Tag Archives: destiny

I’m ALIVE!

Yes, I am alive!

Indeed, I am alive, maybe for the first time in life I really feel alive! It’s been a looong time since I’ve felt the need to write down my thoughts, but as I had stated in the first place, writing was my auto- therapy. Let’s say I haven’t felt the need for therapy for the past few months… like…since …last September, I think…

Maybe you wonder why! I’ll tell but not right away because so many thing have happened in my life that I don’t even know how to start. Remember my summertime? Well, I think you do, since it’s been my best viewed post 🙂 That gave me a lot of confidence, my great summertime and all the changes that came after that.

Ok, I’m not gonna push your patience: I became a singer! A payed one! A real one! Like in….people pay me to sing for them!! With real money, not monopoly money nor invisible money! People actually pay ME to sing for them! Hope the IRS doesn’t read this :)))))) ( dear IRS, I dream a lot, don’t take me serious) :))))

It all started with a desire! MY DESIRE! the desire to do what I want, to be in front of a public, expressing myself through music! So, after a marathon of WEEDS and Modern Family I started to take things very seriously! I began forming a REPERTOIRE, mostly of Romanian Folklore and Traditional music, two genres I had never thought to perform! But this was my rope, remember the rope from my previous posts? If not, get your ass reading! So I knew I could have a chance with traditional music because our Romanian Community here in France is enlarging every day, and of course we get married here, we baptize our children here, we celebrate our anniversaries here, and it’s our custom to have live singers for our celebrations and I may say that there is quite a demand. Practically I knocked at some doors… literally… where I knew they collaborate with singers.. After some unopened doors from the French side, I began knocking at Romanian doors… and guess what… it opened… and this is how everything began… with one open door at a Romanian restaurant… and my intuition told me to knock at the best door, so I went straight to THE top Romanian restaurant in Paris… and apparently I was exactly what they needed 🙂 MAKTUB! Right person in the right place at the right moment! When it’s written to happen, it will happen!

You will never guess what happened. The more I began discovering my traditional Romanian music, the more I fell in love with this genre of music, a music that I had never had the patience to understand, the capacity of penetrating beneath its simple yet powerful lyrics. I knew I have reached that age of understanding life in a different manner. Our folklore speaks about that simple and happy life! It speaks of love, of nature, of faith… of a life surrounded by family, sharing all that God has given you.

One thing led to another and private parties turned into public shows, public shows into live concerts, from restaurants to theaters and even big open air scenes like Festival of Europe where I had the honor to represent Romania last Sunday (may 22nd). Let me put it this way… I haven’t had an weekend off since the beginning of the year – my official launch was for the NYE party 🙂

I really can’t describe you my big start. It’s only the beginning and I realize I’ve climbed my rope so high that I can see a lot from above. There is a hell of a way until I will reach the top, but I will get some day! The most important thing is that I grabbed my rope…and, boy…I’m holding to it like my life would depend on it!

Yes, it’s hard, and yes, you gotta do great sacrifices…and YES, they will try to pull you down…every single day! And you might get “bullied” and you might get hit, but like my old friend Rocky Balboa said… “it doesn’t matter how hard you hit, but how hard you can get hit and still go on…” Here’s to you, Balboa!

But you learn to deal with everything, as long as you keep your faith and self confidence. Nourish yourself with the positive sides and don’t even pay attention to negativity! Close your eyes in front of the evil and it will disappear. Open your heart for all the Good to come to you and your hungry soul will receive the light. Then follow that light and share it with the rest of the world!

Create your own circle of happiness! And happiness will always come back!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

 

 

 

 

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27

All my life I have waited to turn 27… I don’t know why I’ve always had this idea that 27 will bring a big change in my life…

At first, my fucked up mind thought it has something to do to with that creepy pattern of Jim Morisson, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse… but as 27 was approaching so fast, I’ve realized that I needed the fame and fortune to die in glory… And, clearly, that was not my case (please don’t laugh 🙂 )
So, I began thinking that something else is waiting for me at 27… but guess what what, 27 found me on a 14 hour long working day with the sole desire to sleep.

Short: I have been waiting something to fall out of the sky. And the only things that fell was a big slack over my head waking me up at reality!
What have I done to receive that big change? What big sacrifices have I made to deserve such a reward? How much sweat my self-discipline has poured?

I won’t be a liar and say 0 efforts, but trust me, the result is not that far away…at all!
Yes… 27 gave me the biggest lesson! You see, all my life I have taken everything for granted… talent, beauty, luck, chances, family… but you see… life gives you the lemons…but the lemonade can’t be done by itself. You have to take the lemons and squeeze them until the very last drop to make the best lemonade… by yourself! Always finding someone to do it for you… it’s not an option!

