear. Open your heart for all the Good to come to you and your hungry soul will receive the light. Then follow that light and share it with the rest of the world!

Create your own circle of happiness! And happiness will always come back!








All my life I have waited to turn 27… I don’t know why I’ve always had this idea that 27 will bring a big change in my life…

At first, my fucked up mind thought it has something to do to with that creepy pattern of Jim Morisson, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse… but as 27 was approaching so fast, I’ve realized that I needed the fame and fortune to die in glory… And, clearly, that was not my case (please don’t laugh 🙂 )
So, I began thinking that something else is waiting for me at 27… but guess what what, 27 found me on a 14 hour long working day with the sole desire to sleep.

Short: I have been waiting something to fall out of the sky. And the only things that fell was a big slack over my head waking me up at reality!
What have I done to receive that big change? What big sacrifices have I made to deserve such a reward? How much sweat my self-discipline has poured?

I won’t be a liar and say 0 efforts, but trust me, the result is not that far away…at all!
Yes… 27 gave me the biggest lesson! You see, all my life I have taken everything for granted… talent, beauty, luck, chances, family… but you see… life gives you the lemons…but the lemonade can’t be done by itself. You have to take the lemons and squeeze them until the very last drop to make the best lemonade… by yourself! Always finding someone to do it for you… it’s not an option!

You must earn that lemonade with the price of your sweat, with the pain of your hands because of too much squeezing… I took too much for granted and now I’m realizing how difficult is to make lemonade by yourself! And if you don’t take advantage of lemons as long they are fresh and juicy… they will mold! And then the only option is to throw them away! Who likes molded lemons???
Think of the lemons as you think at your years of youth, of strength and don’t let your beauty get mold! And I’m talking about beauty in the largest way possible, from inside to outside! Take advantage of your most beautiful years and go conquer the world!

One day we will be too old, and there is nothing you can do to turn back time. Those years of youth when you can be the king of the world, will never be back! And, no, I’m not giving lectures to others…I give a lecture to me, in order to motivate myself to pursue all my dreams! (and so do you) And yes, even if it sounds silly… I do believe you should not stop following your dreams! And I will repeat myself until I, also, will get it!

Yes, life will put heavy obstacles… and yes, time will seem your biggest enemy and yes, you will feel like everything is put up against you… but… no, those are not signs to give up… those are challenges you have to pass through in order to achieve your goal! It’s like a job… you work, you have the money! You don’t work… you’ll be a homeless!
Simple as that! You want to lose weight… well, you have a fucking fight going on… Like the first day you go on detox, and your colleague return from holiday with a special cake, especially for you. A cake she has carried on her arms thousands of miles on her knees, in an airplane… in the car… on her way to work… just for you and she can’t wait to see how you will have that gastronomic orgasm while eating! What the fuck do you do??? Yes… life can play you well! And yes, I’m sure 99% would eat the cake, but… I want to be that 1% who stand still and not eat the cake!

So, here I am am… 27! And the biggest change I could have is to realize that without hard working nothing can be achieved and this is the most valuable lesson! You must feel the pain before enjoying the pleasure… Nothing is for free and nothing will lay at your feet just because you have an ounce of potential. That ounce of potential will grow only with tones of practice and hard working.

Yes, you’re tired everyday with the job, with the the daily chores, with kids and family, but somehow, time must be made to pursue your goals! If ain’t you who does that… no one will do it for you! When I realized it’s been more than a week and I haven’t write a single word, I felt something was missing in me… and I started complaining and blaming all the circumstances and everything except me. But, the truth is there is no one to blame but yourself. You will always have the time to do what you love… even if sometimes it requires to sacrifice something else… instead of spending one hour in Facebook or go for a 3h long marathon of Grey’s Anatomy, go out and do that jog, take those photographs at sunset, write those ideas you had in mind all day, go cook that delicious meal you saw in the magazine, read the book full of dust on your night shelf, write that CV you want to send, learn that new language you’ve been wanting for so long, draw that image that’s been haunting for you for so long, practice that new song… One hour per day just for your passion, multiply it by seven… and imagine what can be achieved in 7h per week, 30h a month… it’s huge…

And never think at failure… you will fail often and you fail maybe everyday, but the real courage is to not stop trying. Always think at tomorrow as another chance! And someday you will conquer! Enough of expecting everything from somewhere else but from you. Enough with the self pity and no remorse for the past… what is done, it’s done… what it matters is the future, and that’s your path to build! Waiting for things to happen is just a waste of time. Destiny is written by those who take their time to write it!

