beingroma

08.01.2003

It’s Wednesday. I never thought this day could ever come. It’s seven in the morning. Even though it’s during school days, I convinced my mother to let me sleep over my best friend. I take a shower, I get dressed and we call a cab. My best friend she’s coming with me. She is always there, no matter what stupid things I do, she always stayed. I really must have done something right in my life to deserve such a friend.

When a get out of cab, it’s like I quit my real life and I walk into someone else’s. I just can’t believe that this is happening to me. And I have the impression that everyone is looking at me as they know what’s happening. I try not to look left or right, but straight ahead. I don’t have many choices. I try to keep my cool and my morals. Everything scares the shit out of me. I don’t know what to expect. I wanted to play the martyr and consider other options, but inside I knew there were too much at stake. I just can’t embarrass everyone. It’s not always about me… There are a lot of people around me that I need to consider, so once I made the decision, there’s no turning back. To be honest, I know I don’t have the courage to stand up for me. I know that I’m a coward. And I’ll always be. No matter how much I try to pretend I’m not, I’ll always be a coward who chooses the easy way.

I was here two days ago, I could still not believe this is really happening. As cliche as it sounds it is like a bad dream you can’t wake up from. I have waited for a miracle to happened, but guess what, in real life, miracles don’t exists. At least, not when you’re in need for one. I was obliged to make a decision, something, anything…

I check for my wallet. I have the money. This thing costs me a lot. Luckily, I’m surrounded by loaded friends. I went to a friend who has a crush on me and I just let it all out! No hidings. Pure truth. He stopped talking to me, and even looking at me, but, after all that…. he put his hand in the drawer and took out the cash. I know I let him down also. I’m gonna pay him back every cent.

I entered the building and from this moment on, I feel… as my mind is splitting from my body. My body becomes a robot. He has to do what he’s programmed to do and I sit quietly next to it and I watch. I try to open my mouth but I’m mute. I have no voice. As I try to get closer to… me, it’s like I’m actually going farther and farther. The feeling is strange. I want to react, but I can’t. I’m deaf, dumb and blind. When I get out of the elevator, there he is. He came. Monday we had a huge fight over this. But he came. He’s not an asshole. A bit selfish (as any scared teenager), but not an asshole. We’re young… we don’t have a clue about what’s expecting us. We take life as it is and sometimes we get hit. I don’t wanna talk to him. I don’t know what to say. He stays quiet also. My girlfriend is always right next to me… She doesn’t know what to say. This is too much for her. I get it. She is already doing the best possible. She is there. So, silence…

The lady we talked to on Monday, sees us and she comes telling me that everything is ready and we can begin. I start having things in my stomach like butterflies, only that they are more like bats or crows. I have to go in. I live them outside. They can’t come in. This time, I’m all alone.

Inside, they tell me I have to take my clothes off. I’m scared and ashamed. But I do it, as I can’t object. The lady, she is nice to me. She talks to me nice and slowly. She takes my hand and she tells me that everything is gonna be alright! She has a sweet voice and her eyes are soft and confident. I don’t have a choice but to believe her. She’s my only support. He, the fat man with very thick glasses, is very grumpy. For him, it’s routine stuff. He’s tired and rood. He talks to me as if I were the last girl on Earth. The lady gives me an anesthetics injection, but she knows I go straight to school so the dose is low. He doesn’t have the time to wait for the anesthetic to do his job (he has other businesses to do), so he starts right away.

His hands are cold. I felt pain from the very beginning. The second he put his finger on, I screamed. He is nothing gentle. He just doesn’t care about me. I’m just another one. He gets deeper and deeper and the pain is unbearable… I scream, I shout…… She is trying to make me shut up, but the pain… the feeling is beyond imaginations. I never thought you could feel so much pain. I want him to stop. I can’t take it any longer. She is holding my hand. She tries to calm me down, she talks to me, but I just want to have this done. It’s like all the bats and the crows are having a battle inside me, eating me alive, chopping my flesh, drinking my blood. They have like machetes and they cut me in little pieces. Oh, God, forgive me… The whole room is spinning around, I’m drowning in tears and blood, drunk of this overdose of Bloody Mary weird mixed up! She tries to keep me still in order to let him finish as quickly as possible.