You must earn that lemonade with the price of your sweat, with the pain of your hands because of too much squeezing… I took too much for granted and now I’m realizing how difficult is to make lemonade by yourself! And if you don’t take advantage of lemons as long they are fresh and juicy… they will mold! And then the only option is to throw them away! Who likes molded lemons???
Think of the lemons as you think at your years of youth, of strength and don’t let your beauty get mold! And I’m talking about beauty in the largest way possible, from inside to outside! Take advantage of your most beautiful years and go conquer the world!

One day we will be too old, and there is nothing you can do to turn back time. Those years of youth when you can be the king of the world, will never be back! And, no, I’m not giving lectures to others…I give a lecture to me, in order to motivate myself to pursue all my dreams! (and so do you) And yes, even if it sounds silly… I do believe you should not stop following your dreams! And I will repeat myself until I, also, will get it!

Yes, life will put heavy obstacles… and yes, time will seem your biggest enemy and yes, you will feel like everything is put up against you… but… no, those are not signs to give up… those are challenges you have to pass through in order to achieve your goal! It’s like a job… you work, you have the money! You don’t work… you’ll be a homeless!
Simple as that! You want to lose weight… well, you have a fucking fight going on… Like the first day you go on detox, and your colleague return from holiday with a special cake, especially for you. A cake she has carried on her arms thousands of miles on her knees, in an airplane… in the car… on her way to work… just for you and she can’t wait to see how you will have that gastronomic orgasm while eating! What the fuck do you do??? Yes… life can play you well! And yes, I’m sure 99% would eat the cake, but… I want to be that 1% who stand still and not eat the cake!

So, here I am am… 27! And the biggest change I could have is to realize that without hard working nothing can be achieved and this is the most valuable lesson! You must feel the pain before enjoying the pleasure… Nothing is for free and nothing will lay at your feet just because you have an ounce of potential. That ounce of potential will grow only with tones of practice and hard working.

Yes, you’re tired everyday with the job, with the the daily chores, with kids and family, but somehow, time must be made to pursue your goals! If ain’t you who does that… no one will do it for you! When I realized it’s been more than a week and I haven’t write a single word, I felt something was missing in me… and I started complaining and blaming all the circumstances and everything except me. But, the truth is there is no one to blame but yourself. You will always have the time to do what you love… even if sometimes it requires to sacrifice something else… instead of spending one hour in Facebook or go for a 3h long marathon of Grey’s Anatomy, go out and do that jog, take those photographs at sunset, write those ideas you had in mind all day, go cook that delicious meal you saw in the magazine, read the book full of dust on your night shelf, write that CV you want to send, learn that new language you’ve been wanting for so long, draw that image that’s been haunting for you for so long, practice that new song… One hour per day just for your passion, multiply it by seven… and imagine what can be achieved in 7h per week, 30h a month… it’s huge…

And never think at failure… you will fail often and you fail maybe everyday, but the real courage is to not stop trying. Always think at tomorrow as another chance! And someday you will conquer! Enough of expecting everything from somewhere else but from you. Enough with the self pity and no remorse for the past… what is done, it’s done… what it matters is the future, and that’s your path to build! Waiting for things to happen is just a waste of time. Destiny is written by those who take their time to write it!

Step in that rhythm and dance as long as possible because, someday arthritis will leave your body numb and Alzheimer…dumb!


Roots

As I stated it before… you always appreciate what you have/had after you lose it. I used the two forms of present and past tense because sometimes you can’t take back what you have lost, sometimes you can’t click “undo”.

As I’m sitting in my old room back in my hometown (where I’m spending my brief Easter Holidays), I can’t stop thinking of all the things I’ve lived here. It’s hard having to know you are thousands of miles away from home, away from family and friends, away from the places so close to your heart and mind.

There’s not a day that goes by, without me thinking of how my life would had been if I was still here. This is the place where my grandfather told me hundreds of bedtime stories, stimulating my mind and my imagination, where he taught me how  to read and write, this is where he opened my gates to the universe. He gave the most precious gift: the thirst of knowledge. This is where I’ve first learned that life is made of changes which we are obliged to accept when I cried for leaving kindergarten to go to school. Here, I felt the first butterflies in my stomach when I had my first kiss and here I have drowned myself in tears when I had my heart broken for the first time! It’s here where there are the persons most sacred to me who have raised me and the mirrors where I have watched myself grown. This is where I was born and these are my roots.

Can you tell me if there is any possible way to forget your roots? Can distance cut out your roots? We know roots go deep… they disperse in width and length… but what do you do when there are so tightened and the pressure is so high? Like an elastic band that you keep trying to enlarge… and you keep trying… and you pull harder and harder… you know the elastic band is strong… it can’t brake… but it becomes thinner and thinner with every pull… you can’t let go, even if you know the tension gets higher and higher… you know that if one end will give up, the other end will get hurt…

I’m afraid to let go of my end… even though the tension and the pressure is high, the feeling that I belong somewhere is keeping my head sane. I need to feel that I belong somewhere. I need my roots. I need to know that I have one place where I can always return and feel safe no matter what. That’s why home is irreplaceable.

