The endless rebirth…

We are all captives. Life is a trap and most of us live in captivity! (imagine the thrill of those in the wild)

I don’t even know where to start, because as we are born we are already chained by our mothers’ breast in order to survive. In most cases we are born addictive on someone: mother, nurse, nanny, etc. The first thing we learn is that we need someone or else we die. We need an environment, we need a cage! And yes, even the shiniest golden cage, still remains a cage!

And then, we grow up, and maybe we are trapped in the wrong neighborhood, a wrong school, or even the wrong body. We are captives in a society where we don’t fit, but you don’t have a choice yet, you must obey, or else… you suffer the consequences: mocked, expelled, outcast. So you do your best and you give them what they expect… but when they had enough, they will not hesitate to expel you in the end..

You grow more older. You hope to escape, to leave behind those years in captivity, but no matter where you go, and how far you’ll reach, your background doesn’t seem to distance from you. It’s like a drug you know it’s killing you little but little, but you can’t make it without. So you search another addiction, you feel the need to feel captive again. You are afraid to taste the freedom, so you push it away, you run, you hide yourself in a lousy job you hate, or in a poisoned relationship, or simply in a life routine that doesn’t seem to end.

But wait, what is that tremble? By all means, you have discovered something that makes your heart bumps… is it a hobby, a dream, a person? what do you do? Do you dare to listen, do you dare to go further to see what’s around the corner? Do you have the courage to look outside the wall? Do you have the guts to step behind the curtain? How could you? you get nausea.. your head turns and turns and turns… like a roller coaster that never reaches its end. And you feel trapped in an endless fight without the gong between the rounds. And everyday you get more confused, more messed up, more tired and less hopeful. Somewhere between the fog you see the end of a rope. Maybe if you grab it, the spinning will end… but the question arises: do you want it to end? What if you’ll end up hang there forever… hung up in the air… you don’t even know if you have the power ti climb the rope; Yes, it seems impossible to do so… you have never climbed a rope.. you don’t have the strength… you were not trained…never… so you tell yourself you simply cannot do it!

But what if I told you that the need pushes you up ten thousands times more than every training you could possibly had before? What if i told you that primordial instinct of survival  lays somewhere inside you waiting to be awakened only by your will power. Deep inside you know it too… you have to grab the rope. Let it take you up. It can’t take you lower than you already are… you see the end of it, so the only way is up.

It takes a second to decide if you want to escape, a moment to grab your life in your hands and stop the spinning. And no, there is not such thing like too late… time is endless and you create your own as your heart desires. Listen to that instinct, follow that voice… even if it’s for a moment, a second, an instinct… it will be your time of glory, because you have the power of change, the power of creation and endless recreation in ways you never thought of.

“Oh, if only you could’ve recognized what was always yours, could’ve found what was never lost. If only…” (Lisa, Letter from an unknown woman, 1948)

Don’t lose what it’s your to be, don’t waste your energy in spinning without destination, choose a moment of glory and an endless rebirth, instead of the birth of an meaningless eternity, have the courage to climb as high as you can imagine,come on, live a little… Don’t finish up thinking… if only………………life throws you many ropes in hope you’ll reach at least for one… so, what’s your rope?

Adult vs. Teenager

As I have always said I’ll always try to inspire myself from things that happen around me. Writing about how you see things can’t be any better. Trying to invent stuff it’s not always as good as Andersen fairy tales…

Today I chose to write about growing up and how we change our perceptions. Why?

Because I have never thought that I could really grow up and change my mentalities. When I was a teenager, I did it all… beginning with the age of 13… I bloomed early… too early… let’s say my family had to stay awake many nights… especially my grandma’ 🙂

Well, maybe grandma’ is not the best example as she still stays up until I get home (when I’m Home) even though I’m 27, married with children and I live half the continent away.

But I remember my mother… I couldn’t get it why did one hour (or two or three, or the whole night long) counted so much. What was the big deal if I were home at 1 a.m. or at 7 a.m.  And there were those long talks afterwards… and the threats, and then the screaming… and everything was on repeating twice a week at least 🙂

And I just couldn’t get it… why such a big deal?

And then… the great search…hidden under the cleaning pretext,   my backpack, my pocket… my desk… everything was under the search warrant of my grandma’s. CSI couldn’t do better than my grandma. So you see, all these stuff made me do it more on more…hide more and more, being more and more rebel, just to show everybody that I was the most stubborn, and I was the boss of myself and that it’s me who decides and not them! Short… I was teenager… first generation of teenagers with internet access and first generations with mobile phones (in Romania), and no talking about not selling smoke and booze to minors… it was Romania after the Revolution… we were the free generations… and God, how we took advantage of that…

Yeah… so, things weren’t easy… for my family, but they they sure were great for me 🙂

I have always been the kind of person that lives for the moment… I’m afraid of dying and not did it all… I try to do all my guilty pleasures, I try to taste a bit of everything… I need it! I need it for my soul, I need it for my inspiration, I need it like the air I breathe… so I have always said that if something is to happen, it will happen anyway, no matter how much we try to avoid it, so… being careful was not on of my strongest points. Plus, I have always considered that I’ve remained at 17… I don’t see myself as a 27 year old. I still do teenage stuff and I’m still a teenage dreamer… fuck, I still watch cartoons…that is even lower…

In French psychology they even invented a name for it… from adult and adolescent … they came up with adulescent. Yeah… so, normally, I have always seen myself as someone who would get along with teenagers… hey girl, kinda 🙂  And not only getting along, but also, understand them, agree with them… defend them… because I see too much parents complaining about the teenage of their children like the WWIII.