Everything inside me is broken. Including my soul. He’s finished. He takes his green bucket full of left overs and he stands out and he leaves me… empty. He’s like a butcher in his white rope… stained with blood. I see his name tag… and I know it’s not the first time when we meet. I know his name, I’ve heard it… it’s a small town… and I know… Fifteen years ago he guided me towards the light, when my mother gave birth to her only child… now, he brought darkness in my world. He takes is money and he leaves the room. The nurse is cleaning me and puts bandages. She tries to defend him… she knows obstetricians can be cruel sometimes…

She helps me get dressed and she tells me I should rest for a couple of hours in a bed before I leave the hospital. It was over. Finally over. The nurse gives permission for my friends to sit with me. My girlfriends says it’s been 15 minutes. I felt like 15 hours. There is no turning back now. All I have left is tears, but they won’t change anything. The pain has only started and it will stay there for a long time as in…forever..

But I’m still alive… I still have blood running through my veins. You would need the biggest artillery to kill me now. If I survived this, I will survive everything. From now on, I don’t give a fuck. I’ll go to hell, anyway, so why bother? What can be worse than deliberately kill your child?

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Many times I hear or see bad things that happen to other people. I see the really shitty news on TV or in the newspapers and I think that could never happen to me. When I was a little girl I thought I’m gonna be a virgin until at least eighteen and only slutty girls sleeps with their boyfriends when their fifteen. But things change, circumstances change and life doesn’t turns out the way I wanted. At fifteen I thought you can’t get pregnant by having just one time unprotected sex.It could not happen to me! But it did! All it took was only one time. One time of irresponsible behavior, only one time, one second that changed my entire life life… forever. Looking back, I know that this had speed up my process of maturity and growing up. Life made a live demonstration of how things can get out of hand and there is nothing you could do to… undo. Some actions you have no other choice but to accept them and move on. Once you made a decision, you have to be sure it was the right one. There are situations when you get stuck with the eternal question… what if? Unfortunately, I’ll never have the answer of what could have happened if I had taken the decision to keep the baby? Even though it ran through my mind to run away from home, I knew I didn’t have the balls to do it. Plus, my mind was always at my family. I don’t try to find myself an excuse. I just think at all the factors I had to take in consideration and at that time I thought this was the best thing to do? Would I do the same if I had the chance to change it? I don’t know… I don’t wanna be a hypocrite and say…yes, because I’m not sure…

Then, I thought, life can’t go any harder and there is no pain bigger than that but…

never say never…

I don’t know what was worse… the fact that I just had an abortion at fifteen or that my boyfriend and I couldn’t get through this… after a couple of months we broke up, leaving me with an emptiness I found hard to fill for many years. AT fifteen you can’t imagine that life actually is going to change and other stories will take place… I made a lot of stupid mistakes. I think I was a lot out of line. But I thank life and destiny because I had the opportunity to live those experiences. I do believe in teenage love and I do believe that we can never forget our first love. It is normal. It is your first real lesson of life! Love can also steal our heads and drive to do the most stupid things in the world and act as real assholes. And we always hurt ones we love the most. Those who are not close to us can’t be touched by our mistakes. They don’t care. The loved ones are the front line taking all the bullshit we throw. So, I have learned something that prepared me for the long term: always think… not twice, but ten times before doing something. At some point, life isn’t all about you.

For example, if you took the oath to marry someone, from that moment on you stopped thinking only at yourself. You have to think of your partner because he or she gave you its most valuable and most fragile fortune. Trust. If you brake that trust, you brake him/her. So, think as many times as possible before betraying that trust. Marriage can be tough, many times challenging, and sometimes it can even seem boring and dull, but if you wait for the other to make it all shiny and perfect, that won’t happen. It’s a work done by two. If I learned one think from all these challenging years, is that… it’s all up to me. It’s me who decides how my life will be. It’s me in charge of my own destiny. I make the choices. Not God, not anybody! I have the power to choose. And I choose life! And if I make it work I’ll try help others making it work.

Making mistakes is good! Doesn’t matter if you’re fifteen or fifty. Everyone is making mistakes. The aim is to try not to repeat them… so often:) Mistakes are experiments. The greatest inventors of this world have made things by experimenting all their lives. And one day they got it right. Our life is like finding a great fragrance. For that we start mixing up lots and lots of elements, hoping that one day we’ll be enjoying the victory perfume! Oh, and how many days and nights have we lost and how many bottles have we broken, and the mess we’ve made to arrive here… it was a long way… but today we smell victory!! Today I smell Victory! Because I’ve taken over control over my life. It’s me who decides. I’m the CEO of my life and I can decide which way I turn the boat! I’m the captain: Set sail and fly away ‘cause baby I fuckin’ love this journey!!! And I’m only getting started!

…to the bitter end! /

Confidence!

It is said that a really ugly woman walks in to a room full of people and she feels confident and beautiful, then everybody will see her like that! What’s the logic in this? Well, none… you might say. But I think that’s a subject that has nothing to do with logic… but with energy. Well, I as I posted in my New Year resolutions, I want to lose weight. That’s means I’m no fucking Cindy Crawford. Let’s just say that I’m a bit rubensian (as in Rubens’ paintings with curvy women).

