Tag Archives: friends

14 zile intensive. Ziua 7

#micdejun 2 felii paine #faragluten, unt de arahide si dulceata de afine #farazahar. Cel mai misto la aceste doua produse e ca sunt chiar naturale, fara indulcitori artificiali, in cazul dulcetei, doar fructoza din afine, evident.

#pranz supa de pui cu taietei de orez pe care mi-am luat-o ieri la pachet! Da, iau mereu la pachet, pentru ca mi se pare ca risipa de mancare chiar e bataie de joc contra naturii. Si am luat si jumatatea de portie curry cu pui a lu’ cumatra Diana Ionescu 🙂 Si cum lu’ Printi a mea ii era pofta de indian ca ar manca in fiecare zi curry, astazi, doar ce am trecut strada la Taj sa ne porcim cu niste sosulete.

#cina branza in sos de ceapa, legume picante si orez simplu.

La pranz am mancat o patratica, doar una, de ciocolata neagra #farazahar.

I’m half way there!! Yuhuuu🏋🏋🏋

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The Hammock Theory

 As I thought so, no news about him the boy from the previous post. I tried call the hospital but they won’t give me any information, so I hope he is still fighting for his life and I wish him well, wherever he is.

I was sure this would happen. This is it, life goes on… I did what I know best… write about… but my hands are tight… I can’t be Wonder Woman and save the world.

The things is I had a remark from someone that told me that my post can’t be viewed as “no to racism” because of my statements related to the differences between roumanian and rroms. As I replied, I think my post is very well entitled, because even though sometimes we are bothered by some some people, we can’t go doing our law by ourselves. I hate my neibgbors for slamming their doors. That doesn’t I go on punching them.

Life goes on as usual, time waits for nobody, so, my stories go on also, and today I was thinking about friendship.

Since I came to France, I haven’t managed to make myself new friends. Sometimes, you make acquaintances, you go out for a drink with a classmate or a colleague, but in the end, you come back home, and if you are constipated and after long hours of trying to get the demon out, your ass hurts you as hell because of that really spicy sauce you ate, you can’t call your classmate to tell him that.

You can’ become that intimate with someone you know for couple of months or a year or so. Friendship need time to grow. Here’s my Hammock Theory.

You have planted a tree, it’s a baby tree… Wood tree is still tender. He is young. He has no strength yet. You put another baby tree beside him. They are both young and fragile. And they share the sun together, they share the rain and the Earth and they live side by side, taking advantage of all the beautiful things the gardens has to offer them. Yes, they spend a lot of time with each other, they are there every day, but what can they do together? Can they share a little more than joyful atmosphere there in the garden?

Try put a hammock between them… will they support your weight? They can’t! Even if they really want, even if desire is there, sometimes the laws of physics and time just can’t allow the trees to support a hammock with someone in it. It is just too hard for them! They need more time to grow, they need to be powerful enough to support each other equally.

The same thing with two friends. Can you really call someone friend after just one small period of time? In my opinion, friends are just like trees, and the friendship between them is the weight of the hammock they can support together. No matter how rainy or windy and stormy the weather is, they will keep on supporting the weight! Because they have grown strong and they will be like that until they are cut down…

I miss my trees… and you don’t know how much you miss the oak trees until you try and share a hammock with a shrub. You can’t be confident in a shrub. Is can lean in any direction. It’s just the way it is. You just have to wait for the shrub to become an oak, and as you know… not all shrubs become an oak! Sometimes, they rest a shrub for their entire existence.

You must think well before tiding a hammock with someone. Sometimes, you just go with the flow, because you know you must have someone else at the other end to keep the hammock up in the air…  You mustn’t give up trying, you never know when the trunk starts to grow…

The forests are wide… keep on searching until that strong oak comes along… circumstances bring always new trees to be plant 🙂 


I miss doing nothing and I miss doing everything

2013-08-06 22.08.11My home sky

I don’t know if it’s my bipolarity I think I have or the fact that today marks 2 years in Paris, or the fact that once again I’m gonna change the house where I live, but I’m feelin’ melancholic. Geez, I go too easy when I say melancholic. I feel like throwing myself in front of the train. I miss home… I miss stability, I miss being sure about tomorrow. I miss those days when rent was a word out of my vocabulary… I miss doing nothing and I miss doing everything I want.