As I became a mother, things wanted to change a bit, but I kept on going with my idea of freedom… hell, I even let my 4 old daughter go on a one day trip with her school all by herself… (I went on all my one day school trips accompanied by grandma’ and occasionally by my mom also, until I was 11…) So, I’m very open minded… Fuck, I listen to Lana del Rey and I adore This is what makes us girls.

But… as I have said before, things aren’t always as they seem… We can all do the talking, but when life puts you face to face to a situation, never take for granted how you might react.

Fate made it happen that I watch a 14 year old teenage this week… one of my best friend’s daughter. Yeah, sure…no problem… I love the girl, she’s bright, she’s talented, and she adores me… and I’m sure her parents over react when they say she’s difficult… so why not, how hard can it be?… As long as she takes the shower by herself, eats alone and she gets dressed alone, I have no problem…

Two days went smooth… I tried to do all her pleasures, I took her with me at work, we had breakfast on a pretty isle on the Seine with sun bathing our faces… I cooked her what she wanted… I let her use her phone as long as she wanted, and not confiscate it at 10 p.m. as her mother instructed… you see, I tried to be cool…. The cool big sister or the favorite auntie style… I have never had that so I know it’s a joy to have someone like this… it’s like I was 14 again with stories about boyfriends who call to often or they don’t call at all, with a special ring that worth nothing but has a huge sentimental value because her best friends wears the same one 🙂

And then, one evening… I noticed something fishy (fishy in my fucked up mind)… I won’t say anything about the subject matter, because her parents might read this so, I don’t her to get in trouble for nothing… Mom and Dad, chill, everything’s OK, nothing to worry about! It’s about me, not about her:)

Short: I was too curious about something in her phone and I was shocked to see she won’t give me the code to unlock it!

Yes, in that moment I realized how worried I was. You’ll say… it’s not your child… no, it’s worse… her parents trusted me 100% to let her with me, so I was responsible for her… 100%. Then I knew the feeling of my grandma’ when she searched everywhere.. I wanted to know what she is hiding… obviously if she’s hiding something, it’s something bad!!! It can’t be any good if she’s hiding… why doesn’t she trust me to tell me what is it about?? And when she gave me the … It’s my business, not yours, I was on fire!!!

And, yes, I have started reacting as an old adult, forgetting in that instant all my teenage years!! I did the talk, I did the threats… blackmail, everything… just to know what is happening!!! I started giving her lectures, when in fact I was the one that needed the lecture! What the fuck was wrong with me??? In an instant I forgot all about hey girl and Lana del Rey and everything… I was an adult giving the talk to a teenager!

Then, I saw her… she was so sad that broke my heart in two… I then realize.. What have I done… yes it’s true, I was afraid… what if she had in mind to run away or something?? Can you imagine that happen? See, I start think immediately at worst possible. Why? Why do we start thinking at the worst when we grow older?

When have I lost that feeling that everything’s gonna be ok? When did I grow up that fast?

And to make things worst possible… the thing she was hiding me was so unimportant and meaningless that made feel even lower than I was already feeling.

I realized that teenagers act just like a normal human being. They feel the need to have things for their own. They have business that they want to keep out the reach of someone… They even hide things from their best friends.. It’s not like they have something with adults… it’s just like you and me! I eat that cake without anyone seeing me! It’s my secret! (Not anymore, obviously). My grandma’ keeps an economy account without the knowledge of my grandpa’ … and I’m sure he’s doing the same thing! I have a special place when I go from time to time to read and meditate, and I have never took my husband with me! It’s my place, my secret place and I want to keep it that way! Am I doing something wrong? Am I bad wife??And you can go on with your own examples!! I’m sure you have plenty. Yes, we feel the need to have something of our own. It’s in our nature!! So why can’t teenagers have their own business??

