Today I hate myself. I hate that I’m so weak. I feel like a cockroach. Today I have failed. Why can’t I be strong and ambitious and do what I deserve?
There were times when nothing could stop me! I remember the days when ambition was my middle name. What can I do to find that strength again? I’m ready to admit that I am a food slave and a sugar addict. I weight ….. a lot…and I’m just 26 years old! I know I need help but I really don’t know where to ask! Everything is about money today! Everybody pretends to help you, but I don’t think there is someone really out there who is doing this just for the desire to help others. And for the love of God… I WORK IN A PASTRY SHOP!!! I feel like a coward! I know I’m a coward. I try to think at all the famous failures in the world and how Oprah Winfrey was fired from television because the producers thought she doesn’t fit for TV. And, look at her now… she did pretty well, I may say!
Is it such a big sin being oversized? Should we all be in our perfect size? What is the perfect size? When was the BMI invented? Who said that being thin is the standard beauty? Why should we follow the crowd??
I sincerely admire oversized models…
Normally, this post ended here… when I wrote it… about 3 months ago… but today I feel the need to continue because the purpose is here to come. My dear best friend advised me with a book to read, it is called Steal like an Artist , by Austin Kleon. Wonderful book, I recommend it also. In less than one hour you can finish it. I won’t talk about the book, but I will mention a piece of advice which the author insists on: google everything! from questions, to dreams, from frustrations to ideas, everything… google it! Chances are there a lot of people out there who questions the same things as you do. The thing is I was already googling everything before I read the book to see if someone else is as fucked up as I am. Guess what? 🙂 there are a lot of fucked up people out there:)
My point? I began reading other people stories, I began listening other people stories and I began to see the real stories behind the fake people. There is no one out there living without any frustrations. We are not perfect (and even if some try so hard to pretend they are, you can’t even imagine how conscious they are about their imperfections). Each and everyone of us has those tiny little creatures living in our brains making us go mad sometimes. And the feeling that I was not the only one (yeah, at some point, I thought of myself as the Messiah on Earth), made feel better. Actually, this was the main reason I decided to publish my writings… because sometimes, the courage to let it all out, might inspire someone else. I got inspired by so many stories that I wanted to give something back… Thanks to so many persons that had the courage to release their demons, my confidence starts to gain weight and my body to lose it. And even when things go rough, I learned that gaining 2 pounds it’s not the end of the world. Not being all stressed out, way less tension in my body, my mind is free of dark thoughts (I’m not saying that I have a whole week without a depression day, but it’s a difference than having all days, black days), and the most important thing… less time spent to choose my clothes in the morning:)))) and … time is money:))))
Hasta la vista, baby:)