Step in that rhythm and dance as long as possible because, someday arthritis will leave your body numb and Alzheimer…dumb!

The Hammock Theory

 As I thought so, no news about him the boy from the previous post. I tried call the hospital but they won’t give me any information, so I hope he is still fighting for his life and I wish him well, wherever he is.

I was sure this would happen. This is it, life goes on… I did what I know best… write about… but my hands are tight… I can’t be Wonder Woman and save the world.

The things is I had a remark from someone that told me that my post can’t be viewed as “no to racism” because of my statements related to the differences between roumanian and rroms. As I replied, I think my post is very well entitled, because even though sometimes we are bothered by some some people, we can’t go doing our law by ourselves. I hate my neibgbors for slamming their doors. That doesn’t I go on punching them.

Life goes on as usual, time waits for nobody, so, my stories go on also, and today I was thinking about friendship.

Since I came to France, I haven’t managed to make myself new friends. Sometimes, you make acquaintances, you go out for a drink with a classmate or a colleague, but in the end, you come back home, and if you are constipated and after long hours of trying to get the demon out, your ass hurts you as hell because of that really spicy sauce you ate, you can’t call your classmate to tell him that.

You can’ become that intimate with someone you know for couple of months or a year or so. Friendship need time to grow. Here’s my Hammock Theory.

You have planted a tree, it’s a baby tree… Wood tree is still tender. He is young. He has no strength yet. You put another baby tree beside him. They are both young and fragile. And they share the sun together, they share the rain and the Earth and they live side by side, taking advantage of all the beautiful things the gardens has to offer them. Yes, they spend a lot of time with each other, they are there every day, but what can they do together? Can they share a little more than joyful atmosphere there in the garden?

Try put a hammock between them… will they support your weight? They can’t! Even if they really want, even if desire is there, sometimes the laws of physics and time just can’t allow the trees to support a hammock with someone in it. It is just too hard for them! They need more time to grow, they need to be powerful enough to support each other equally.

The same thing with two friends. Can you really call someone friend after just one small period of time? In my opinion, friends are just like trees, and the friendship between them is the weight of the hammock they can support together. No matter how rainy or windy and stormy the weather is, they will keep on supporting the weight! Because they have grown strong and they will be like that until they are cut down…

I miss my trees… and you don’t know how much you miss the oak trees until you try and share a hammock with a shrub. You can’t be confident in a shrub. Is can lean in any direction. It’s just the way it is. You just have to wait for the shrub to become an oak, and as you know… not all shrubs become an oak! Sometimes, they rest a shrub for their entire existence.

You must think well before tiding a hammock with someone. Sometimes, you just go with the flow, because you know you must have someone else at the other end to keep the hammock up in the air…  You mustn’t give up trying, you never know when the trunk starts to grow…

The forests are wide… keep on searching until that strong oak comes along… circumstances bring always new trees to be plant 🙂 

Feed your hungry soul!

Doing what you like and doing it right makes you happy. You feel fulfilled, you feel important, and you feel a joy that invades your whole body and spirit. Let me put it other way: it’s way more juicy than an orgasm!

For a long time I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, there were too many things I wanted to do, to experiment, but there is always something you love the most. It’s that one thing you could do at any hour, any moment of the day, anytime, anywhere, without feeling any shame, any constraints, anything. If you find that one thing that makes your heart bumps, than you find happiness. If you are happy with you when you do your thing, it means you’re happy! Appreciate if you have already found it! Oh, and the most important is to not caring if you make money out of it. If having benefits from it primes in your priorities, than it’s already a lost cause.