Oh, what a fuck… I’m fat! For today standards!!! That is the true! My BMI is much higher than it should be! But I manage to dress up and fool the eye with at least 10 kg! Some say I’m damn sexy, some would really want to fuck me (especially the middle aged) but unfortunately the truth is I’m a bit plus sized, I get tired easily and I have a history of diabetes in the family so, losing weight would not be such a bad thing and I’m sure I could be more fuckable. Even though I was skinny and all that shit, some said that my charm was lost also along with the kg. Ok, too much bla bla bla, the point is something else. I’m sure you all have read about self-confidence and its results. Really, I thought that’s the biggest bullshit ever! But guess what? It’s not! Yeah, the shit really works!

As a plus size girl, getting dress every morning can be a real mission impossible 137. There are days when I love myself. I’m dressed 5*, nice and clean makeup, pretty hair, I feel thin and sexy and all they long I hear how beautiful I am and not only from the guys, chicks also. I had once female client. Not a regular, just from time to time. She comes in and she begins to stare at me.

She tells me what she wants, and she continues to stare at me.

So, she stares and she smiles…and she tells me: “You are very beautiful. Honestly! And don’t take it wrong, I’m not gay or anything.” We started to laugh, she thank me, end of story! So, you see, when your confident, when you feel beautiful, even people who surround you start to look at you this way. But, in the same time, there is always the vice versa. You can be buried in gold and silver, have only designers’ clothes on you and wear Jimmy Choo, if you don’t like, others we’ll see it! And even the stylist of all stylist comes to you and dresses you up, if you don’t feel good, you won’t look good. And that’s a fact. I don’t speak from books, or sites, I speak from my own experience. If I feel sexy, everyone around me sees me sexy and I get a lot of compliments, I feel good and I have a great day. Everything starts in the morning with what I’m wearing and how my hair and makeup are done. And I kick ass! If I feel that the jeans I put on make my but look fat, I think of that aspect all day long, I can’t concentrate on my work, I get depressed and I have a shitty day!

Conclusion: look your best day and feel good! How? Be being how you like it! If you like that old pair of jean from high school ( I know it’s impossible to believe that there is anyone who could fit, but trust me, I know couple of persons, so, yeah… not a myth ), then wear it! Your tastes are not on the same page with today’s trends? Fuck them! Trend is what fits you, not some photoshoped models. There are some years when they say blue it’s the color. I hate blue! What should I do? Wear blue just because is the new trend?? Fuck it! Fuck it all! Stand up! Wear a big pooh on your head if that suits you and you think is the best for you! Think logical… what can go wrong if you let yourself be the way you want it??

Let’s see… family? Most families accept their members as they are, even if sometimes parents have difficulties in accepting piercings or tattoos, but I haven’t seen anybody kicked out because of a tattoo. I see emo type of kids who are living under their parent’s roof. So, even if they don’t like your style, they have to go along. If you’re under 18, they are even obliged…by the law. If you’re older, than you supposed to move out or go away to college. If you still live with your parents, I’m pretty sure you are not the type of a “stand out” style, and in that case that’s a…win-win situation! Good!

Next… friends! Well, with friends I have a really nice story to tell. It is not about weight or shit like that. It’s way deeper! It’s not my story, but the morale of it can be helpful. So, I have a client, she’s a neighbor who comes in every day to have her coffee with her best friends. She’s in her late 60s I believe. A retired painting restoration artist and one of the most optimistic person I have known. I started to discover her story, step by step. During summer she came in every afternoon to chat with me, as her best friend went on a holiday, so, I believe she needed to continue her habit to have a chat with someone every day! I loved listening, she loved talking, so we made a good team! I didn’t know anything about her or her life, but I was intrigued every time she was telling me that she has to go see her son at the hospital. She was telling me that as if I knew the whole story. I was working there for about 2 months, so, knowing the neighborhood was at its beginning. I knew nothing at all… There were times when she was telling me that she’s too tired that day so she’ll go another day. I was thinking what the fuck is wrong with her. When your son is in the hospital, you go every day! You sleep there if you have too. Always in a good move, always with a big smile on her face, no worries at all, so what on earth is happening here? Then, one day she tells me something that I didn’t understand right away. She said that her son helped her clean out her friends! This sentence blurred me even more. What was she saying with this? What could that means?