It took me a while till I finally got it… she has the right to keep her things for herself. And yes it should be enough when they say you can trust them ‘cause it’s nothing important! How can you demand their trust if you don’t give yours?? It’s simple, actually… forbidding something it’s like inflame them more to do it! Having the attitude of the grown up who knows all it’s even worse! Yeah, you knew it… but it seems now you are forgetting… And please, I don’t wanna hear about that stupid theory that kids should learn from parents’ mistakes… not a chance… if you think you’ll go on telling stories about how you did this and the bad consequences that fallowed, hoping your child will be too afraid of doing it… you’re really wrooooong 🙂 It’s logical… your child sees you live and well so he’ll think that if you made it out alive… so will he:)

So, why is this happening? Why do we forget our wild teenage years and we always have this conflict between generations? Why are we so fearful and so trustless? What happens that makes us be this way… is this growing up?? Live a hell when your daughter goes on a date for the first time? Remember your first date?? ……. I thought so… you hold hands 🙂 )

So, whose fault is it? Society? When it rains with predictions from everybody as they were fucking Nostradamus?? Media? That empoisons us with rapes and thefts and kidnaps’ and car accidents? Family? With everybody starts giving you lectures on how to raise YOUR child…

Stop being afraid! Life is too short! If it is to happen something bad it will happen no matter how much you will cocoon your child! I am a mother and it took me a while to decide letting my daughter alone on that one day trip! So, I know the feeling. But I’m trying to remember more of my years as child and as teenager and think less about my mental and social inheritance.

And yeah…. Thank you girl for teaching me an important lessons this week!

Remember: you were a teenager once 🙂

27

All my life I have waited to turn 27… I don’t know why I’ve always had this idea that 27 will bring a big change in my life…

At first, my fucked up mind thought it has something to do to with that creepy pattern of Jim Morisson, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse… but as 27 was approaching so fast, I’ve realized that I needed the fame and fortune to die in glory… And, clearly, that was not my case (please don’t laugh 🙂 )
So, I began thinking that something else is waiting for me at 27… but guess what what, 27 found me on a 14 hour long working day with the sole desire to sleep.

Short: I have been waiting something to fall out of the sky. And the only things that fell was a big slack over my head waking me up at reality!
What have I done to receive that big change? What big sacrifices have I made to deserve such a reward? How much sweat my self-discipline has poured?

I won’t be a liar and say 0 efforts, but trust me, the result is not that far away…at all!
Yes… 27 gave me the biggest lesson! You see, all my life I have taken everything for granted… talent, beauty, luck, chances, family… but you see… life gives you the lemons…but the lemonade can’t be done by itself. You have to take the lemons and squeeze them until the very last drop to make the best lemonade… by yourself! Always finding someone to do it for you… it’s not an option!

You must earn that lemonade with the price of your sweat, with the pain of your hands because of too much squeezing… I took too much for granted and now I’m realizing how difficult is to make lemonade by yourself! And if you don’t take advantage of lemons as long they are fresh and juicy… they will mold! And then the only option is to throw them away! Who likes molded lemons???
Think of the lemons as you think at your years of youth, of strength and don’t let your beauty get mold! And I’m talking about beauty in the largest way possible, from inside to outside! Take advantage of your most beautiful years and go conquer the world!

One day we will be too old, and there is nothing you can do to turn back time. Those years of youth when you can be the king of the world, will never be back! And, no, I’m not giving lectures to others…I give a lecture to me, in order to motivate myself to pursue all my dreams! (and so do you) And yes, even if it sounds silly… I do believe you should not stop following your dreams! And I will repeat myself until I, also, will get it!

Yes, life will put heavy obstacles… and yes, time will seem your biggest enemy and yes, you will feel like everything is put up against you… but… no, those are not signs to give up… those are challenges you have to pass through in order to achieve your goal! It’s like a job… you work, you have the money! You don’t work… you’ll be a homeless!
Simple as that! You want to lose weight… well, you have a fucking fight going on… Like the first day you go on detox, and your colleague return from holiday with a special cake, especially for you. A cake she has carried on her arms thousands of miles on her knees, in an airplane… in the car… on her way to work… just for you and she can’t wait to see how you will have that gastronomic orgasm while eating! What the fuck do you do??? Yes… life can play you well! And yes, I’m sure 99% would eat the cake, but… I want to be that 1% who stand still and not eat the cake!

So, here I am am… 27! And the biggest change I could have is to realize that without hard working nothing can be achieved and this is the most valuable lesson! You must feel the pain before enjoying the pleasure… Nothing is for free and nothing will lay at your feet just because you have an ounce of potential. That ounce of potential will grow only with tones of practice and hard working.

Yes, you’re tired everyday with the job, with the the daily chores, with kids and family, but somehow, time must be made to pursue your goals! If ain’t you who does that… no one will do it for you! When I realized it’s been more than a week and I haven’t write a single word, I felt something was missing in me… and I started complaining and blaming all the circumstances and everything except me. But, the truth is there is no one to blame but yourself. You will always have the time to do what you love… even if sometimes it requires to sacrifice something else… instead of spending one hour in Facebook or go for a 3h long marathon of Grey’s Anatomy, go out and do that jog, take those photographs at sunset, write those ideas you had in mind all day, go cook that delicious meal you saw in the magazine, read the book full of dust on your night shelf, write that CV you want to send, learn that new language you’ve been wanting for so long, draw that image that’s been haunting for you for so long, practice that new song… One hour per day just for your passion, multiply it by seven… and imagine what can be achieved in 7h per week, 30h a month… it’s huge…

And never think at failure… you will fail often and you fail maybe everyday, but the real courage is to not stop trying. Always think at tomorrow as another chance! And someday you will conquer! Enough of expecting everything from somewhere else but from you. Enough with the self pity and no remorse for the past… what is done, it’s done… what it matters is the future, and that’s your path to build! Waiting for things to happen is just a waste of time. Destiny is written by those who take their time to write it!