When I first left home for the Big City, at 17, I thought I was gonna live in Paradise. No one to control me, no one to tell me when should I get home, no one to tell me what to wear, no one to go talk to the teachers, no one to wait for me at 5 a.m. in the morning threatening me never to go out again, no one to tell me clean my room, no one to push me eat my soup… but instead… there was no one to care for me, no one to guide me, no one to advise me, no one to convince the teacher that I was skipping school because I was sick (and not that I was gone in vacation), no one to make me a tea at 5 a.m. in the morning when I was sick, no one to help me clean my room, no one to wait for me with a hot soup.

The illusion of freedom was fading fast as I was trying to cut out my roots, intentionally. Freedom comes with responsibilities, as the basis of democracy states. That is way you need way more time to be well cooked before we set out to go on your own. How do you know you’re ready to take off? When it’s the hardest thing to do! When you realize how much you will miss your nest!

Years have passed and destiny wanted me to go farther and farther… and I left in search of my destiny. I know it’s out there, that’s why it’s called destiny, it’s a sure thing you will find it someday… but I think the search is the greatest gift of all. The adventure, the unknown, the thrill of a new clue, the hopes and dreams, the failures and the dead ends, the new routes to discover and the thousands of possibilities. And the strengths comes from your roots. That keeps me strong. Sometimes I feel them like the rubber band that keeps putting pressure on me, but sometimes there are like the wooden roots of an old oak tree supporting all my weight! My roots are my spinal cord. You can’t live without your spinal cord to support you. Once broken, you’ve lost your stability. You lose yourself. 

My roots are my inspiration, my background, my past, they have made who I am today and they keep growing to support the woman of tomorrow.


Feed your hungry soul!

Doing what you like and doing it right makes you happy. You feel fulfilled, you feel important, and you feel a joy that invades your whole body and spirit. Let me put it other way: it’s way more juicy than an orgasm!

For a long time I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, there were too many things I wanted to do, to experiment, but there is always something you love the most. It’s that one thing you could do at any hour, any moment of the day, anytime, anywhere, without feeling any shame, any constraints, anything. If you find that one thing that makes your heart bumps, than you find happiness. If you are happy with you when you do your thing, it means you’re happy! Appreciate if you have already found it! Oh, and the most important is to not caring if you make money out of it. If having benefits from it primes in your priorities, than it’s already a lost cause.

Money don’t bring happiness. So if you’ll do it for your soul’s pleasure, you will find happiness. In brief moments, maybe, not a state of mind. I do believe it’s impossible to be happy for ever and ever… maybe if you’re really nuts and hospitalized in a home and kept on drugs all day long. That’s also an option.. hmm, why didn’t I think of this earlier? that’s an option, also. So, getting back to the subject… love… well, think about when you spend time with family… and I mean your family, not in-laws or something. When you’re a child and you go on a park with your mother or learning to drive a car with your father. You feel joy. Just joy. I look at my daughter when we spent time toghether. She’s happy. I’am happy ’cause she’s happy. It’s a circle of love:) And there is no one paying you. You don’t earn money, but you are happy! There are precious moments in life that money can’t buy! I won’t speak about love between a man and a woman (or two men or two women, doesn’t matter), because there are moments when some do make money of that :)))

I talk about love. Real love. No interest love. “Moneyless” love. Doesn’t matter if it’s for a person, a passion, a dream, a state of mind, a place, a souvenir, a tv show (yes, there are tv shows that makes me happy… you don’t wanna know which one…. Ok, if u insist: I love The Young and The Restless, ok I said it! I fucking love Young and Restless. You wanna know why? Because it’s the only thing that still makes me travel to my childhood. Doesn’t matter where I am, if I watch Y&R, I feel as if I were home, in my room, back at my grandparents. Yes, I know, it’s stupid and boring, I care less for the story… it’s the principle. It’s still on air, I watch it since I was 9… it’s been almost 18 years since. I have just realize it’s been almost a year since I have watched an episode… I really miss that 🙂 So, doing what you love, means you’ll do it no matter what. Because you need it. You can’t live without, you can’t breathe without!

The bad thing is that we’re adaptable beings, and sometimes we are obliged to adjust to the new life’s condition and we learn to breathe artificially. This is not a good thing. It’s not natural. And like almost all artificial things, it begins at some point, to fail! This fall I call depression! Depending on the case, it can be a light one, a hidden one, a “on the edge kind of” one and the worst is that we crack. Even if we’re not conscientious of our fall, it does happen sometimes. The crack may have many faces from losing confidence, lack of communication, stressful moments, sadness (without any obvious cause), to even more bad stuff like addictions of any kind: pills, drugs, alcohol, men, women… and in the end we all die. Yes, just like that. You never know when it hits you! Sooner or later, it all ends… life ends without knowing why we lived. I’m not talking about meaning of life, even though I do believe each and every one of us is born with a specific role that will change the destiny of the entire humanity (or that was just me 🙂 ) just like the atoms who bump themselves creating a chain reaction).  