Money don’t bring happiness. So if you’ll do it for your soul’s pleasure, you will find happiness. In brief moments, maybe, not a state of mind. I do believe it’s impossible to be happy for ever and ever… maybe if you’re really nuts and hospitalized in a home and kept on drugs all day long. That’s also an option.. hmm, why didn’t I think of this earlier? that’s an option, also. So, getting back to the subject… love… well, think about when you spend time with family… and I mean your family, not in-laws or something. When you’re a child and you go on a park with your mother or learning to drive a car with your father. You feel joy. Just joy. I look at my daughter when we spent time toghether. She’s happy. I’am happy ’cause she’s happy. It’s a circle of love:) And there is no one paying you. You don’t earn money, but you are happy! There are precious moments in life that money can’t buy! I won’t speak about love between a man and a woman (or two men or two women, doesn’t matter), because there are moments when some do make money of that :)))

I talk about love. Real love. No interest love. “Moneyless” love. Doesn’t matter if it’s for a person, a passion, a dream, a state of mind, a place, a souvenir, a tv show (yes, there are tv shows that makes me happy… you don’t wanna know which one…. Ok, if u insist: I love The Young and The Restless, ok I said it! I fucking love Young and Restless. You wanna know why? Because it’s the only thing that still makes me travel to my childhood. Doesn’t matter where I am, if I watch Y&R, I feel as if I were home, in my room, back at my grandparents. Yes, I know, it’s stupid and boring, I care less for the story… it’s the principle. It’s still on air, I watch it since I was 9… it’s been almost 18 years since. I have just realize it’s been almost a year since I have watched an episode… I really miss that 🙂 So, doing what you love, means you’ll do it no matter what. Because you need it. You can’t live without, you can’t breathe without!

The bad thing is that we’re adaptable beings, and sometimes we are obliged to adjust to the new life’s condition and we learn to breathe artificially. This is not a good thing. It’s not natural. And like almost all artificial things, it begins at some point, to fail! This fall I call depression! Depending on the case, it can be a light one, a hidden one, a “on the edge kind of” one and the worst is that we crack. Even if we’re not conscientious of our fall, it does happen sometimes. The crack may have many faces from losing confidence, lack of communication, stressful moments, sadness (without any obvious cause), to even more bad stuff like addictions of any kind: pills, drugs, alcohol, men, women… and in the end we all die. Yes, just like that. You never know when it hits you! Sooner or later, it all ends… life ends without knowing why we lived. I’m not talking about meaning of life, even though I do believe each and every one of us is born with a specific role that will change the destiny of the entire humanity (or that was just me 🙂 ) just like the atoms who bump themselves creating a chain reaction).  

But what the fuck… why should we not take advantage of this beautiful gift called life?? Every day, every morning we wake up it’s another chance. Every time the sun rises it’s like chalkboard we have just cleaned and we start over! Just have the courage to admit what you love! I think the hardest thing to do is to admit your dream, your love, you…! Sometimes I am ashamed, I think I should let dreams be a night activity, but it’s wrong! Dreams are the first steps. I read somewhere that if u can see it (visualize it) we can do it! I try to tell myself: don’t be afraid to dream, dreams are free! Don’t believe that bullshit that waking up is the price we pay! Waking up is the chance I have to start doing it! There are people who don’t even have the chance to wake up the next morning! (Look at Schumy, alive in a senseless body). I am sure there are always ways and baby steps I can begin with!

For example, I like singing, singing makes me feel good, satisfied! I just need to open my mouth and sing, accompanied or a capella, doesn’t matter. Someone loves to draw, you just pick pen and paper and you draw. You like to act? You grab a play and you start acting, you find 2-3 dreamers like yourself and you start acting… at home, on the street, in a parking lot… anywhere the police won’t throw you away! Or better, you write your own one (wo)man show. The examples can go further and further… baby steps are always there…

I always questioned this expression with baby steps. Why do we call it baby steps? You know why? Because babies grow, they become strong and independent, eventually… and their steps will be big and powerful! I have realized that many times I dreamed about the fame and fortune! But life has its own ways to show you the path… Dream the passion and the satisfaction and maybe someday fame and fortune will arrive (or not).

The most important thing is to feed your soul. Your soul will become numb, paralyzed and will die eventually as anything else that needs to be nourished and it’s not! Feed your soul and you’ll be happy! If you are happy everyone around you will be happier! Even sex will be better after 15 or 20 years of relationship (when, almost all the time is practically… nonexistent). 

This is what they call this century…the stress…I call it hungry soul!                        

The simple things…

Sometimes I feel my life passing near me and I think I’m not doing something special to fulfill it. And today, when I woke up, I felt like one of those days when you want to do everything and in the end you do nothing. So I threw away my TO DO LIST for today. I didn’t save Africa from starving and I haven’t stop the floods in the Balkans like a freakin’ superhero but…Well, today turned out not so bad.. I took advantage of this day off and I felt goooood… I wrote, I created my page, I cooked a nice dinner for my family and we shared a moment together. 
Sometimes it’s all about the simple things:)


To be or not to be…? :)

When do you know how to act like a lady or …not? Diplomacy or street style? Should you turn your head for the second slap or should you raise the blade?