So, days went by… I was hearing a lot of her childhood stories, like always, in a good mood, and I was still curious about her son. And, suddenly, one day, I found out. Her son was paralyzed practically since he was born and not able to talk, because of a virus he got from the hospital. He stayed with her until teenage years but afterwards it became so difficult for her to take care of him, as she was getting older, he was getting bigger… so she decides to put him in a special institution. And she told me that most of her friends, or better said, so called friends, they couldn’t accept the idea of a handicapped child, so little by little they got farther and farther. She had the support of just a few friends and she still has it. She told me that raising a handicapped child was not what the easiest thing in the world. Being her only child, makes things even worse. I can only imagine the sufferance and the pain she has gone through. And with all that, she tells me that her son was the best thing that could ever happened to her. Why? Because she saw who she could count on, she realized who her friends were. It mustn’t be forgotten the circle she was in to. The artist world can be beautiful, but sometimes hypocrisy is an artist middle name.

And to finish this story, I just found out a couple of days ago the entire history. So, she was never married, she never wanted children (that’s a habit among solitary artists, so I’m not surprised) and at the age of 43 she fell in love with an orchestra chef, she got pregnant and she decides to keep the child for her lover. So, she goes over her principles of not having children for him, even though having a child 43 is quite risky. They don’t get married for the moment waiting the child to be born. And when the love find out his child has a problem, he took off, leaving her alone with a sick child. So, I can easily assume what kind of man he was. Better off without him! But she did not gave up. She could have institutionalized her son, and continue her life. But she hasn’t done that. She kept her moral and her strength and she continued her life with all the stuff in it. I hope someone else find this as interesting as I do.

So, my point was… being you, as you really are can help you clean out your closet of friends. I’m not referring only to style or clothes or your favorite music, I’m talking about everything. I’m talking about not being ashamed of talking to your friends about your dreams, silly as they sound, burst down in tears at the end of a movie without pretending (in a very obvious way) that you got something in your eye, or even admitting that you jerk off in the shower from time to time (even though I think your best friend doesn’t really want to know this particular and intimate detail).

You know, many times we read on line, mostly on Facebook, amazing stories about amazing people. But I, personally, always believed there is some fiction in it. But, the truth is, there are amazing people on this world. And they really do amazing things. And they have the strength to carry on, real strength! We see movies, we read books, we see on line, but that doesn’t touch us as much as when we hear a real story from the person in front of us! I always was a movie passionate, so character’s life seemed so impressive that I thought that could not happen in real life. But you know what? Real life beats all the movies in the world. I have so many stories in my mind right now, that I won’t know what to start with tomorrow. My own stories, my family stories, my friends’ stories, my clients’ stories and above all, the story I live every day. And this is want I want to write about! Life!

So, I covered up friends and family… that leaves us with society! Yeah… I would like to say now, fuck society, who gives a shit on society? But I’m no hypocrite… As much as I want to ignore society and be a rebel… I can’t… actually, I care more about society than I would like to, but that’s another story and tomorrow is another day! /

Adam Sandler

So, my little one today is Adam Sandler. I have just finished watching a hilarious comedy starring this incredible guy. I love his movies. You know why? Because he manages to mix all the elements a good film should have. He sends a message using a universal language that can be understood by everybody: humor. So, well done, Adam Sandler!

Today’s movie was That’s my boy. So, apparently is just a very dirty comedy with a lot of cliches, but his unique talent is that he can turn classical cliches into really original moments. And if you have more than two neurons, you can actually read the message between the lines. For example in this movie I have just watched is talking about the relationships between parents and children. I won’t let myself trapped into the legends of the fall to believe that there are perfect families. Since God put us on Earth, kids had problems with parents, parents between parents, kids with their brothers… hell, Eve got Adam into the biggest shit ever and Cain killed Abel… or the other way around… Whatever… one brother killed the other brother!

So, we don’t have the perfect families, and maybe our parents weren’t the role models that we see in insurance or toothpaste commercials. Yeah, life sucks, it’s not the yogurt add where all the family sits in the morning and has breakfast and they kiss one other wishing a good day. Maybe some fathers are losers and alcoholics and some mothers are pitiless or whores, but… as my dear cousin said once, we can’t choose our family… wise words. Except that she continued with…but you can ignore that you have it. That’s true also, but is it really the best thing to do? At that moment I thought she was a bitch telling me this as the consequence of a fight we had (and never spoken since then…6 years or so) but when I look closely I realize that I’m the supreme bitch. Because there are also more than 5 years since I talked to my father. And it all started from money. Short: I was having the right to alimony (yeah, they are divorced since I was 2 or 3), I went directly in court without talking to him first, he was all pissed off, we fought, I won, I got the alimony, after that we fought again, this time he won… he did not come to my marriage or my daughter baptism, bla bla bla… in the mean time I gave an interview in the local press (we might say he is a sort of a public figure in the town) denigrating him… a lot… hmm, when I write it down, it seems that I wasn’t the only victim… what the fuck, Adam Sandler, what have you done with your stupid movie??? Leave my thoughts alone. I’m the victim, I’m the child. He supposed to look after me. He supposed to provide me. He supposed to be there when I needed him. He supposed to be there when he had his visiting hours and not letting me wait hours and hours on the balcony just hoping to have a glance of him!