I miss those long summer nights and the smell of the Queen of the Night flower in my grandma’s balcony. I miss those long walks with my best friends until the sunrise was sayin’ hello. I miss layin’ in bed until noon and go swimming at night. I miss the smell of a homemade apple pie and a fresh lemonade. I miss the heat melting my heart and I miss my heart being hot. I miss chasing my dreams and running to catch the stars! I miss the taste of one real tomato and the salty old cheese. I miss the freedom of childhood and I miss skipping school just to hang around… I miss the way I thought about life and I miss how life taught me around. I miss my years I have lost and I miss the time I had to lose. I miss me and I miss them…

I miss the morning sun shining above my window and I miss taking a nap if my eyes were closing. I miss the joy of a Kinder Surprise and I miss the taste of stolen apples. I miss how easy life was and I miss how hard school seemed to be. I miss being there and I miss wishing to be here! I miss the Sunday meals when we were all together and I miss the days when we missed each other. I miss the cherry blossom scent around the block and I miss the odor of the freshly cut lawn…

I miss hide and seek and I miss not hiding from those who seek. I miss the games we used to play and I miss not playin’ someone else’s game. I miss believing in my dreams and I miss not stopping to dream. I miss the way I saw myself and I miss not hating the self today. I miss having the courage to jump and I miss not livin’ on the edge. I miss belonging somewhere and I miss not being everywhere. I miss when everything was possible and I miss not the impossible.

I miss doing nothing I miss doing everything…


08.01.2003

It’s Wednesday. I never thought this day could ever come. It’s seven in the morning. Even though it’s during school days, I convinced my mother to let me sleep over my best friend. I take a shower, I get dressed and we call a cab. My best friend she’s coming with me. She is always there, no matter what stupid things I do, she always stayed. I really must have done something right in my life to deserve such a friend.

When a get out of cab, it’s like I quit my real life and I walk into someone else’s. I just can’t believe that this is happening to me. And I have the impression that everyone is looking at me as they know what’s happening. I try not to look left or right, but straight ahead. I don’t have many choices. I try to keep my cool and my morals. Everything scares the shit out of me. I don’t know what to expect. I wanted to play the martyr and consider other options, but inside I knew there were too much at stake. I just can’t embarrass everyone. It’s not always about me… There are a lot of people around me that I need to consider, so once I made the decision, there’s no turning back. To be honest, I know I don’t have the courage to stand up for me. I know that I’m a coward. And I’ll always be. No matter how much I try to pretend I’m not, I’ll always be a coward who chooses the easy way.

I was here two days ago, I could still not believe this is really happening. As cliche as it sounds it is like a bad dream you can’t wake up from. I have waited for a miracle to happened, but guess what, in real life, miracles don’t exists. At least, not when you’re in need for one. I was obliged to make a decision, something, anything…

I check for my wallet. I have the money. This thing costs me a lot. Luckily, I’m surrounded by loaded friends. I went to a friend who has a crush on me and I just let it all out! No hidings. Pure truth. He stopped talking to me, and even looking at me, but, after all that…. he put his hand in the drawer and took out the cash. I know I let him down also. I’m gonna pay him back every cent.

I entered the building and from this moment on, I feel… as my mind is splitting from my body. My body becomes a robot. He has to do what he’s programmed to do and I sit quietly next to it and I watch. I try to open my mouth but I’m mute. I have no voice. As I try to get closer to… me, it’s like I’m actually going farther and farther. The feeling is strange. I want to react, but I can’t. I’m deaf, dumb and blind. When I get out of the elevator, there he is. He came. Monday we had a huge fight over this. But he came. He’s not an asshole. A bit selfish (as any scared teenager), but not an asshole. We’re young… we don’t have a clue about what’s expecting us. We take life as it is and sometimes we get hit. I don’t wanna talk to him. I don’t know what to say. He stays quiet also. My girlfriend is always right next to me… She doesn’t know what to say. This is too much for her. I get it. She is already doing the best possible. She is there. So, silence…

The lady we talked to on Monday, sees us and she comes telling me that everything is ready and we can begin. I start having things in my stomach like butterflies, only that they are more like bats or crows. I have to go in. I live them outside. They can’t come in. This time, I’m all alone.

Inside, they tell me I have to take my clothes off. I’m scared and ashamed. But I do it, as I can’t object. The lady, she is nice to me. She talks to me nice and slowly. She takes my hand and she tells me that everything is gonna be alright! She has a sweet voice and her eyes are soft and confident. I don’t have a choice but to believe her. She’s my only support. He, the fat man with very thick glasses, is very grumpy. For him, it’s routine stuff. He’s tired and rood. He talks to me as if I were the last girl on Earth. The lady gives me an anesthetics injection, but she knows I go straight to school so the dose is low. He doesn’t have the time to wait for the anesthetic to do his job (he has other businesses to do), so he starts right away.