Step in that rhythm and dance as long as possible because, someday arthritis will leave your body numb and Alzheimer…dumb!

The Hammock Theory

 As I thought so, no news about him the boy from the previous post. I tried call the hospital but they won’t give me any information, so I hope he is still fighting for his life and I wish him well, wherever he is.

I was sure this would happen. This is it, life goes on… I did what I know best… write about… but my hands are tight… I can’t be Wonder Woman and save the world.

The things is I had a remark from someone that told me that my post can’t be viewed as “no to racism” because of my statements related to the differences between roumanian and rroms. As I replied, I think my post is very well entitled, because even though sometimes we are bothered by some some people, we can’t go doing our law by ourselves. I hate my neibgbors for slamming their doors. That doesn’t I go on punching them.

Life goes on as usual, time waits for nobody, so, my stories go on also, and today I was thinking about friendship.

Since I came to France, I haven’t managed to make myself new friends. Sometimes, you make acquaintances, you go out for a drink with a classmate or a colleague, but in the end, you come back home, and if you are constipated and after long hours of trying to get the demon out, your ass hurts you as hell because of that really spicy sauce you ate, you can’t call your classmate to tell him that.

You can’ become that intimate with someone you know for couple of months or a year or so. Friendship need time to grow. Here’s my Hammock Theory.

You have planted a tree, it’s a baby tree… Wood tree is still tender. He is young. He has no strength yet. You put another baby tree beside him. They are both young and fragile. And they share the sun together, they share the rain and the Earth and they live side by side, taking advantage of all the beautiful things the gardens has to offer them. Yes, they spend a lot of time with each other, they are there every day, but what can they do together? Can they share a little more than joyful atmosphere there in the garden?

Try put a hammock between them… will they support your weight? They can’t! Even if they really want, even if desire is there, sometimes the laws of physics and time just can’t allow the trees to support a hammock with someone in it. It is just too hard for them! They need more time to grow, they need to be powerful enough to support each other equally.

The same thing with two friends. Can you really call someone friend after just one small period of time? In my opinion, friends are just like trees, and the friendship between them is the weight of the hammock they can support together. No matter how rainy or windy and stormy the weather is, they will keep on supporting the weight! Because they have grown strong and they will be like that until they are cut down…

I miss my trees… and you don’t know how much you miss the oak trees until you try and share a hammock with a shrub. You can’t be confident in a shrub. Is can lean in any direction. It’s just the way it is. You just have to wait for the shrub to become an oak, and as you know… not all shrubs become an oak! Sometimes, they rest a shrub for their entire existence.

You must think well before tiding a hammock with someone. Sometimes, you just go with the flow, because you know you must have someone else at the other end to keep the hammock up in the air…  You mustn’t give up trying, you never know when the trunk starts to grow…

The forests are wide… keep on searching until that strong oak comes along… circumstances bring always new trees to be plant 🙂 

NO to racism!

One of the hot subjects of this week in France was the attack on one Romanian gypsy. Since I have heard the news and saw the terrible uncensored pictures I felt the need to write about. But I have waited to see what happens next. But guess what? The French suddenly stopped talking.

The story goes like this. Darius, 16, a gypsy (rrom) from Romania, presumed to have broken in someone’s apartment, was taken away from home by 12 angry French men with the intention to give him a lesson. Result? He was beaten and tortured and left unconscious in a supermarket stroller and official information states he’s in a deep coma in a Parisian hospital.

Why where the French so mad? Because they are sick and tired of all the shit gypsies do in France. They steal, they beg, they ruin tourist’s vacation, they camp on unauthorized land, basically, what they know best! And, as most of them come from Romania, they put all of us in bad light.

The biggest problem? Well, let’s just say, most of French people aren’t that bright to make the difference between Romanian and rroms- the modern appellation of gypsies. They are called this way only in Romania and that creates a whole lot of confusion.

Allow me to copy paste Wikipedia:

Romani people

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Not to be confused with Romanians, an ethnic group and nation.

For other uses, see Romani.

 And for French, because I want them to get it right, in their own language:

Rom (ou Rrom2) est un terme qui a été adopté par l’Union romani internationale (IRU) pour désigner un ensemble de populations, ayant en commun une origine indienne3, dont les langues initiales sont originaires du nord-ouest du sous-continent indien4 et constituant des minorités connues sous de nombreux exonymes vivant entre l’Inde et l’Atlantique ainsi que sur le continent américain. Il faut noter que les médias roumains, en particulier, préfèrent l’utilisation du terme « rrom » à celui de « rom » afin d’éviter toute confusion entre les Roms et les Roumains (étant donné que roumain se dit român), deux peuples pourtant différents aussi bien historiquement que culturellement mais souvent confondus à tort en Europe occidentale notamment. Rom n’est en aucun cas le diminutif de roumain puisque les deux termes n’ont étymologiquement rien à voir, c’est simplement un endonyme signifiant « homme accompli et marié au sein de la communauté5 » en langue rromani (langue des Roms)

 Thank you Wikipedia ! If you want to read more, feel free to tap Romani people or Roms on Wikipedia!