I’m fucking pissed off!!! I’m furious!! And all my life I hated him for not loving me! Why?? What have I done?? My only mistake was to be born… I know it sounds very melodramatic, B class movie style… but sometimes life is not all A class. Life sometimes sucks! And because of our stupid pride, we let it suck even more! Because we see a little tiny lint on someone’s coat, but we don’t see the straw in our eye… see my point? Well, I don’t like where this is leading to, so I am going to stop right now with the subject… that is my father!

Than, I’ll really need a shrink! Let’s talk about my mother… or let’s save it for another time. That will be too much childhood drama in only one night and I’m no fucking Freud right now.

So, my point was, family problems exist. They are real. If we try to ignore them, they will not disappear. It will only grow deeper and deeper and you’ll end up like me: screwed up. Yeah, I don’t wanna remember my teenage wild era. I have some memories that I would not particularly want to share with… let’s say… my kid, for example? There are a lot of things going through my head right now and I find it difficult to settle at one so I think it’s better to take advantage that everyone’s asleep and just enjoy my precious moment of silence!

Sometimes that’s all you need. Just peace and quiet. I will always stand for this cause. Having time with yourself. There are moments when you just don’t wanna open your mouth and talk to anybody. You just wanna be left alone. Yeah, I’m sure those around me don’t get it much, but it doesn’t mean I’m upset, it doesn’t mean I’m tired, it doesn’t mean I’m not in the mood, it doesn’t I have my periods (those times can be really ugly), it means just I don’t feel like talking. Is that a crime? Does this make me a bad person? NO! Everyone needs a break from time to time..We’re not machines… Even the engines need to have a break, if not, they explode!!!

It’s OK to have a break. To let your mind rest and your thoughts settle down. Meditate, but in the classical way…contemplate at something not in the Osho way, where you should just… don’t think! (but if that suites you better, go for it) Living in the city gives us no time or opportunity to not hear anything, so I’ll turn down my laptop and enjoy the… silence! /

Weight

Weight.

Yesterday after I have finished writing, I couldn’t sleep. It was stuck on my mind what I had wrote about weight and me believing that most of my problems comes from my weight issues.

We live in a society where the wrap is everything. I won’t be a hypocrite and say that I have a solid opinion about weight like… be proud of your curves. The only thing solid here is my body. So, most of my days are haunted by my weight frustrations. Who isn’t these days? I like to eat, I’m a sugar addict, and I’m the slave of food! Actually, it goes like this. I wish to be thin. It is the obsession of my life. To be thin. To be able to wear everything. Any color, any type of clothes. But that’s hard to achieve when you are me. I tend to associate any event, big or small, with food. For me food and sugar and even a bit of alcohol are life’s little pleasures. I cannot imagine a night out with my husband without eating, or a day in bed without sugary, a road trip without a picnic, a walk in a park without a snack, everything I associate with food and drink. Even the smallest occasion I want to celebrate it with food. It’s a culture. It’s a disease.So, losing weight turns out to be the hardest thing in the whole world.

I’m sorry. I’m trying and I’m trying to stay focused, but I’m really tired, so, writing about food and my weight problems would not be the most inspiring thing. Why should I force myself? A little angel on one shoulder tells me that this is how champions are born. By pushing their limits, by going over the edge, (sliding in the same time images with Rocky Balboa climbing the famous stairs) not by quitting at the very first sign of fatigue. And of course there is also the little devil’s voice who is singing me a lullaby. Not even trying to convince me of anything… just a sweet lullaby 🙂

So, my weight? I’m not happy with my body… But, there are times when my clothes are so tight and black that they make me feel thinner. So, I’m confident and all the garbage men are whistling behind me. And I become more confident. I feel sexy! I look on one or two plus size model, read an article, and voilà, a perfect day :). Too bad, that’s so rare I cannot even remember. So, I’m struggling to find the solutions. To lose weight or to feel good in my own shape?

I think that this subject needs a lot of time and silence, two vital elements which are not my high point right now so I think I’ll just postponed this issue.

Sorry, we’re not super writers every day! /

My game, my rules!