His hands are cold. I felt pain from the very beginning. The second he put his finger on, I screamed. He is nothing gentle. He just doesn’t care about me. I’m just another one. He gets deeper and deeper and the pain is unbearable… I scream, I shout…… She is trying to make me shut up, but the pain… the feeling is beyond imaginations. I never thought you could feel so much pain. I want him to stop. I can’t take it any longer. She is holding my hand. She tries to calm me down, she talks to me, but I just want to have this done. It’s like all the bats and the crows are having a battle inside me, eating me alive, chopping my flesh, drinking my blood. They have like machetes and they cut me in little pieces.  Oh, God, forgive me… The whole room is spinning around, I’m drowning in tears and blood, drunk of this overdose of Bloody Mary weird mixed up! She tries to keep me still in order to let him finish as quickly as possible.

Everything inside me is broken. Including my soul. He’s finished. He takes his green bucket full of left overs and he stands out and he leaves me… empty. He’s like a butcher in his white rope… stained with blood. I see his name tag… and I know it’s not the first time when we meet. I know his name, I’ve heard it… it’s a small town… and I know… Fifteen years ago he guided me towards the light, when my mother gave birth to her only child… now, he brought darkness in my world. He takes is money and he leaves the room. The nurse is cleaning me and puts bandages. She tries to defend him… she knows obstetricians can be cruel sometimes…

She helps me get dressed and she tells me I should rest for a couple of hours in a bed before I leave the hospital. It was over. Finally over. The nurse gives permission for my friends to sit with me. My girlfriends says it’s been 15 minutes. I felt like 15 hours. There is no turning back now. All I have left is tears, but they won’t change anything. The pain has only started and it will stay there for a long time as in…forever..

But I’m still alive… I still have blood running through my veins. You would need the biggest artillery to kill me now. If I survived this, I will survive everything. From now on, I don’t give a fuck. I’ll go to hell, anyway, so why bother? What can be worse than deliberately kill your child?

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Many times I hear or see bad things that happen to other people. I see the really shitty news on TV or in the newspapers and I think that could never happen to me. When I was a little girl I thought I’m gonna be a virgin until at least eighteen and only slutty girls sleeps with their boyfriends when their fifteen. But things change, circumstances change and life doesn’t turns out the way I wanted. At fifteen I thought you can’t get pregnant by having just one time unprotected sex.It could not happen to me! But it did! All it took was only one time. One time of irresponsible behavior, only one time, one second that changed my entire life life… forever. Looking back, I know that this had speed up my process of maturity and growing up. Life made a live demonstration of how things can get out of hand and there is nothing you could do to… undo. Some actions you have no other choice but to accept them and move on. Once you made a decision, you have to be sure it was the right one. There are situations when you get stuck with the eternal question… what if? Unfortunately, I’ll never have the answer of what could have happened if I had taken the decision to keep the baby? Even though it ran through my mind to run away from home, I knew I didn’t have the balls to do it. Plus, my mind was always at my family. I don’t try to find myself an excuse. I just think at all the factors I had to take in consideration and at that time I thought this was the best thing to do? Would I do the same if I had the chance to change it? I don’t know… I don’t wanna be a hypocrite and say…yes, because I’m not sure…

Then, I thought, life can’t go any harder and there is no pain bigger than that but…

never say never…

I don’t know what was worse… the fact that I just had an abortion at fifteen or that my boyfriend and I couldn’t get through this… after a couple of months we broke up, leaving me with an emptiness I found hard to fill for many years. AT fifteen you can’t imagine that life actually is going to change and other stories will take place… I made a lot of stupid mistakes. I think I was a lot out of line. But I thank life and destiny because I had the opportunity to live those experiences. I do believe in teenage love and I do believe that we can never forget our first love. It is normal. It is your first real lesson of life! Love can also steal our heads and drive to do the most stupid things in the world and act as real assholes. And we always hurt ones we love the most. Those who are not close to us can’t be touched by our mistakes. They don’t care. The loved ones are the front line taking all the bullshit we throw. So, I have learned something that prepared me for the long term: always think… not twice, but ten times before doing something. At some point, life isn’t all about you.