The other day at the boutique two French asked where does my cute accent come from. I said Romania. They answered and I quote: Oh, it’s rare to see Romanians working.

What the fuck??? I was one second away to throw a glass in their eyes. Who the fuck do you think you are? Am I going crazy or is this shameless racism? Fuck, even the Ku Klux Klan try to make it the hidden way! I tried to explain them all the above about the differences but they were staring at me like two damn assholes as if I were speaking about the reincarnation of the flies.

So you can only imagine my rage and frustration. Fuck, I hate Romania of today, but I’m proud of my origins. I’m proud because is thanks to a Romanian doctor people still live with diabetes (biologist Nicolae Paulescu discovered insulin). And the examples could go further. I will tell you from time to time the stories of valuable Romanians.

So, you see my indignation when I’m being confused with a rrom. Fuck, I even had my iPhone stolen by gypsy offspring. And we all know how fucked up you are when you lose all your contacts, your photos and so on…

So, what should I do? Begin a gypsies hunt? What would happen if everyone starts to make their own law? And we’re talking about racism and we all know where a major hatred led the destiny of 6 million people who were killed during WWII. It only needs a seed to start the fire… After one public statement made by the French President which was no more than a make love, not war, nothing has been said since!

Yesterday I have read an unofficial information on facebook which states that the young boy died and they are trying to hide the information as long as possible so the spirits could calm down and everybody forgets.

So, I ask you… is this fare, is this normal? Is this what we want to teach our children?

I know, sometimes, they become unbearable, but they share the planet with us… what will we do? Throw them in a modern Awschvitz?? We already did that once… 

 

To be continued (when they release new official information)

Part 2 – CARPE DIEM

A perfect moment: me, alone in my beautiful cozy kitchen, 5 candles, a pot of herbal tea, my laptop, meditation music and… cigarettes of course! 🙂 I just realized how you can create for yourself one perfect moment you can enjoy in the comfort of your home… it’s Saturday night, and I’m feelin’ gooood! Home!

Well, when I sat down at the table to write, I had something else in mind to write, but I have just received a phone call from my mother announcing me about the death of someone we used to know… she was my chemistry teacher in my 7th grade, and I also used to date her son in my early teen years… he was actually the first boy I’ve kissed on the lips … She’s dead for 6 years already… and she died while her son was on the plane to see her and say goodbye… and he never did… so you see, these are the real shitty things life can do to you… not having the chance to look into your mother’s eyes and say goodbye, not holding her hand when she passes away, not being there to feel her warmth for the last time… and for what? Because you are thousands and thousands of miles away trying to find a way in life…

But the sun will rise again and again and life goes on, even if sometimes you just want to say stop… you can’t. The Earth will never stop turning and you will never stop fighting… Somehow, you find the strength to carry on… one way or another…

I sit here and I’m complaining about my life because I can’t lose a few extra pounds and I realize how superficial I am instead of thanking God that I don’t have to live with the weight of a loss… the loss of someone dear. We always and I mean always forget to appreciate what we have. We are so fucked up that we see only the things we don’t have instead of caring for those we have. We complain about our low standard bodies instead of being thankful about our healthy bodies… we are not happy of our homes but we do not think of those who die of cold during winter because they don’t even have a shelter… how painful is it to actually die of cold??? Have you ever really thought of that??

We waste food and water and there are children who die of dehydration… they literally die of thirst and hunger… Imagine looking at your child dying little by little because you don’t have a drop of water or a piece of bread… and instead our problem is how to buy him a PlayStation…

You go away on vacation and you are frustrated that you have forgotten your charger… and out there people leaving their homes with all there is in it because they run from war in order to wake up again the next day…

We are so used to see all these bad things at TV or in the newspaper or on facebook, thar we have become senseless… We know Africa is starving, we know the wars kill everyday thousands of people, we see every day those who are in pain, that has become something natural…like it’s normal… and it’s not! It’s not natural! We must not be used to it! Yes, pain, wars, hunger, have always existed… but that doesn’t mean we must stop fighting against! That doesn’t mean we have to close our eyes or change the channel and forget! We must not forget!