So, I had planned for today the next post I’ve written in chronological order but you know, sometimes things don’t go as you plan. There are events, unexpected events that can turn your world upside down.

When you think you have everything under control that’s when faith strikes you with the unexpected! But that’s nothing to be afraid of! in our genes as human beings is written this feature that makes us feel fear of the unknown. We have this weird desire to know everything in advance and the tendency to plan each second of our lives (at least most us, I really hope there are a few species left who are trying to make a difference in the human kind, or else we are doomed 🙂 ). So, when something intervenes we sometime panic. We panic when we pass a quick quiz at school, we panic when mom or dad comes home in the middle of the day and they find us at home, skipping school and smoking on the balcony with a bunch of other kids, we panic when we find out that our parents get a divorce, we panic when we see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test- which was not in the plan ( it’s valid for both girls and boys) and we panic when we get to be all alone for the first time with that little human being… the kid!

What can be more natural and ordinary and in the same time the most frightful and the scariest thing in the world than having a baby? Maybe there are those super parents who know everything and nothing can scare them and they are the perfect ones with the perfect child.

Even if you’re a man or a woman, there are almost the same things involved (except one little detail such as giving birth). Basically, becoming a parent changes your entire life. Whether you like or not, you become responsible. It is said that every great power come with a greater responsibility. I believe conceiving a child is the world’s greatest technology.

Creating a new life is the only thing that takes us closer to a god (and god is written with a lower case because I’m referring to a common noun that represents a power or a energy that rules this entire Universe). Creating a life from basically a few milligrams of sperm projected inside of a woman’s womb is more than my mind can process:) And all the living mammal creatures own this great power. But this power comes with great responsibility. Unfortunately, some skip this chapter.

I know… you had other plans. You haven’t finished college, you still live in a rental, you don’t have enough money, you don’t have a car, you have no family close to you to help you… you just got married or you are in a relationship that still has points to work out and a baby is just not in your plans! What can you possibly offer to a child? You don’t know anything about children and your friends’ children are not your thing. You know nothing about children and you don’t see yourself as a parent in the next 4-5 years which are so far away and you think by the time you’ll have 10 apartments, 5 cars, 2 yachts and loads of money and then you’ll be able to raise a child. And this is the tendency that most of us have.

No one knows before what will come after:)

But you know what? Everything happens with a purpose, and the reasons are always positive!

Happy Birthday my little one:)

Today was my daughter’s anniversary so she will be always the only reason for which I change the route!

2014

Happy New Year! January 1^st! Still! It’s almost 11 p.m. so I’m trying to keep my promise to myself and start this project! I was sleepy and tired and there a lot of good movies running on TV, so basically, not in the mood to do this… but then, I stopped for a second and I thought (yeah, I know, that’s not too often) : I’m going to take advantage of this new full of shit beginning that’s turned crazy most of my Facebook friends. I can’t even reproduce the lame statuses I’ve read today. But in their stupidity they are actually right.

It’s like going to church and confess or telling your mom about a bad grade or other imaginary problems you think you have. After that, you feel eased. You can start over with your consciousness cleared. So I believe New Year gives the same feeling. At the beginning of each new year we write down our resolutions. I believe most of the time we think about ourselves as superheroes and the resolutions might be slight unrealistic. A thought has just crossed my mind. Why the fuck do I start to think at me as we??? This is the influence of all the shitty inspirational sites I’ve looked up lately. But, thank God, there was this good part that inspired me to write my own shitty inspirational stuff.

Yeah, about New Year’s resolutions… I have made a kilometric long list last year. 17 big points that some people don’t achieve in ten years maybe. And, of course, last week when I checked it out… I was disappointed. I managed to achieve only… 5. So, I get frustrated each and every time a year ends, plus that another one is adding to my age… I realize that time is the only stable thing in the world. He will do his job no matter what happens. He will pass.

But in the same time, every New Year washes up all that has happened last year. I feel relieved. I feel like a new born. I feel it as a new chance. The possibility to start over again. It’s a cycle. New Year it’s like Mondays. It’s always Monday that I want to begin something: reading a new book, cleaning my face off makeup before bed, and definitely it is Monday when I want to start a new diet. So New Year it’s like the king of all Mondays. It’s THE Monday. It’s funny. If you split Monday you’ll come up with Mon-day, like a frenglish word saying my day or mon jour.

I visualize all my frustrations buried with last year. What’s the use of crying over the spilled milk? On contrary, I should be glad that I could drink some of the milk in the bottle before it was spilled down. This is the thinking I would like to develop. It was not all a waste. I haven’t spilled all the milk. I drank some… I finished school, I got a job… not the great resolutions I had in mind, but everything is better than nothing. It’s weird. Yesterday I was so sad thinking about the New Year’s Eve and all the thing I haven’t done…but today I feel more optimistic. Yesterday was about ending and I don’t like endings. For example I love watching series, but I hate the endings, I get attached.