In my country it is said: The bent head, the sword won’t cut. It’s an universally convention that we should not lower ourselves and enter in polemics with persons inferior to us. It is said that silence is also an answer? But… is it, really??

I think there are times when your nerves are so stretched out that not even a whole bottle a Xanax could not calm you down. What do you do? You pull out your claws or do still go with civilized way? Remember, the battles are won by people who rest Zen, read some Sun Tzu 🙂

I believe there are two kinds of people. First, the really stupid ones, that no matter what you do or say, they will never understand it. They just don’t have the capabilities to process any information. They are so locked up in their stupid heads, that no one can release not even one neuron to function.

Second category: smart, intelligent people, with whom you really enjoy having a contradiction, a battle in arguments. For me, it’s always a pleasure, one of my guilty pleasures 🙂

But, there is also a third species, the most dangerous one. Capable enough to make the effort to respond, but widely stupid to have a good argument but insisting and taking action as their damaged brain commands. What do you do? Will you sit as an asshole without doing anything?

Sometimes is really good to let it all out!

And yes, sometimes you need to shut the fuck up! (when the situation requires it) I, for one, have a big mouth. And I might over talk sometimes. Then I regret for not keeping my mouth shut.(because sometimes I really do talk a lot, and I mean A LOT).

But most of the time you have to say what you think. It’s better to have it said that not saying it at all. It’s like the character of Valmont from Les Liasons Dangereuses by Choderlos de Laclos, or was it Iago from Othello, … doesn’t matter, it’s not mine the reflection, I’m just rewriting a famous quote that says something like “better hanged for tasting than drowned in desire” I have it written somewhere, I’ll look for it.

So, yes, I prefer to let it all out than continuing to hide. Time has come to step out behind the mask. I am what I am. Time has come to take it to another level. I won’ keep this my “before sleeping activity” and have it read only by my best friend.  It doesn’t serve for anything and it’s all in vain. I believe the next step would be to have the courage to reveal …me.

What the fuck is a life hidden behind the masks we wear every day? I sincerely believe that humanity would have so much to gain if you try to be… you. Sometimes I really feel that I lost myself between these different roles I played. The rebel girl, the party setter, the slutty teenager, the independent young woman, the artist, the non-conformist person, the romantic soul, the “I don’t give a fuck” kind of one, the cool young mom, the dominating wife, the sexy woman, the tortured artist, and I could go on like this… at least two days, and not mentioning an almost permanent “I know everything and I know best” shitty person. Oh, and forgetting, the “I’ll do everything to stand out, including very embarrassing stuff”. And I’m getting tired… I am really tired…

I have always tried to stand out of the crowd, to be original and different, but I have never tried to be… me! By wearing all these mask I have lost myself on the way. Who am I? What do I want?  These are the question that are haunting me every day. But I learned something: pretending to be someone else that you’re not can’t bring anything good.

As I begin to think now about my past experiences, I realize the more I tried to be original and extravagant in a copy paste way, the more I had seemed shallow and superficial. I now began to see that the best you to impress, and to make those around you listen to you, respect you and appreciate you…is by being you! Why? Because the ‘you mask” is the oldest you have and usually the more experience you have with one thing, the better you know it. The better you know it, the better you can control it. And if you really get in that point when you take control over yourself, you can do anything you put your mind to! You have the power to control your life and take the best decisions!

Maybe I have mentioned ti before, the story with my coordinating teacher at the university in Bucharest (while studying Film and Television)… the first lesson he taught us, was to write or speak about things we know best, real stories. The dirtiest diamond will be the shiniest! So, I talk about my stories, my emotions and my experiences. What could I know better than this and who could know me better than I do?

And, in the end, I’m proud of myself today. Today, I managed to be a lady, even if I did open my mouth and I did speak for myself. This is self-control. Trust me, one year ago, I would have used all the bad language vocabulary can provide and I would have made a scene to remember. It is not important the subject matter of the incident, it is the way I handled it. It could range from an argument with a driver or a hot discussion with the boss, it doesn’t matter. It matters that in the end you stood for you in an elegant way but firm enough to impose yourself! … I stood tall, and I did it my way 🙂/

Faith – part 2

Part 2

Well, I’m gonna be very short about our few weeks spent in Paris the first. Let’s just say we changed a couple of social hotels (my mom didn’t have the right to keep another two persons where she lived at the moment), we were the new comers in the European Union and our rights were pretty… nonexistent, so the chances to find a job were below 0.