I know… you ask yourself what you can do about those girls kidnapped in Nigeria or the war in Syria… But that is the top of the pyramid. If you want to change something you start with the base… with the simple things… for starters, appreciate you are alive, appreciate you go to sleep without fearing for your life, appreciate you wake up every morning, appreciate you get up on your two legs and you get to put your clothes on with your two hands! Appreciate you have the choice of what to eat for breakfast, appreciate your family is well and healthy… appreciate your home, no matter how small it is, it keeps you warm and dry… appreciate the blue clear sky without being forced to watch out for the bombs, appreciate while you’re in school, because there are millions who would want to have the opportunity just to learn how to read and write, appreciate now and today, because you never know what tomorrow might bring…

And then… start being a better person to those around you! Try to be more understating…be more caring and let pride aside. Life is too short to be mad with ourselves and with each other. Someday, we’ll not have the chance to say we’re sorry… someday there will be no one to answer the phone, no one to open the door, no one to forgive us, no one to hold us… someday will be too late…

I would like to believe goodness could spread as lice… I’m stuck with a quote from Cloud Atlas:

“My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops?” 

We can make a change… We can change ourselves and it’s more than enough… We can try to be less selfish and then we will be happier… Wanting more and more, will give us no space to enjoy what we have already accomplished… from time to time, take a second and just look back and be proud of how much you have done and then you can continue your road… allow yourself the time to just breath and relax and live! One day, we’ll be too old and alone…

This is what you should do… when you don’t know what to do!

Carpe Diem!

And God rest the souls of those who are no longer with us…

What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

Life begins where your comfort zone ends. Neale Donald Walsch, I couldn’t have said it better.

Today is a special day for me. One of my problems is that that I remember a lot of weird anniversaries, like the time when I found my cat, first period, first kiss, first time I left the country, and among them I remember things like today, 12th of June, 2013, just 2 days after graduating Paris 8 University.

12th of June marks my first day in the pastry shop where I still work (unfortunately for my body…. It’s like letting an alcoholic working in a distillery in times of Prohibition). A summer job that was supposed to last for a couple of months, turned out to celebrate its first year.

I really can’t believe it’s been already one year. Time runs faster than Bolt, for the love of God!  My biggest problem? In less than one month I’ll turn 27… and what have I achieved till now? Besides getting married and have a pretty cool family…. not much. People keep telling me that having a family and a healthy smart little girl is already a good achievement! But I cannot look at my family as an achievement. First of all, because it’s not MY achievement, it’s OUR’S. It’s something we achieve together every day as a family. It’s not like I’m doing the job by myself. It’s a team work! 🙂 So, me achieving this… drop it… my husband has a lot more credits than I do, so, sorry…I’m not really that role model wife or mother. I just try to do my best, but there is always room for better! I do not consider an achievement. Maybe I’m wrong… who knows? Feel free to share your opinion…

Well, I’ll be 27 next month ( 3rd of July, to be more specific), and where am I? I have 2 University diplomas (Romanian and French) and all I can do with them is…… wipe my ass! I sell 0,95euro croissants! Only God knows how much I struggled to get in school, to stay in school, to have remarkable results and to finish with pride and joy! I’m young, I’m smart, I look pretty good, I wear a Primark dress as if it was designed especially for me by Chanel herself, I speak multiple languages, I’m punctual, I’m responsible and I have all the qualities an employer would wish. I could be an asset no matter where! And what do I do? I post pone every day the moment to search for a new job! I tell myself all the excuses in the world for not exploring my potential… and then I go crying that I can’t stand anymore the pastry shop! I wish I would put the question what the fuck is wrong with me, but unfortunately, I already know the answer… accepting it is another thing!

Yes, I am scared… and I am ready to admit I have become so weak I don’t recognize myself anymore. I’ve become a money slave and I’m afraid to take new challenges. There! I said it! ………………………… I actually feel good. Once said, it’s seems no more the end of the world! 🙂

Expand: the pastry shop offers me all the comfort a job could do: first of all, money. A sure and certain pay check at the end of every month makes me feel secure… comfortably! Second of all, the work itself… not much of a responsibilities, same thing every day, no fucking science to research…. Basically…Chinese work (as my best friend would say). Fortunately, China doesn’t have a lot of Internet access so they probably won’t see this joke so they can’t accuse me of anything 🙂 I like Chinese people as I like all the nationalities on this Earth, so no racist remark… just a funny one. Even a monkey could do what I do! And I could continue with a third thing and a fourth and so on like… the atmosphere with the boss and my colleague, the fact that I have fresh bread at home every day and other pastry products ( which brought me a lot of extra kilos) … But… there is no challenge! I learned everything that boutique could’ve taught me! From washing the dishes to calculating tax.

So, I asked myself… why am I still there? The answer is very simple. It doesn’t take long to see it: It is my comfort zone!

And now, the real question comes… how do you find the courage to leave your comfort zone?

What do you do when you don’t know what to do??

To be continued…

P.S. I actually found the quote on a follower’s blog… Thank you! You opened an important window in my brain! He needed the fresh air! See, nothing is casual… everything happens with a purpose!