But today is about beginning. I’m sure there is an energy going on for New Year. I have less than 20 minutes till 1^st of January ends so let’s see what can I write down as resolutions for 2014?

Even if it is THE most cliché thing in the world… losing weight would be my top head resolution as I still believe that losing weight could solve a lot of my problems. I know, I’m superficial. Who isn’t in this century?? The second one may be this auto-therapy-with-myself-which-could-turn-up-into-a-successful-writing-shit. I told you today I feel optimistic (at least until the point where I have to think what I’m wearing tomorrow at work to feel thin and beautiful in spite of the high number of kg my balance is showing, and my happy world will crash in a zip). I need a third one because 3 is a much prettier number than 2, so 3^rd stuff: get another job, maybe? Yeah, that’s big… it fits among resolutions!

Having all said, my sense of reality is telling me that I should get my 4 hour sleep before the 11 hour day work that is tomorrow.

So, goodbye 2013! Welcome 2014! /

Christmas time

It’s Christmas. Or at least the last 13 minutes of it, in French time schedule. So who the fuck stays on at midnight writing bullshit? But that was not the point I wanted to mark at this very moment. I want to use the magic of these last, now 10 minutes of Christmas to immortalize this year most spiritual experience…concerning Christmas of course.

Yes, I will not be a hypocrite and tell you that I won the bet by writing every day since 11/12/13 but I believe that is the true and real purpose on this experiment. That we are not perfect, that we don’t always keep our promises…even if it is with ourselves. So what, that means that we don’t have the right to a second chance? Or third? Or a tenth, or even the one thousandth (I don’t even know if a spelled that correctly). What if we fail? We don’t have the right to live anymore? We don’t deserve to go back and try as many times as we need until we make it? So, the next day after I wrote my first page I was really tired, being up at six, preparing an almost 4 year old for school, going to work, cook dinner, prepare the child for bed, planning the next day…that takes time and I am sure that most of you moms out there know what I am talking about. And I only have one child…I could not imagine having more. So, you moms who have more than one…chapeau! As the French say…a sort of like… I lean before you. So, days passed, Christmas fever started to show up, extra hours at work, so here I am, on Christmas day, with my husband snoring beside me, trying to keep up the good work. It doesn’t matter that days have passed without doing what I was supposed to do, it does not matter the bet nor the leap I took…it matters that I write know, it matters that I have not quit, it matters these little baby steps I am trying to do, it matters even the smallest gesture that one cannot even notice it. The point is to open your eyes and look. There are a lot going on around us. You can find real joy just by watching the little thing that happens before you, or at your right, in my case.

Enough with the bla bla bla, so just allow me a few minutes to tell you my Christmas Eve thing. So, there was I, driving home for work.( better said, crawling with the speed of an …that animal who wears his house in the back, yeah I forget the name, ohh…snail, the snail carries his home on his back, because at 5:30 pm, you cannot use the word driving when it comes to Paris on Christmas Eve). And I was a bit sad. Better said, disappointed. Why?

Because the night before I went over my ass struggling to make homemade gift baskets for my boss and my co-workers, in the spirit of giving. I like to give on Christmas. Plus, the promise from my boss was to have a Christmas bonus. So, you know the feeling… You are excited, you are curious, you are just like a child waiting for the promise candy if you’re good. So, you always try to make a good impression, you always stay after hours, you always come before your normal schedule, you always run services, you always say yes at everything they ask you and you are always the good guy! The question: is it worth it? Did I get my bonus? No, I haven’t got my bonus. He fucked me up! On Christmas Eve! I was all shiny and goldish with a little Santa hat, white fur and everything, singing Christmas carols all day long, being the nicest person with my clients, in the await of my bonus. I feel bad for myself describing me like a puppy lingering for a bone. But no, no bonus. Instead I got chocolates from my colleague. At least my body had its thing.

I wasn’t mad, my boss is a good one, most of the time… so that’s why I used the word disappointed. I was let down by a someone who I trusted… did I mentioned this is my first job? Yeah, the thing with bosses, is that you don’t know if or when you should trust them. The point is that my trust in people, in general was pretty much shaken up. Everyone is selfish, everybody thinks only for themselves? What’s the point of being nice? Why should you be a good person?? There no rewards for nice people, apparently! So I put the question once again… is it worth being a good person? The logical answer would be NO, but hell, logic is no trend anymore.