For example, if you took the oath to marry someone, from that moment on you stopped thinking only at yourself. You have to think of your partner because he or she gave you its most valuable and most fragile fortune. Trust. If you brake that trust, you brake him/her. So, think as many times as possible before betraying that trust. Marriage can be tough, many times challenging, and sometimes it can even seem boring and dull, but if you wait for the other to make it all shiny and perfect, that won’t happen. It’s a work done by two. If I learned one think from all these challenging years, is that… it’s all up to me. It’s me who decides how my life will be. It’s me in charge of my own destiny. I make the choices. Not God, not anybody! I have the power to choose. And I choose life! And if I make it work I’ll try help others making it work.

Making mistakes is good! Doesn’t matter if you’re fifteen or fifty. Everyone is making mistakes. The aim is to try not to repeat them… so often:) Mistakes are experiments. The greatest inventors of this world have made things by experimenting all their lives. And one day they got it right. Our life is like finding a great fragrance. For that we start mixing up lots and lots of elements, hoping that one day we’ll be enjoying the victory perfume! Oh, and how many days and nights have we lost and how many bottles have we broken, and the mess we’ve made to arrive here… it was a long way… but today we smell victory!! Today I smell Victory! Because I’ve taken over control over my life. It’s me who decides. I’m the CEO of my life and I can decide which way I turn the boat! I’m the captain: Set sail and fly away ‘cause baby I fuckin’ love this journey!!! And I’m only getting started!

…to the bitter end! /


Confidence!

It is said that a really ugly woman walks in to a room full of people and she feels confident and beautiful, then everybody will see her like that! What’s the logic in this? Well, none… you might say. But I think that’s a subject that has nothing to do with logic… but with energy. Well, I as I posted in my New Year resolutions, I want to lose weight. That’s means I’m no fucking Cindy Crawford. Let’s just say that I’m a bit rubensian (as in Rubens’ paintings with curvy women).

Oh, what a fuck… I’m fat! For today standards!!! That is the true! My BMI is much higher than it should be! But I manage to dress up and fool the eye with at least 10 kg! Some say I’m damn sexy, some would really want to fuck me (especially the middle aged) but unfortunately the truth is I’m a bit plus sized, I get tired easily and I have a history of diabetes in the family so, losing weight would not be such a bad thing and I’m sure I could be more fuckable. Even though I was skinny and all that shit, some said that my charm was lost also along with the kg. Ok, too much bla bla bla, the point is something else.  I’m sure you all have read about self-confidence and its results. Really, I thought that’s the biggest bullshit ever! But guess what? It’s not! Yeah, the shit really works!

As a plus size girl, getting dress every morning can be a real mission impossible 137. There are days when I love myself. I’m dressed 5*, nice and clean makeup, pretty hair, I feel thin and sexy and all they long I hear how beautiful I am and not only from the guys, chicks also. I had once female client. Not a regular, just from time to time. She comes in and she begins to stare at me.

She tells me what she wants, and she continues to stare at me.

So, she stares and she smiles…and she tells me: “You are very beautiful. Honestly! And don’t take it wrong, I’m not gay or anything.” We started to laugh, she thank me, end of story! So, you see, when your confident, when you feel beautiful, even people who surround you start to look at you this way. But, in the same time, there is always the vice versa. You can be buried in gold and silver, have only designers’ clothes on you and wear Jimmy Choo, if you don’t like, others we’ll see it! And even the stylist of all stylist comes to you and dresses you up, if you don’t feel good, you won’t look good. And that’s a fact. I don’t speak from books, or sites, I speak from my own experience. If I feel sexy, everyone around me sees me sexy and I get a lot of compliments, I feel good and I have a great day. Everything starts in the morning with what I’m wearing and how my hair and makeup are done. And I kick ass! If I feel that the jeans I put on make my but look fat, I think of that aspect all day long, I can’t concentrate on my work, I get depressed and I have a shitty day!

Conclusion: look your best day and feel good! How? Be being how you like it! If you like that old pair of jean from high school ( I know it’s impossible to believe that there is anyone who could fit, but trust me, I know couple of persons, so, yeah… not a myth  ), then wear it! Your tastes are not on the same page with today’s trends? Fuck them! Trend is what fits you, not some photoshoped models. There are some years when they say blue it’s the color. I hate blue! What should I do? Wear blue just because is the new trend?? Fuck it! Fuck it all! Stand up! Wear a big pooh on your head if that suits you and you think is the best for you! Think logical… what can go wrong if you let yourself be the way you want it??