17

Orson Wells once said that you work hard all of your life to buy a sports car, but when you finally have it, you are too old and too fat to fit it!
Well, I think you noticed the message he wants to sends, if not, here’s my interpretation: we work, we work we work, most of the time we have a shitty job that we hate, but we still go on working… and we work extra hours, and on Saturdays and sometimes on Sundays and night shifts, and so on… And we spent less and less time at home, with the family, and God forbidden, with you! You seem that you have just the time for one shower and go straight to bed. We leave everything for tomorrow. Cook that healthy meal, read the book that hangs near your bed for months, play with the children, have sex with the partner, watch that movie you want to pirate for the past year, have a coffee outside, go for a jog, make a tri in your shoes……………….and these are just a few of the many examples I can provide right now… and why can’t we do all that? Why don’t we have the time? Why aren’t we capable for solving those To Do list that are waiting for month and years?? Why?

Why? Because of the money! Because money have taken control over our lives. Now, as always actually, everything depends on the money! Because making money leaves us no time to spend it!
I couldn’t have picked a more inspiring moment to write than right now. Imagine a mild storm outside, with the rain drops singing in my ear, just after watching a very inspiring documentary: Mike Tyson- my side of the truth. Well, what cannot I say, people surprise me more on more everyday. Who would’ve known Tyson is more than a brainless gorilla? He is actually not bad at all in the talker posture! Good for you, Mike 🙂

Oh my, it’s pouring outside… I’m loving it 🙂

So, I’ll let money aside for an instant, because we’re hanged up about money every day, so… tonight it’s about anything else but money. That introduction I made about the money was because I found that interesting quote of Welles while sorting my things out! Guess what? I’ve moved out from my mom’s place. I actually sleep in my own place! And I even cooked the first meal (maybe cooked it’s a bit big… fried some stuff would be more accurate 🙂 ) .

17. This is the number of how many times I’ve made my suitcase to move in the past 9 years. I’ve moved 17 times. 17 changes, 17 times when I thought that this time is gonna be home. 17 times of screwing my brains out! 17 times to try to make it look like home. 17 times of trying to feel like you belong there. 17 times of letting things behind… 17 new chances, 17 new beginnings, 17 hopes, 17 dreams, 17 first nights of fear…
You know that in this particular moment when I know for sure that everyone’s sleeping, I have the impression that someone is moving around… yeah, typically for a new house. I told you I’m living in a fuckin’ B class movie. It never rains like this in Paris with thunders and lightning… you don’t see this shit in Paris. And since yesterday, when I moved in, it’s been like the Adams Family around my block. What the fuck?? 🙂 So cliche my life sometimes… moving into a new home, storm outside… so this shit really exists:))

So, connection between money and me moving out from my mom’s?? Let’s say I wanted to stay under mamma’s skirt a bit longer. Taking advantage of not payin’ rent, not doin’ the dishes, not doin’ laundry, … not doin’ basically anything. And of course, not to mention having a full time baby sitter (sorry mom 🙂 ) Well, for some that would be heaven on Earth, no? Let’s think again. Living with you husband, with your 4 year old kid and your mother under the same roof. Living with a very stubborn husband, a highly energetic 4 year old and a very loud mother. Yeah, picture begins to change. Not that comfy? Imagine all that in a house of 1-2 persons max. And imagine you are me and you need your fucking precious moments of silence, of peace and quite! And you work all day long to make money, and you come home in a very loud place (me arguing mom, mom arguing my husband, my kid arguing with everyone)… and you are too tired to go out because tomorrow you work again, and the day after, and after…and for always. You have money to go out, but you are just too tired. And when you are not too tired you have to stay with the kid, because someone else is tired too… so…. You realize that you don’t know why you’re working… you don’t have any satisfaction… you’re not happy at work, you don’t have the time and the right conditions to be happy where you live… so you start wondering…what the fuck??? Something’s wrong in the equation!!! In the first place you think you wanna got out more, do more things… but you know no matter what you do, most of the times you just wanna chill in your crib! Just chill…The nest where you go to sleep every night must charge you just like you charge your smartphone everynight! Your smart ass must be charged also every night! Try charging an iPhone 5 with an old 3210i Nokia.

But what happens when you can’t chill in your crib?

I was very scared of movin’ out… I was scared financially, I was scared emotionally, and I was scared about all the new responsibilities… rent, laundry, dishes, etc 🙂 Not doing too much of these stuff for the past 4 years… hmmm, I feel a bit rusty:)

But… look at this moment… I’m not forced to lock myself in the bathroom in order to have a moment alone with my thoughts and write… I have my own separate kitchen where I can smoke freely a cigarette and sit at the table and write… without anyone being disturbed of my typing noise! I’m chillin’… just chillin’

The moral: Having your own crib it’s way more profitable than not paying rent, because chillin’ in peace and quiet it’s priceless!!!

I miss doing nothing and I miss doing everything

2013-08-06 22.08.11My home sky

I don’t know if it’s my bipolarity I think I have or the fact that today marks 2 years in Paris, or the fact that once again I’m gonna change the house where I live, but I’m feelin’ melancholic. Geez, I go too easy when I say melancholic. I feel like throwing myself in front of the train. I miss home… I miss stability, I miss being sure about tomorrow. I miss those days when rent was a word out of my vocabulary… I miss doing nothing and I miss doing everything I want.