Going back on my way home in my car, I lived my own hollywoodian Christmas sequence. In front of me a family car with three girls on the back seat watching me, talking and giggling… as if I was a monkey. I know I’m cute…but…not that cute. They turn, and 2 minutes after, they turn around showing me a piece of paper with a hand written Joyeux Noël (Merry Christmas).

Oh, the joy, the thrill, the tears… I had my own movie like moment. I was the main character, disappointed by life, by people, on Christmas Eve, having no hope in humanity (yes, not having your Christmas bonus can cause the loss of faith in humanity, dare to say it’s not true), and they there were, these three little blond hair girls waving at me and wishing me a Merry Christmas. In a world full of stress, anger, fatigue, envy, we, adults(or, better, the adults, because I’m not sure I fit in the category), forget to look around us and cherish the little things. We want everything big, we want to go straight up, as high as possible without turning left or right. We ignore these little gifts that life has to offer us every day. I thought that a big bonus could make my day. I thought nothing could cheer me up after that. But those three little girls remembered me the magic of Christmas, remembered me that material stuff could never replace the human warmth. We are warm blooded beings. We need the warmth, not the money. Money are made from steel. Steel is cold. We need little things that makes us happy, like a chocolate, or an honest piece of paper with Merry Christmas. With the risk of using too many times the word Christmas, I can say that this little moment restored my belief in Christmas magic. You don’t see these sort of thing every day. You see it in films but, brother, life beats film. And when it happens in real life that makes you feel special… yeas, this time I was the chosen one. It happened to me! And you know why? Because I turned to look!

Once my Christmas magic restored all of my Christmas wishes have come true: a curling styler (the very last generation), champagne (the real thing) and a day in bed watching B class Christmas movies with tones of chocolates. Weird, ah? J Weird or not, it’s ok, I must like myself…I am the one with whom I spent most of my time…so I should really love myself.

Conclusion: Christmas is cool! /

11.12.13

I believe everyone has their own story to tell, and for the first time, I’ll be writing my own role and I’ll be playing on the big stage.

And as every story, mine, also begins with… Once upon a time…

My demons are haunting me. I can’t sleep, I can’t rest, I can’t work, and I don’t have even the fucking energy to take a bath. I’m starting to stink. In every possible way. What the fuck is wrong with my life?? I guess we never appreciate what we have until we lose it. The story of my life!

So, what do you do when you don’t know what to do? You start writing in the middle of the night having no fucking idea about what you write. But you keep going, and going and going… till something comes up. Maybe nothing comes out. Tonight. Nor Tomorrow, nor the day after tomorrow, nor the whole fucking year! But you keep going, not knowing that these failed attempts create in the end a true masterpiece. This masterpiece I call it Life. True life. With real characters and real locations. With real feelings and so fucking hard experiences. I try to deal every day with my life. I beg, I borrow, and I steal. In this new game called surviving there is one rule and one rule only: there are no rules! Surviving equals growing up. Growing up stands for welcome to a world where people bite harder than dogs, dreams start to crash and smiles are sold only during sales.

Welcome to my world. Maybe yours is better and you have no worries at all so reading/following this God knows what will just blow up your precious pinky time, but I seriously doubt it. I see most of my so called friends with there so called perfect little lives reading this and I can’t help myself bursting into a hysterical laughter imagining there acid faces as they think they hit the jackpot marrying a second hand prince charming and living in their little golden cages. I’m sure they have all an orgasmic life. Don’t let me be in your way. Don’t forget to lock the cage! Just go live your happy lives! This is not for happy people.

So, yeah, where was I? I was just wondering where I’m going with all this. Maybe so did you. You know, I watched a lot of Murder, she wrote/NYPD/CSI style series… groupie type of, so I know that any action or better said, reaction, needs a motive. I, too, have a mobile for my weird 1 a.m. activities. As I stated in the first sentence, I’m haunted. I believe every human being is haunted by its demons. Mine are starting quite of a family free. If life gives you lemons, you should do lemonade. I have questions! I want answers! Being a fan of mixing practice and theory, I have made a bet with myself. Writing every day (starting today, 11/12/13 with no deadline) in order to complete a practical theory of how to exorcise your demons and find the answers.

I know it is very hard to believe, but have you noticed the fucking date I’ve chosen to begin?? I’ve only realized it when I typed it. So, yeah, thank you, Providence! If, that’s not a sign, then what is??

It sounds complicated and out of line with no logical explanation… but it resembles with something that we deal every day… life! So, we should all have the required qualification to face this experiment. It’s simple. I believe one ordinary live can’t become an extraordinary one just by high lightening it. So, I will just try to turn on the lights of mine. /