Let’s see… family? Most families accept their members as they are, even if sometimes parents have difficulties in accepting piercings or tattoos, but I haven’t seen anybody kicked out because of a tattoo. I see emo type of kids who are living under their parent’s roof. So, even if they don’t like your style, they have to go along. If you’re under 18, they are even obliged…by the law. If you’re older, than you supposed to move out or go away to college. If you still live with your parents, I’m pretty sure you are not the type of a “stand out” style, and in that case that’s a…win-win situation! Good!

Next… friends! Well, with friends I have a really nice story to tell. It is not about weight or shit like that. It’s way deeper! It’s not my story, but the morale of it can be helpful. So, I have a client, she’s a neighbor who comes in every day to have her coffee with her best friends. She’s in her late 60s I believe. A retired painting restoration artist and one of the most optimistic person I have known. I started to discover her story, step by step. During summer she came in every afternoon to chat with me, as her best friend went on a holiday, so, I believe she needed to continue her habit to have a chat with someone every day! I loved listening, she loved talking, so we made a good team! I didn’t know anything about her or her life, but I was intrigued every time she was telling me that she has to go see her son at the hospital. She was telling me that as if I knew the whole story. I was working there for about 2 months, so, knowing the neighborhood was at its beginning. I knew nothing at all… There were times when she was telling me that she’s too tired that day so she’ll go another day. I was thinking what the fuck is wrong with her. When your son is in the hospital, you go every day! You sleep there if you have too. Always in a good move, always with a big smile on her face, no worries at all, so what on earth is happening here? Then, one day she tells me something that I didn’t understand right away. She said that her son helped her clean out her friends! This sentence blurred me even more. What was she saying with this? What could that means?

So, days went by… I was hearing a lot of her childhood stories, like always, in a good mood, and I was still curious about her son. And, suddenly, one day, I found out. Her son was paralyzed practically since he was born and not able to talk, because of a virus he got from the hospital. He stayed with her until teenage years but afterwards it became so difficult for her to take care of him, as she was getting older, he was getting bigger… so she decides to put him in a special institution. And she told me that most of her friends, or better said, so called friends, they couldn’t accept the idea of a handicapped child, so little by little they got farther and farther. She had the support of just a few friends and she still has it. She told me that raising a handicapped child was not what the easiest thing in the world. Being her only child, makes things even worse. I can only imagine the sufferance and the pain she has gone through. And with all that, she tells me that her son was the best thing that could ever happened to her. Why? Because she saw who she could count on, she realized who her friends were. It mustn’t be forgotten the circle she was in to. The artist world can be beautiful, but sometimes hypocrisy is an artist middle name.

And to finish this story, I just found out a couple of days ago the entire history. So, she was never married, she never wanted children (that’s a habit among solitary artists, so I’m not surprised) and at the age of 43 she fell in love with an orchestra chef, she got pregnant and she decides to keep the child for her lover. So, she goes over her principles of not having children for him, even though having a child 43 is quite risky. They don’t get married for the moment waiting the child to be born. And when the love find out his child has a problem, he took off, leaving her alone with a sick child. So, I can easily assume what kind of man he was. Better off without him! But she did not gave up. She could have institutionalized her son, and continue her life. But she hasn’t done that. She kept her moral and her strength and she continued her life with all the stuff in it. I hope someone else find this as interesting as I do.

So, my point was… being you, as you really are can help you clean out your closet of friends. I’m not referring only to style or clothes or your favorite music, I’m talking about everything. I’m talking about not being ashamed of talking to your friends about your dreams, silly as they sound, burst down in tears at the end of a movie without pretending (in a very obvious way) that you got something in your eye, or even admitting that you jerk off in the shower from time to time (even though I think your best friend doesn’t really want to know this particular and intimate detail).

You know, many times we read on line, mostly on Facebook, amazing stories about amazing people. But I, personally, always believed there is some fiction in it. But, the truth is, there are amazing people on this world. And they really do amazing things. And they have the strength to carry on, real strength! We see movies, we read books, we see on line, but that doesn’t touch us as much as when we hear a real story from the person in front of us! I always was a movie passionate, so character’s life seemed so impressive that I thought that could not happen in real life. But you know what? Real life beats all the movies in the world. I have so many stories in my mind right now, that I won’t know what to start with tomorrow. My own stories, my family stories, my friends’ stories, my clients’ stories and above all, the story I live every day.  And this is want I want to write about! Life!

So, I covered up friends and family… that leaves us with society! Yeah… I would like to say now, fuck society, who gives a shit on society? But I’m no hypocrite… As much as I want to ignore society and be a rebel… I can’t… actually, I care more about society than I would like to, but that’s another story and tomorrow is another day! /