I miss those long summer nights and the smell of the Queen of the Night flower in my grandma’s balcony. I miss those long walks with my best friends until the sunrise was sayin’ hello. I miss layin’ in bed until noon and go swimming at night. I miss the smell of a homemade apple pie and a fresh lemonade. I miss the heat melting my heart and I miss my heart being hot. I miss chasing my dreams and running to catch the stars! I miss the taste of one real tomato and the salty old cheese. I miss the freedom of childhood and I miss skipping school just to hang around… I miss the way I thought about life and I miss how life taught me around. I miss my years I have lost and I miss the time I had to lose. I miss me and I miss them…

I miss the morning sun shining above my window and I miss taking a nap if my eyes were closing. I miss the joy of a Kinder Surprise and I miss the taste of stolen apples. I miss how easy life was and I miss how hard school seemed to be. I miss being there and I miss wishing to be here! I miss the Sunday meals when we were all together and I miss the days when we missed each other. I miss the cherry blossom scent around the block and I miss the odor of the freshly cut lawn…

I miss hide and seek and I miss not hiding from those who seek. I miss the games we used to play and I miss not playin’ someone else’s game. I miss believing in my dreams and I miss not stopping to dream. I miss the way I saw myself and I miss not hating the self today. I miss having the courage to jump and I miss not livin’ on the edge. I miss belonging somewhere and I miss not being everywhere. I miss when everything was possible and I miss not the impossible.

I miss doing nothing I miss doing everything…

Roots

As I stated it before… you always appreciate what you have/had after you lose it. I used the two forms of present and past tense because sometimes you can’t take back what you have lost, sometimes you can’t click “undo”.

As I’m sitting in my old room back in my hometown (where I’m spending my brief Easter Holidays), I can’t stop thinking of all the things I’ve lived here. It’s hard having to know you are thousands of miles away from home, away from family and friends, away from the places so close to your heart and mind.

There’s not a day that goes by, without me thinking of how my life would had been if I was still here. This is the place where my grandfather told me hundreds of bedtime stories, stimulating my mind and my imagination, where he taught me how  to read and write, this is where he opened my gates to the universe. He gave the most precious gift: the thirst of knowledge. This is where I’ve first learned that life is made of changes which we are obliged to accept when I cried for leaving kindergarten to go to school. Here, I felt the first butterflies in my stomach when I had my first kiss and here I have drowned myself in tears when I had my heart broken for the first time! It’s here where there are the persons most sacred to me who have raised me and the mirrors where I have watched myself grown. This is where I was born and these are my roots.

Can you tell me if there is any possible way to forget your roots? Can distance cut out your roots? We know roots go deep… they disperse in width and length… but what do you do when there are so tightened and the pressure is so high? Like an elastic band that you keep trying to enlarge… and you keep trying… and you pull harder and harder… you know the elastic band is strong… it can’t brake… but it becomes thinner and thinner with every pull… you can’t let go, even if you know the tension gets higher and higher… you know that if one end will give up, the other end will get hurt…

I’m afraid to let go of my end… even though the tension and the pressure is high, the feeling that I belong somewhere is keeping my head sane. I need to feel that I belong somewhere. I need my roots. I need to know that I have one place where I can always return and feel safe no matter what. That’s why home is irreplaceable.

When I first left home for the Big City, at 17, I thought I was gonna live in Paradise. No one to control me, no one to tell me when should I get home, no one to tell me what to wear, no one to go talk to the teachers, no one to wait for me at 5 a.m. in the morning threatening me never to go out again, no one to tell me clean my room, no one to push me eat my soup… but instead… there was no one to care for me, no one to guide me, no one to advise me, no one to convince the teacher that I was skipping school because I was sick (and not that I was gone in vacation), no one to make me a tea at 5 a.m. in the morning when I was sick, no one to help me clean my room, no one to wait for me with a hot soup.

The illusion of freedom was fading fast as I was trying to cut out my roots, intentionally. Freedom comes with responsibilities, as the basis of democracy states. That is way you need way more time to be well cooked before we set out to go on your own. How do you know you’re ready to take off? When it’s the hardest thing to do! When you realize how much you will miss your nest!

Years have passed and destiny wanted me to go farther and farther… and I left in search of my destiny. I know it’s out there, that’s why it’s called destiny, it’s a sure thing you will find it someday… but I think the search is the greatest gift of all. The adventure, the unknown, the thrill of a new clue, the hopes and dreams, the failures and the dead ends, the new routes to discover and the thousands of possibilities. And the strengths comes from your roots. That keeps me strong. Sometimes I feel them like the rubber band that keeps putting pressure on me, but sometimes there are like the wooden roots of an old oak tree supporting all my weight! My roots are my spinal cord. You can’t live without your spinal cord to support you. Once broken, you’ve lost your stability. You lose yourself. 

My roots are my inspiration, my background, my past, they have made who I am today and they keep growing to support the woman of tomorrow.