But what the fuck… why should we not take advantage of this beautiful gift called life?? Every day, every morning we wake up it’s another chance. Every time the sun rises it’s like chalkboard we have just cleaned and we start over! Just have the courage to admit what you love! I think the hardest thing to do is to admit your dream, your love, you…! Sometimes I am ashamed, I think I should let dreams be a night activity, but it’s wrong! Dreams are the first steps. I read somewhere that if u can see it (visualize it) we can do it! I try to tell myself: don’t be afraid to dream, dreams are free! Don’t believe that bullshit that waking up is the price we pay! Waking up is the chance I have to start doing it! There are people who don’t even have the chance to wake up the next morning! (Look at Schumy, alive in a senseless body). I am sure there are always ways and baby steps I can begin with!

For example, I like singing, singing makes me feel good, satisfied! I just need to open my mouth and sing, accompanied or a capella, doesn’t matter. Someone loves to draw, you just pick pen and paper and you draw. You like to act? You grab a play and you start acting, you find 2-3 dreamers like yourself and you start acting… at home, on the street, in a parking lot… anywhere the police won’t throw you away! Or better, you write your own one (wo)man show. The examples can go further and further… baby steps are always there…

I always questioned this expression with baby steps. Why do we call it baby steps? You know why? Because babies grow, they become strong and independent, eventually… and their steps will be big and powerful! I have realized that many times I dreamed about the fame and fortune! But life has its own ways to show you the path… Dream the passion and the satisfaction and maybe someday fame and fortune will arrive (or not).

The most important thing is to feed your soul. Your soul will become numb, paralyzed and will die eventually as anything else that needs to be nourished and it’s not! Feed your soul and you’ll be happy! If you are happy everyone around you will be happier! Even sex will be better after 15 or 20 years of relationship (when, almost all the time is practically… nonexistent). 

This is what they call this century…the stress…I call it hungry soul!                        


My game, my rules!

So, I had planned for today the next post I’ve written in chronological order but you know, sometimes things don’t go as you plan. There are events, unexpected events that can turn your world upside down.

When you think you have everything under control that’s when faith strikes you with the unexpected! But that’s nothing to be afraid of! in our genes as human beings is written this feature that makes us feel fear of the unknown. We have this weird desire to know everything in advance and the tendency to plan each second of our lives (at least most us, I really hope there are a few species left who are trying to make a difference in the human kind, or else we are doomed 🙂 ). So, when something intervenes we sometime panic. We panic when we pass a quick quiz at school, we panic when mom or dad comes home in the middle of the day and they find us at home, skipping school and smoking on the balcony with a bunch of other kids, we panic when we find out that our parents get a divorce, we panic when we see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test- which was not in the plan ( it’s valid for both girls and boys) and we panic when we get to be all alone for the first time with that little human being… the kid!

What can be more natural and ordinary and in the same time the most frightful and the scariest thing in the world than having a baby? Maybe there are those super parents who know everything and nothing can scare them and they are the perfect ones with the perfect child.

Even if you’re a man or a woman, there are almost the same things involved (except one little detail such as giving birth). Basically, becoming a parent changes your entire life. Whether you like or not, you become responsible. It is said that every great power come with a greater responsibility. I believe conceiving a child is the world’s greatest technology.

Creating a new life is the only thing that takes us closer to a god (and god is written with a lower case because I’m referring  to a common noun that represents a power or a energy that rules this entire Universe). Creating a life from basically a few milligrams of sperm projected inside of a woman’s womb is more than my mind can process:) And all the living mammal creatures own this great power. But this power comes with great responsibility. Unfortunately, some skip this chapter.

I know… you had other plans. You haven’t finished college, you still live in a rental, you don’t have enough money, you don’t have a car, you have no family close to you to help you… you just got married or you are in a relationship that still has points to work out and a baby is just not in your plans! What can you possibly offer to a child? You don’t know anything about children and your friends’ children are not your thing. You know nothing about children and you don’t see yourself as a parent in the next 4-5 years which are so far away and you think by the time you’ll have 10 apartments, 5 cars, 2 yachts and loads of money and then you’ll be able to raise a child. And this is the tendency that  most of us have.

No one knows before what will come after:)

But you know what? Everything happens with a purpose, and the reasons are always positive!

Happy Birthday my little one:)

Today was my daughter’s anniversary so she will be always the only reason for which I change the route!