After we spent all my mom’s and grandma’s economies, we had to go back home. Broke. In every possible way. Financially, spiritually, and so on. We had our whole lives in 2 suitcases that we moved from my husband’s mother to my grandparent’s and we finally settled in a small one room apartment in my home town. Honestly, I don’t have any fucking idea how we survived for three months. Fortunately, we raised money from all the members of our family to pay 2 months the rent and the third we left it hanged in the air when we decided to give it one more shot in Paris. This time my mom found us a 7 square meters room to live. Imagine the smallest room in the world with a mattress directly on the floor, a sink, a toilet (in the same room) and an improvised shower. Better said, we were living in bathroom which had a mattress on the floor. We tried to work on the black market with no papers and a shitty pay, but in the end, after 3 weeks we had to live again an unpaid week and go back to Romania, because there was no hope of surviving. To have a better view of the picture, let’s just say my husband had to stay awake in order to keep the rats away from me on the last night in Paris that we spent in a subway station! When I saw The pursuit of happiness, when Will Smith had to sleep with his son in the subway toilets, he had 5 stars conditions…:)

 This time I said, ok, Paris doesn’t want to adopt us! We must accept it and move on. Paris had thrown us away once again. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I left school the first time we went away. After one year and a half of university, I dropped out for the French dream. It’s not like I was mad about my school. I was doing something just to say I was in school. When I finished high school, my hopes were to be admitted at a film school. After the first rejection at low standard school I was so disappointed and I said I will never get in a good school, so why bother? I went to a private school just to say I was attending university!

Faith has made it possible to arrive in Romania just one day before the closing of inscriptions at the school were I always dreamed to get in. it was a Thursday morning when we arrived at my grandparents and I don’t ask me why I had the impulse to go online and check the dates of inscriptions. Friday was the last day and Monday the exams began. I packed my stuff, I went to my best friend in Bucharest, I didn’t sleep for three days and I got myself prepared for the admission exams. I didn’t tell my family about my plans. This time I didn’t want to play the drama queen role if I was to fail so I kept my mouth shut until I had the results.

The first day we had the written stuff. You can’t imagine how I felt when I met all the applicants. They were talking about film as if they had a 20 years career on their back. Directors and movies and stuff I had never heard in my life before. The terms and the language they used, their way of talking made me feel so small and dumb that they almost made me think to run away and drop everything out! But… I was thinking about the inscription fee I paid and they were my very last money I had so I said to myself… this is now or never.

And of course, because my life is a soap opera, guess what? It ended with a very happy end. I got it! I cried my eyes out. You could have left me without food and water and let me live underground or at the subway, nothing was more important than the fact that I was accepted! That was the day when I got it why Paris didn’t want me! He knew I had left unfinished business back in Romania. Even though I was indoctrinated with the Maktub (this is how it was written) stuff from the Paolo Coelho novel, The Alchemist, since I was 17, this time I was proven that everything happens to a reason. I can’ describe you the tragedy that it was for me to come back not once, but two times, back in Romania, after I bragged at all of my friends that I was going to move in Paris and then come back with my tail between my legs. Yeah… no comment 🙂

My four years of college will make the subject of another story, because they were too great to give them just the supporting role in today’s story. 

Conclusion: No matter how hard you try to escape your destiny, it will always get you back on track.

 Keep your mind open at everything that happens to you. The biggest tragedy is just one episode that leads you to the next greater step! Don’t let yourself disappointed by faith. Everything, and I mean everything happens for a reason. That superior force above us… it’s not resting. Someone once told me… Don’t try to force life, just let it follow its natural course. At that point I said he is just an asshole who didn’t want to take our relationship to the next level… as in… introducing me to his friends as his official girlfriend ( I was 16 and something) :), but you know what… he was so damn right 🙂

So, after exactly 4 years of school, I finally got to live my French dream! Faith has brought me back to Paris and this time was for good! What can I say, it was worth waiting 🙂

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” 
― Paulo CoelhoAlchemist