It’s Christmas. Or at least the last 13 minutes of it, in French time schedule. So who the fuck stays on at midnight writing bullshit? But that was not the point I wanted to mark at this very moment. I want to use the magic of these last, now 10 minutes of Christmas to immortalize this year most spiritual experience…concerning Christmas of course.
Yes, I will not be a hypocrite and tell you that I won the bet by writing every day since 11/12/13 but I believe that is the true and real purpose on this experiment. That we are not perfect, that we don’t always keep our promises…even if it is with ourselves. So what, that means that we don’t have the right to a second chance? Or third? Or a tenth, or even the one thousandth (I don’t even know if a spelled that correctly). What if we fail? We don’t have the right to live anymore? We don’t deserve to go back and try as many times as we need until we make it? So, the next day after I wrote my first page I was really tired, being up at six, preparing an almost 4 year old for school, going to work, cook dinner, prepare the child for bed, planning the next day…that takes time and I am sure that most of you moms out there know what I am talking about. And I only have one child…I could not imagine having more. So, you moms who have more than one…chapeau! As the French say…a sort of like… I lean before you. So, days passed, Christmas fever started to show up, extra hours at work, so here I am, on Christmas day, with my husband snoring beside me, trying to keep up the good work. It doesn’t matter that days have passed without doing what I was supposed to do, it does not matter the bet nor the leap I took…it matters that I write know, it matters that I have not quit, it matters these little baby steps I am trying to do, it matters even the smallest gesture that one cannot even notice it. The point is to open your eyes and look. There are a lot going on around us. You can find real joy just by watching the little thing that happens before you, or at your right, in my case.
Enough with the bla bla bla, so just allow me a few minutes to tell you my Christmas Eve thing. So, there was I, driving home for work.( better said, crawling with the speed of an …that animal who wears his house in the back, yeah I forget the name, ohh…snail, the snail carries his home on his back, because at 5:30 pm, you cannot use the word driving when it comes to Paris on Christmas Eve). And I was a bit sad. Better said, disappointed. Why?
Because the night before I went over my ass struggling to make homemade gift baskets for my boss and my co-workers, in the spirit of giving. I like to give on Christmas. Plus, the promise from my boss was to have a Christmas bonus. So, you know the feeling… You are excited, you are curious, you are just like a child waiting for the promise candy if you’re good. So, you always try to make a good impression, you always stay after hours, you always come before your normal schedule, you always run services, you always say yes at everything they ask you and you are always the good guy! The question: is it worth it? Did I get my bonus? No, I haven’t got my bonus. He fucked me up! On Christmas Eve! I was all shiny and goldish with a little Santa hat, white fur and everything, singing Christmas carols all day long, being the nicest person with my clients, in the await of my bonus. I feel bad for myself describing me like a puppy lingering for a bone. But no, no bonus. Instead I got chocolates from my colleague. At least my body had its thing.
I wasn’t mad, my boss is a good one, most of the time… so that’s why I used the word disappointed. I was let down by a someone who I trusted… did I mentioned this is my first job? Yeah, the thing with bosses, is that you don’t know if or when you should trust them. The point is that my trust in people, in general was pretty much shaken up. Everyone is selfish, everybody thinks only for themselves? What’s the point of being nice? Why should you be a good person?? There no rewards for nice people, apparently! So I put the question once again… is it worth being a good person? The logical answer would be NO, but hell, logic is no trend anymore.
Going back on my way home in my car, I lived my own hollywoodian Christmas sequence. In front of me a family car with three girls on the back seat watching me, talking and giggling… as if I was a monkey. I know I’m cute…but…not that cute. They turn, and 2 minutes after, they turn around showing me a piece of paper with a hand written Joyeux Noël (Merry Christmas).
Oh, the joy, the thrill, the tears… I had my own movie like moment. I was the main character, disappointed by life, by people, on Christmas Eve, having no hope in humanity (yes, not having your Christmas bonus can cause the loss of faith in humanity, dare to say it’s not true), and they there were, these three little blond hair girls waving at me and wishing me a Merry Christmas. In a world full of stress, anger, fatigue, envy, we, adults(or, better, the adults, because I’m not sure I fit in the category), forget to look around us and cherish the little things. We want everything big, we want to go straight up, as high as possible without turning left or right. We ignore these little gifts that life has to offer us every day. I thought that a big bonus could make my day. I thought nothing could cheer me up after that. But those three little girls remembered me the magic of Christmas, remembered me that material stuff could never replace the human warmth. We are warm blooded beings. We need the warmth, not the money. Money are made from steel. Steel is cold. We need little things that makes us happy, like a chocolate, or an honest piece of paper with Merry Christmas. With the risk of using too many times the word Christmas, I can say that this little moment restored my belief in Christmas magic. You don’t see these sort of thing every day. You see it in films but, brother, life beats film. And when it happens in real life that makes you feel special… yeas, this time I was the chosen one. It happened to me! And you know why? Because I turned to look!
Once my Christmas magic restored all of my Christmas wishes have come true: a curling styler (the very last generation), champagne (the real thing) and a day in bed watching B class Christmas movies with tones of chocolates. Weird, ah? J Weird or not, it’s ok, I must like myself…I am the one with whom I spent most of my time…so I should really love myself.
Conclusion: Christmas is cool! /